What do I bring to the table in a relationship? Well, rather a lot, I think! I'm intelligent, witty, caring, giving, good with my hands and feet, snuggle-friendly, communicate well, am sociable, very modest, and, oh yes! I like sex. Quantity, as well as quality, counts for me. I have a pretty intensive sex drive. I like having access to sex, to be able to reach out and get some when I would like, to not tax my partner(s) beyond all endurance by being my one and only source of layage, to share sex with people I love/care for, people I trust with my health and emotions. While poly isn't all about the sex, it's an aspect of poly that I wouldn't prefer to do without.
One of the things that I realized when PG and I first started looking at opening up our relationship up was that I had not really allowed myself to trot out and fully explore my sexuality. A good chunk of that was because I'd not had the opportunity to do so, having gotten into that relationship when I was 18. Some of it was reprogramming the whole "sex is bad" training, which has taken years to get through, particularly since I still tend to see my level of desire for sex as a burden on my partner(s), rather than an amazing resource that I can share with others! ;)
So, I'm working on seeing my innate lustiness as a great way to give to my community, one relationship at a time (or concurrently, if I'm really lucky!). It isn't about being casual, it's about embracing my sexuality as a positive, rather than something that I need to keep buckled in at all times. To feel valued, safe, protected and desired, rather than feared, as a sexually liberated woman.
Shockingly enough, it seems like poly folk are a bit more open and accepting of my particular foibles in this regard. They are more accustomed to sharing with others emotionally and sexually, so someone that has abundant resources to give is pretty highly regarded. Swinging felt like I need to keep my sexuality in a comfortably small box and just pull it out for special occasions, and never get emotional about it. Monogamy felt like my sexuality needed to mirror my partners, with very little room for variation, but I could love as deeply as I wanted to. Poly is the first time that I've been able to envision a place where I can love deeply and embrace every aspect of my sexuality and drive and have it be a positive thing.
Time permitting... ;)
My goodness how I appreciate reading your blog. Beyond being easily read because of your writing skills, the thoughts you present to are at once both challenging, stimulating and liberating!
ReplyDeleteAs a Bi man who's been married in a straight-monogamous relationship and also enjoyed several monogamous gay relationships, I've been longing to know that someone somewhere has broken the mold, or so to speak, to see if something else was possible in meaningful relationships. This latest entry in your blog mentions a dichotomy between monogamy and swinging with regards to sexual expression and describes for me beautifully what poly might offer me in just this one area of relationship. Further, the concept, (at this point for me), that I might not have to limit/conform myself to only one partner in my loving/relationship-life experience feels so wonderfully freeing.
Thank you.
I absolutely love your last paragraph, and this quote in particular: "Poly is the first time that I've been able to envision a place where I can love deeply and embrace every aspect of my sexuality and drive and have it be a positive thing."
ReplyDeleteAmen.
"Time permitting", indeed! :-)
ReplyDeleteBill: Thank you for the compliment on the writing! This blog is really my first stab at writing consistently, or for the consumption of others, so I appreciate the feedback on writing style.
ReplyDeleteThe possibilities for exploration on both emotional and physical levels in poly are pretty unlimited! One without the other just doesn't fill me the same way.
Jade: I'm glad that sentence spoke to you. How is that playing out in your life, or how would you like to see that manifest?
Polywolf: Time truly is the most pertinent limiting factor for almost all of the poly folk I know. I finally succumbed and embraced google calendar. ;)