Wednesday, August 3, 2011

When are you ready?

With the wedding and family trip over, and D moved in, things are settling into a new trajectory for the household. It's a very positive feel around here for the most part, and will feel even more settled once the kids (our other roommate's daughter is around more in the summer) are back in school.

It seems that this is a time of blossoming opportunities, deepening of existing relationships, and looking towards further personal growth. Since D's moved in, a couple of connections are becoming burgeoning relationships. S and his other partner, A, are spending a bit more time and energy together, and taking steps forward in other ways. I'm being advised, by both S and D, as well as my daughter, that it's time for me to get back in the dating pool and find myself a girlfriend.

Since PG and I split a couple of years ago, I've been having a bit more of a challenge putting myself out there. It got more intense when S and I parted ways with JA last fall, even when considering casual connections. I haven't gone on a date with anyone new in quite some time. Part of that has been a lack of time and energy to do so, but a good chunk is just flat out fear. I've taken more of a battering on an emotional level than I care to admit, and opening myself up again is scary. I've certainly got "enough" going on to feel well-fed and fulfilled, so the motivation to push through that discomfort is a bit sketchy.

In my head, this seems simple enough: Find someone that I'm interested in connecting with, and ask them out. In execution it's looking a lot like me filtering everyone out on some minor basis so that I don't have to risk anything.

Perhaps I'm just not ready yet? I don't have a history of being dumped, so no real experience to draw off of to know when I'm not "broken" anymore by that pain. I think that's why it's called a break up now. Not because you're breaking off a relationship, but because something inside breaks when you lose an important connection. I'm not sure if that's healed, or how much, or even if it needs to be to connect again.

Happiness and optimism are my usual state of being, and that's where I live right now. The present and future hold much joy and promise, and yet I know that there is space for something/one more. How do I get over the hump and stop letting fear hold me back when so much pleasure already exists in my life? Is it just a "fake it 'til you make it" sort of challenge?

Nothing says I have to get it right immediately, or pick another life partner this month, or this year. Even if I go out with someone and it doesn't click, that doesn't need to mean pain or failure. What irks me most about this is feeling limited by my fear, so I am going to choose to move forward with a date or two, and let the cards fall where they may. One great thing about having some epic pain-based experience is that my partner selection skills feel much stronger, so I'm going to trust that to move me forward. At the end of the day, I still have the loving arms of my family to rely on. :)

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