"From fairest creatures we desire increase,
That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light'st flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel."
- Sonnet 1, William Shakespeare
I wonder if the notion of romantic love is lost upon the polyamorous? Well, perhaps I should re-evaluate the question - let me rephrase: I wonder what constitutes a date for poly people?I think of the idealistic perspective of love introduced to monogamous pairing and think about all of the fanciful expectations. I remember the "process": I will charm her and inspire thoughtful and engaging conversation; I will treat her to an audacious dinner and fill her belly with rich and decadent food; I will slowly inspire her confidence, her trust, and the love we will make will be legendary and earth-shattering; we will confide in each other, share secrets, cry together over lost love and painful trials; there will be a meeting of parents, a shaking of the father's hand - a loyal stare that suggests, "Yes, I am employed, can be trusted, am relatively clean with decent aftershave, and I won't violate your daughter unless she really wants me to badly..." kind of man-shake - and a suave conversation with the mother that inspires a kind of mother/daughter jealousy; we will talk about naming children; there'll be an announcement for marriage, cute French titles exchanged ("fiance"), the shopping, the venue, the dress, the food, the guests, the fucking ring - oh, Jesus, the _fucking_ ring, of all things - all of the crap that constitutes the marriage itself, and THEN....
... happily ever after.
Boom. Pop. Bubbly. Fireworks. Romance achieved. Everybody have some cake, dance the polka, and go home. You're done. Zip. Finito.
I realize that I'm patronizing the whole asinine process but it's really rather trite, predictable, and so idyllic that it becomes a compulsory craving: "Everybody else gots this, so I gots to haves it, too." And therein rests the beautiful naivete that it brings: romance... in a package.
So let's pretend for a moment that the poly person isn't playing their game from the mono playbook and are actually not dreaming about the "perfect" future together on day one but are actually focused on the here, the now, the attainable, the realistic.
"Let's see," rationalizes-out the poly person. "This chic is available on Tuesdays and Fridays; her husband wants her on Sundays; there's a tertiary in the mix who wants to see her on Monday, she has BDSM munches on the second Wednesday of the month, so that leaves Wednesdays on weeks one, three, and four for me. Checking my calendar - well, crap, I'll have to bump my wife to Fridays - bump, my wife, Fridays, oh, man that's a funny, ahem anyway - then there's the whole problem with Sally, she's going to hate this competition but I know that Marc will really like her. But, SIGH - If I can't move my primary to another night, this is a no-fly situation. I should explain this to her. She'll understand."
Then both of our poly-persons delve into this logistics conversation which isn't entirely romantic and really has nothing to do with complementing her hair, drifting into her eyes, or caressing her soft skin. This really has more to do with answering the question: Logistically, are you a good fit?
I feel poly people are enlightened lovers and with all seriousness I believe that they're operating in good faith when they're overtly concerned with how a new addition could impact their schedule with primary and secondary relationships. Instead of thinking, "What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun...", we're thinking, "Gads, is two hours on Wednesdays really enough to meet my sexual/emotional needs?" Eh, kind of takes the fun out of it.
Also true that poly people don't have a model for an ultimate end-game that we'd see in traditional monogamous pairings; maybe, idealistically, we believe we can balance all of the complexity of our lives and this person will merrily fit in as if she had always been there - that's likely the most perfect of outcomes. We don't have the euphoria, the ring exchange, the announcements, or a bounty of toasters waiting for us on the other side of an exchange of vows. We don't have the romantic idealism to push us along as we might find in monogamous relationships. We are simply "here", in the moment, perhaps with no other future commitment, experiencing life as raw as it is without the sugar or promise for something greater, brighter, whole. There is, well, just _now_, and what can be given now. Where that is a conversation, a passionate kiss, a massage, a hug, a spanking, a lustful and explosive romp, or just a minute to talk about the weather. I wonder if the notion of romantic love is lost on the polyamorous... one, because our love model isn't predefined, and two, because now is all we have to give?
s1m0n
7 comments:
It isn't lost on us, it is more amazing because there's just so much more love going around. And since there isn't a rule book or manual, just guidelines to point us in the right direction, we get to create our own magic. More importantly, we have the opportunity to do it again and again in a lifetime where the non-non-monogamous only have a few great loves in their life, which isn't to say that that isn't good enough but you know what I mean, I'm sure.
p.s. the word verification is asking me to type "dikstat" in order to proceed in posting this comment, hehehehe.
good article - yes their is a much more pragmatic approach to us poly types - however there is still NRE that is very strong and can make you feel like a high-schooler all over again.
I enjoyed how you mentioned the here and now - another pre-suposition in our society when it comes to romantic relationships is that in order to be successful they have to last in that form until "death do us part". To me this is non-sense. I have had several successful relationship that have had an "expiration date" so to speak. ie getting re-stationed, leaving to a different school, etc. Thanks for the article!
That was some damned good writing.
I experience "romantic" love in poly relationships, it's just not derived through a formulaic method. I suppose if it's all about formula for a person, then, yeah, you would kinda get hosed.
Another thing that comes to mind is that while I am used to working 50, 60, 70 hours a week, I haven't had that many paramours at one time, 2 at most.
