Sunday, June 29, 2014

Sharing Information is NOT Asking Permission.

A does something that's not consented to within their relationship, and, when A's partner is upset about it, A is angry with that response because, "I don't need anyone's permission do to anything I want. I own my body, my time, and it is my right to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and with whom."  A is correct.  Those are all choices that each person gets to make for themselves.  It's also a poor way to stay in a connected relationship with anyone that actually gives a rats ass.

The thing that perpetually sticks in my craw is the conflation of "asking permission" and "sharing information, and/or asking for input".  They aren't the same thing.  My current partners count in my world.  I'm not asking permission when I say, "I think I've got a date coming up later this week with New Person.  Does this time/date work for you?  Do you have any input on what boundaries would feel reasonable to you? I'm thinking that the interaction is likely to look like _______."  I'm digging into my own trusted resources, acknowledging that my life doesn't exist in a vacuum of my own desires, and sharing what I might desire for myself.  Choosing to share information, or limit my own actions in any way out of consideration for someone else IS me exercising personal agency, not them controlling me, or submitting control of myself to another.  It is in my own best self-interest to bring my partners along with me, rather than just dictating my decisions, so I put effort into making that happen. 

Maybe I've just been super fortunate in choosing non-controlling people, but in my experience, the more I share with my partners, the more they feel like they DO have input, the faster and easier it is to get where I want to go without alienating anyone, or feeling stifled.  Why?  They feel listened to, safe, relevant, considered, valued, and have the information desired to manage expectations.  They say yes, and they mean it, they share relevant information about their perceptions, their feelings and desires, and I make stronger decisions that benefit us, that benefit ME more. 

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