Sunday, June 5, 2011

Shared Time




For years now I've noticed that my happiest poly experiences involve partners who are comfortable with and enjoy sharing time with others important in my life. Yes, I absolutely enjoy and prioritize solo time as well, but someone who really likes to do things together with my child and my other partner(s) has a significant leg up on gaining additional levels of intimacy and access to my heart, among other bits. ;)

One of the things I've been enjoying lately has been watching the new HBO series, Game of Thrones with S, D and S's other partner, A. We'll do some BBQ, talk about things of import in our lives, and snuggle on the couch together while enjoying the complex storyline of the show, along with the T&A often found in such HBO originals! There's a bit of racy energy, but it's more a companionable vibe that is building appreciation of each other as individuals, the ties shared with mutual partners, and that extended family thing that is so deeply satisfying to me.

Some conversations are deeply personal, and the openness and trust shown is intimacy-building for me. While I have many community connections, letting people in closer feels more risky, so being able to take these little steps together, one meal, one episode, one hug, one discussion at a time, eases those fears.

People wonder how to build compersion? This is where it's at for me! Expend the time and energy to get to know your metamours. Start with happy healthy relationships, find something enjoyable for everyone to do together, and enjoy the fallout. Shared time isn't for everyone, but for those of us who like a more extended family or close community model of poly, it's an important building block.

6 comments:

dave94 said...

The small, impromptu "get togethers" are often overlooked as ways to solidify a poly relationship. Hanging out together without an agenda is a way for our triad to rebuild emotional ties. Thanks for introducing me to the term "compersion" - the opposite of jealousy!

Misa said...

I usually only date people who can handle "shared time" because otherwise, things get really difficult.

polyfulcrum said...

You are welcome, dave94! What are some of the activities that your triad enjoys together?

Yes Misa, I agree. Doing the "separate sphere" relationships just takes too much bandwidth for me!

dave94 said...

Polyfulcrum: some of the spur of the moment things we do: go to a farmers market and pick out foods that might work into subsequent dinner(s) that we have together. On warm days we bike to the beach and share a bottle of wine. We might go on a shopping trip for intimate apparel. Lately, many of our evenings are just sitting on the couch with our ongoing thread of small-talk like how our day went, our interests & concerns. In these little rites there is opportunity for us to share our feelings for each other. If I have any doubts or suspicions about one or the other, they are usually dissipated after we've been together because I get a feeling that they like me as much as I like them.

designergrl said...

great topic, close to my heart.So Gina and Misa....so when you meet and decide to date someone...I know that it's good to be up front from the beginning about who you are and what your life is about and what you desire.....so Misa..is that when you ask the question about shared time ?Polyfulcrum, how about you ?And when you are just getting to know someone new....are you on alert about the person's words and behaviors that might indicate that they are not sure if they can do this.....?And honestly, sometimes we meet people and n0 matter what we do, we just don't like them.

So on one hand you may Have to (or do you) cross your fingers when they meet your other partner(s).

And lastly, should this happen, the two of them just don't like each other...what do you do ?If it is your current partner who does not like the new person...what do you do ?Then if the new person does not like your partner ? What on earth does one do ?

Daedius said...

Just discovered your blog, I couldn't agree more about finding the wonderful little things we can do as a group. It's truly euphoric experience, last night we all dog piled and watched Zombie Land together.