Sunday, October 10, 2010

It's going to be a rebuilding year...

Wow, I know it isn't year end just yet, but it's got that feel! Maybe it's because the changes inside the household have reached their settling point for now (I hope!), with the addition of our new housemate, who is pretty fabulous thus far! Maybe it's because PG and I filed the divorce a few weeks back, ending a 16+ year era in my life. Maybe it's that JA (the partner that S and I had in common) decided to move on in search of a more "primary" relationship. Maybe it's the reemergence of the school year routine. Whatever it is, it feels like a point of tipping, and I'm a bit contemplative.

In the past year, I've gone from a very "full cupboard" feeling, to being pared down to the essentials. Fortunately, the essentials are something that aren't externally located, and going through the adversity of late has confirmed that. I'm learning to parent in separate households, letting go of important relationships in my life, and appreciating anew the connections with S and D. Some things have faded away, or changed into something entirely different than I once projected, and the care and support of the poly community has been unexpected and welcome.

Currently, I'm at the least polysaturated state I've been in years, and I think that is probably a good thing. I need to lick my wounds a bit and figure out what my burden of responsibility looks like, and how I want to do things differently moving forward. There are definitely some differences in how I will approach relationships, but the core of who I am and what I want hasn't shifted much.

The nice thing about being blasted down to the foundation is that there isn't much need to tear anything down to build a clean structure on that foundation. It's pretty close to a clean slate, at least as close as I'm likely to come, and all the essential materials are there to build a pretty kick-ass edifice. Break out the blue prints, and let the rebuilding process continue!

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