Okay, so if you weren’t already familiar with the term, a
fulcrum is the person found in the mid-point in a V-relationship. This is to
say that the fulcrum dates two others who don’t have a relationship themselves.
Now, those who play the role of the fulcrum are in a unique
position. They are in a position of leveraging power or sharing power to get
what they want.
Fundamentally, it’s a choice between sharing power or
hoarding power. The fulcrum can choose to facilitate an open dynamic between
themselves and their other partners, or, they can choose to become a filter.
A fulcrum that filters exerts power by introducing controls
between their entanglements in an attempt to create predictability and get what
they want.
A fulcrum acting as a filter may rationalize a need for
their controls in just some of the following ways:
1.
The partners don’t know about the other and this
is the fulcrum’s preference;
2.
The partners themselves don’t want to know about
the other or have any desire to interact, and this is the preference of the
fulcrum’s partners;
3.
The partners have no practical or logistical
connection – they’re likely to never meet and the fulcrum doesn’t see a point
in introducing them;
4.
The partners are so irrationally competitive
that the fulcrum finds it easier to manage the dynamic by separating them;
5.
The fulcrum is either afraid or unwilling to
share details of their own intimacy, perhaps at the risk of exposing their own
personal vulnerabilities and insecurities;
6.
The fulcrum is uncomfortable with the prospect
of their partners meeting and interrelating without them – the fulcrum wants to
be necessary to both partners;
7.
The fulcrum wishes to define the practical and
logistical constraints for themselves – example: they wish to retain exclusive
control over their own schedule;
8.
The fulcrum fears moral or ethical scrutiny, or,
a critique of their activities between the partners which might eventually
result in the loss of one or both partners, their criticism, or a wholesale veto
on a partner – all of which may result in the fulcrum not getting what they
want.
Before we’re to pass swift judgment on filtering behavior,
I’d suggest that a fulcrum acting as a filter isn’t necessarily a bad thing:
there are models of polyamory and swinging where relationships are
compartmentalized as a coping mechanism. Filtering may have been a
pre-negotiated aspect of the fulcrum’s dynamic with one or more of their
partners, for example. Filtering ain’t necessarily bad.
On the other hand, a fulcrum is also in a position to create
a more open dynamic:
1.
Facilitate routine interpersonal dialog between
their partners;
2.
Create opportunities where each party can
communicate their needs, expectations, and desires;
3.
Orchestrate events of shared space – where the
fulcrum and their partners come together to socialize and develop bonds of
friendship;
4.
Channel expertise, knowledge, perspective, and
experience between their partners;
5.
Negotiate broadly over logistics and scheduling;
6.
Apply something akin to group therapy to break
down barriers of fear and jealousy between the fulcrum’s partners;
7.
The fulcrum wishes to express an open and
transparent lifestyle to both partners, one that honestly portrays their
activities and intentions;
8.
Create a non-competitive and cooperative
environment in their lifestyle.
Should the fulcrum pursue a more open dynamic, they
surrender power and abandon control for what they hope is a positive outcome.
Although pleasantly optimistic, the old adage “The road to
Hell is paved with good intentions” comes to mind whereas any number of things
could blow up in the fulcrum’s face.
In fact, the fulcrum is gambling. They’re betting that
sharing power with their partners will allow everyone to get what they want.
They’re also gambling that all parties will act selflessly, maturely, and
responsibly; that everyone will avoid being careless with feelings; that their
partners will be honest even when it may uncomfortable to be so; that their
partners want the same things they want.
Er, HellaYikes! – big risks with no guarantees there. How do
you ensure everyone’s on the same page?
Okay, so your homework over the next week is to think about
your power exchange as fulcrum and to figure out if you (or your partners) are
getting needs met.
Are there filtering activities going on – perhaps practices
from years of habit - make you uncomfortable?
Are there opportunities you can exercise as a fulcrum to
facilitate a more open and trusting dynamic?
Are there controls you want the fulcrum in your V to
implement?
Is there a desire to get the fulcrum in your V to be more
facilitative and engaging and involved?
s1m0n
Great reead
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