Once upon a time, I wrote this snippet of fun http://polytripod.blogspot.com/2011/08/sushi-factor.html about some of the wacky hi jinx that may ensue when things that were either off the table, or stated non-preferences in one relationship, are picked up within a new relationship. Based on an incident from our own experiences, I call it "The Sushi Factor".
What's been amusing is to see how that term has slipped into the vernacular of our local poly community! Now, when someone is feeling frustrated about their partner picking up dance classes with their New Shiny, after they'd been requesting to do that for years, they grumble about how "This is all just so much Sushi Factor..." and other people understand what they're trying to say. It can also create a mutually understood starting point on conversation with your partner, when feelings might be running high, or be muddled.
Since writing the original post, I've started taking a slightly different approach on the whole Sushi Factor issue. Yes, it can be completely galling to see your partner taking actions that you've wanted with someone new, but I'm here to say that it also creates an opportunity to leverage the heck out of the NRE that is driving the change, and get more of what you want with your partner! The trick is not letting your bruised ego get in the way. Not always easy for me! ;)
These days, my approach looks a lot more like, "Hey, I'm really excited that you seem to be into xyz now! When can we find some time to do that together?". This seems to be a bit more practically functional, and gets me closer to having more of the things I want in my relationships. If there's reluctance to schedule xyz with me specifically, THEN we can have a SF conversation, and find out what lies beneath the surface.
Anyone up for some raw fish?
Do you ever then feel like your partner is doing that activity because you asked and not because they want to? What if they enjoy it with other partner and not with you, or not as much with you?
ReplyDelete@T: then that's a conversation we have, and find a way to navigate together.
ReplyDeleteFor example, I am kinky, and one of my partners is pretty solidly a bottom. If he'd been asking for a specific activity for a while, but I hadn't been responsive, then did that with someone else, I would expect to have a conversation about why that dynamic didn't fit our relationship.
It would be reasonable, in my opinion, for him to have feelings that would warrant discussion, and not just dismiss it as "separate relationships don't impact each other".