The past several months, I've been in a very strange and new place- being the squeaky wheel in my relationships, particularly the one that S and I share. There have been some big changes in my life, things that I knew were going to be triggering, and pull up a lot of past baggage. This transition has been bumping up against everyone in my network going through a breakup, NRE, or both, in the same time frame.
What's going on? Well, I've opted to do a more fully shared parenting plan with my ex, and, after several months of negotiation, he's moved close by to make that workable. This changes many of the ways that time are being spent within my relationships, parenting, and professional life, and brings a higher level of contact and negotiation with him into my world. It also changes one of my main roles in life, as a Mom, into something I'm unsure of.
In order to try and maintain a sense of safety, I've been striving for a level of predictability within all the other aspects of my life. It's been looking a lot like requiring (gulp) a lot more structure within my relationships. I am shutting down in the moment, running hot and cold, have very little in the way of emotional skin, and am not happy with any of it. I'm tired of historical shit popping up in my current world, tired of breakups, tired of NRE, tired of trying to accommodate so many priorities for so many people. Most of all, I'm tired of my internal landscape being so far from my norm, which is healthy, happy, giving, caring, confident and loving.
What to do? Let go. Let go of the idea of creating a predictable space. Let go of structure. Let go of the past. Let go of the overwhelming responsibilities. Let go of fear. Let go of trying to compete. Let go of screaming to be heard. Trust, and hope that the decisions I've made will work out for all concerned, that the people in my life will choose to consider me, and act in accordance with what I need, if not always with what I want in the moment. Trust and hope that I'm still in here somewhere, and all the rest is irrelevant.
Over the past several years, I've put a lot of myself on the pages here. People have learned from my errors, have agreed, disagreed, rejoiced with me, sorrowed in moments of loss, considered ideas and learned ways to do things differently. It's a mere snapshot of who I am, but it's a real one. If you're following along, and found something useful, I'd like to hear about it now. I need a little lubricant to ease my squeaky wheel, and feeling like this sharing has a larger purpose would be helpful to me.
I don't think there are many who try to live like this. Not inside of ongoing, intense, complex relationships. It is a lot. And when everything changes, the balance is hard. Maybe harder. Probably harder.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your voice. It is good to know there are others blazing this trail.
I wish you all the best,
swan
Darlin' if it were not for you...I would have never realized that what I had once was bad.....I mean, realllly bad.
ReplyDeleteNow I've had it pretty good.
Then better.
Now even Better than ever before !
So because of you I Now re-direct
those *I* teach back to you.
Now how cool is that ? !
No matter what, dear squeaky woman,
you have made a big difference.
Respectfully,
LadyBloved (Brandy)
Thank you both for the comments! It's hard to ask for reassurance when you're supposed to be a person with answers, and I'm so pleased and blessed to have amazing support networks IRL, and online!
ReplyDeleteThings are getting better, and my native optimism is reasserting itself. :)
Crap! That posted anonymously, but it's me!
ReplyDeleteTechnology...
is there anyway I can email you privately.I have a dilema I wld like to ask you about.LadyBloved on fl.
ReplyDeleteI started to read your blog when I was pining for a man who was totally wrong for me and I thought the answer would be to share him with other, khm, people. I admired your articulate writing, also your energy how you can organize your daily life, juggle so many roles and partners, while being a working mother. Now I am in a secure and happy relationship with one man and don't wish anybody else to be intimate with. I consider now polyamory a kind of a compromise, in lack of the real thing, i.e. a partner that can complement and fulfill us in one person. Am I wrong?
ReplyDelete@citykittyphd- I'm glad you've found some good tools reading through the ideas here! Most people seem to find that good relationship skills translate into whatever type of relationship style works best for a given individual. :)
ReplyDeleteAs to your question about poly being a compromise in the desire to have a single partner that can complement and fulfill your needs, I think that's an individual choice.
For me, it doesn't work that way. While I spent 7 years in a completely monogamous relationship (and another 8 with that relationship being open/poly), and while I found that time to be happy and fulfilling, it required compromise as well. I shut down several aspects of my personality, because they weren't shared interests, and didn't develop others. This wasn't a restriction within our relationship, but it was a limitation on personal development.
Within poly, my partners are diverse, and that creates more opportunities for a broader experience of life and love. All of my relationships have their own legs to stand on, and together produce a stronger, multi-faceted landscape for exploration.
Some people find more depth in focus on a single individual, which is where it sounds like you're at currently. Within poly, I do best having at least one partner in the "anchor position", who I do long-term planning with, and spend the majority of my sleeping time with, in this case, my husband. There can be more than one though. ;)