My primary (stupid labels!) has had more time and energy to mingle, so I have had several metamours, but they require much less maintenance than a paramour (not none, just less).
If I were to have several paramours, and then the attending metamours in an increasingly tanlged network of relationships, I can see how my time would be squeezed drastically, and room for the "forms of romance" you discuss would be severely hampered, but I hypothesize that it wouldn't change my romatic feelings for my partners.
For me, those feelings are built from the direct, sustained, intimate communication (physical and verbal) that I share with that person over a period of time. I don't experience "romance" because of an expensive dinner, a nice bottle of wine, or a ring on my finger.
The monogamous end game you speak of -- the happily ever after -- isn't always happily. I realize this is very cynical but don't some people act as if once the vows are said and the ring is in place, the romancing can end?
Maybe there's actually a warm and fuzzy plus here for poly relationships?
I've often felt that poly has an advantage over mono because the relationship just can't function without good communication. You can't hide from it, unlike in a mono relationship.
Similarly, if you want to maintain a long term intimate relationship, you have to be aware that some work is required to keep the flame burning. For those of us that enjoy long term relationships, the idea that you can intently keep relationships sizzling is a reason for optimism.
The monogamous end game you speak of -- the happily ever after -- isn't always happily. I realize this is very cynical but don't some people act as if once the vows are said and the ring is in place, the romancing can end?
Maybe there's actually a warm and fuzzy plus here for poly relationships?
I've often felt that poly has an advantage over mono because the relationship just can't function without good communication. You can't hide from it, unlike in a mono relationship.
Similarly, if you want to maintain a long term intimate relationship, you have to be aware that some work is required to keep the flame burning. For those of us that enjoy long term relationships, the idea that you can intently keep relationships sizzling is a reason for optimism.
Thanks to everyone for the kudos and kind words - !
Emily: I liked what you had to say about the ability for poly folk to offer of themselves more than once. I think, in the mono-perspective, there is a one-chance-at-love mentality and, to build off of this, the notions of romance are elevated because there's seemingly so much more to lose. Woops - you lost your one big chance at happiness! I think you're right in that poly folk aren't limited by that sense of finality...
Robert: Thanks! I actually wanted to write a little more on that idea of "now" - I'm reading a lot on Zen these days and I'm trying to find parallels between it and polyamory. Please stay tuned - I'd love to hear your feedback! As for the expiration date, doesn't it seem (on the one hand) ridiculous to stifle your own personal development and growth by promising rigid fidelity? Well, it is, I suppose, because these were ideas developed over many years without liberal enlightenment. I think poly provides an analytical framework for critical thinking to challenge these notions which - I think - is actually quite feminist. Hmmm Feminism and poly - women's liberation, no ownership-rights over women through marital bonds... wow, there's a topic right there (grin). I think there's a lot to be explored in your comment there...
Dave: Danka! I like the maturity you're expressing in your relationship with your paramours... in your case it seems that poly provides perspective. You seemed divorced from the "romantic ideals/process" I described... myself, I still find it a little challenging not to look at my relationship with PF and see an "end point" or a "culminating event", you know; we have in fact discussed a time of being hand fasted which would provide that kind of "romantic ideal" for us, and certainly the move and sharing of everything was a progressive stage in our development. Maybe poly folk are able to use different metrics in measuring the progress of their relationships... hmm another great topic, thank you!
And Forerunner, I completely agree, and was living proof after my second marriage. I think the romance/relationship ended the day of our wedding, and a poor basis of communication did exist between us (we are both very aggressive people and took no mercy in dealing out a verbal lashing). It's one of the great things about PF in that I communicate with her unlike any of my previous lovers, and that alone is transformative: I don't try to run away; I don't stress over how she thinks or feels; I don't try to micromanage communication. That's been liberating - polyamory has given me a means of being open in communication and in desire. I think it's been a major milestone in my life...
Thanks to all -
s1m0n
For me polyamory is a natural result of feminist thinking. How can it be otherwise?
Self-determination is part of any liberation philosophy, whether it is the rise democracy or the emancipation of slaves or the gay rights movement. So, too, is it with polyamory, the love child of the sexual liberation movement.
To acknowledge that human beings are not property which can be owned seems a critical part of living in the real world. No matter what constraints we attempt to place on lovers, we can never truly hold them against their will. They give us their hearts voluntarily or not at all. Everything else is illusion.
I agree with forerunner when he says that poly has an advantage over monogamy for the very reason that there is no one defined end game. You are free to design the relationships you desire as they best fit your life and the person you are and will become. This means no sleeping at the wheel. Your commitment to polyamory almost guarantees you will go through your life awake and fully alive. Would you want it any other way?
Lastly, no matter how much your mind tells you that planning ahead and thinking of tomorrow are critical activities (as they no doubt are), the only life you really have is happening now. To be fully present in each moment is all we can offer one another. We cannot erase the past nor can we lay claim to the future until we arrive in that moment of now.
By all means, plan on a handfasting ceremony as a way to celebrate your love, but don't make of it anything more than a marker in time. Let the real real end game be, as Ram Dass said so many years ago, to "Be Here Now." Whether that becomes a string of days, knotted together one after the other, or changes into something even more profound that serves your life and hers, I sure can't think of anything more romantic.
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