Monday, April 11, 2011

Not Enough

In the past couple of weeks, my non-domestic partner, D, and I have been unsuccessful in connecting several times for various reasons. I've been missing him quite a bit! This has brought up the idea that some people seem to hang onto when observing poly relationships: If my partner was "enough" for me, there wouldn't be any desire or need for other connections. Really, I'm probably just monogamous, but haven't found the right partner yet, and obviously, I must not really be into S if I still have D in my life, or vice versa, right?

Pshaw! Each person I have found value sufficient value in as an individual to form a significant relationship with is enough, in and of themselves, to be worth including in my life. That I'm missing D doesn't mean that S isn't meeting my needs in our relationship, nor does it make me a greedy woman who is never satisfied. It simply means that I see each of these connections as valuable in their own right, and feel that absence when I haven't been able to touch-in the way I'd like for a while.

One of the ways this seems to impact other poly folks is the sense of inadequacy that can flare up, particularly when one's partner is starting a new relationship. "If I were younger/prettier/thinner/more buff/better endowed/smarter/funnier etc, then Partner X would be happy with just me/us." With the rush of NRE, sometimes things fall through the cracks, and people forget to overtly value their existing partner(s) when they would benefit most from the reinforcement.

What's worked best for me has been when partners reiterate the things they enjoy about our connection, or me as a person in a "this reminds me of how much I love this about you" sort of way. To ramp up the considerate gestures, thoughtful embraces, and spend time together when there are other factors pulling attention takes some effort, but is well worth the energy.

S, you are enough. You are a wonderful partner, and I cherish sharing my life with you. D, you fill a unique spot in my heart, and I value who you are, and the relationship we enjoy together.


PolyVerve said...

One of my favorite quotes sort of nutshells this post. :)

"I do not find people to fit the spaces in my life. I make spaces to fit the people in my life."

Cheryl said...

I so needed to read this, this week... Me and my 2 (domestic) partners have been dealing with this recently... Thank you.

D. Gage said...

I apologize in advance for this statement: But I wish I had your problems!. LOL. I find it hard enough to love one person and get love in return.

I would guess that loving more than one person and being loved in return by both of those (domestic) partners is a blessing.

Then again, my own problems?... I can only blame myself.

I would say that 'being able to maintain your life the way you do speaks volumes about your self esteem.' I admire you and wish that I could emulate that kind of confidence.

I hope it all works out for you. :)

polyfulcrum said...

Glad that post hit the spot, Cheryl!

PolyVerve: Great quote! Thank you for sharing!

NK: It might not always be the easiest thing, but it's surely the most fulfilling for me. :) Hang in there! You can create your own dream!

Laura Dean said...
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