tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post977715007121858798..comments2024-03-28T02:02:33.131-07:00Comments on Journals of a Polyamorous Triad: Island, peninsula, or part of the continent?Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-63642614355609058182009-03-31T04:29:00.000-07:002009-03-31T04:29:00.000-07:00"Connectedness" disputes between partners seem pre..."Connectedness" disputes between partners seem pretty straight forward to me. Sad if you want more then you are being offered, annoying if more is being taken then is offered, but pretty simple since it is a binary system.<BR/><BR/>What is tricker to me are "connectedness" disputes between metamours. If I have an island relationship with someone who is part of a continent the relationship with the other people in that group is tricky. Yea they are close and share decision making with my partner, but they are not closely connected with me, so I can end up feeling like the other members of my partners landmass have more decision making power over my relationship then I do, and it gets even worse if I am a part of a land mass too, because the gravity well from these other relationships pulls at a looser connection and can sometimes pull it asunder out of good motives.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-67108765593119839442009-03-31T00:55:00.000-07:002009-03-31T00:55:00.000-07:00People are creating new poly paradigms everywhere ...People are creating new poly paradigms everywhere I look. Over on the Yahoo group Expansive Loving, some folks seem to be designing an amalgam of free agents bonded together as a family of choice. They don't see those as forced binaries. Autonomy and integrity are their bywords, responsibility to self generating mutual respect for one another. Transparency not hierarchy provides security.<BR/><BR/> I am continually impressed by the creative ways in which people can fashion lives that work for all those they choose to love. Now that we've broken out of the confining boxes society provided us we are building structures whose beauty arises out of their very uniqueness. <BR/><BR/>Whether I see myself as Majorca, the Iberian Peninsula, or part of the European continent may just depend on how and where I attempt to form alliances and what sorts of treaties we feel the need to negotiate. This piece never changes, no matter which paradigm flag I'm flying. <BR/><BR/>Thanks for providing more opportunity for the evolving dialogue.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-65805349829945187302009-03-30T14:50:00.000-07:002009-03-30T14:50:00.000-07:00I like the idea of developing non-hierarchical des...I like the idea of developing non-hierarchical descriptions for relationships. Although I can see in some relationships the importance of someone being Primary. I personally become more uncomfortable when it comes to going down the line with labels of Secondary, Tertiary, etc. I feel most comfortable to describe my relationships explaining that all are loved for each their own special things that they can bring to the relationship. <BR/><BR/>I look forward to more discussion of this topic.Darcyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04880710733488598045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-65193135126225583882009-03-30T13:45:00.000-07:002009-03-30T13:45:00.000-07:00Yes Tacit, this is an alternate way of looking at ...Yes Tacit, this is an alternate way of looking at relationship connection outside of hierarchy. In our household, one of the partners is pretty uncomfortable with that terminology, so I'm working to explore other practical ways to look at relationship connectivity without hierachical classifications being a default place to start a conversation. This feels like a promising possibility. I'd like to hear more from you about your "free agent" and "family" concepts!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-27099269160957842942009-03-30T12:25:00.000-07:002009-03-30T12:25:00.000-07:00What you're describing as "island" and "continent"...What you're describing as "island" and "continent" people, I've usually referred to as "free agent" and "family" models of polyamory.<BR/><BR/>It's been my experience that there is a continuum between "free agents" (who tend not to involve themselves with a lver's other lovers, tend not to see their relationships as being interconnected, and/or tend not to put a lot of focus on group consensus) and people who tend to see their entire network as part of a single family. One one extreme, free agents may even present themselves or behave like they're single; on the other extreme, people may not even permit their partners to express any interest in new lovers without the unanimous approval of everyone involved in the relationship.<BR/><BR/>I don't think this is directly related to hierarchy, though.<BR/><BR/>I've known free agents who nevertheless do designate one relationship as "primary," and I've known people who adopt a strong family model of polyamory who nevertheless don't make distinctions between "primary" and "secondary" partners. And on the flip side of the same coin, I've known free agents who recognize no distinctions in hierarchy and strong family-oriented polyamorists who maintain a strict "primary couple" with a hierarchy of partners beneath them.<BR/><BR/>So essentially, I think we're talking about two separate, unrelated things here; your "island" and "continent" folks may or may not adopt a hierarchy, and the way they approach relationships isn't necessarily related to whether or not they use hierarchies within their relationships.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09729363152593705183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-91574473582992841692009-03-30T11:13:00.000-07:002009-03-30T11:13:00.000-07:00Thank you both for the additional comments! Yes, ...Thank you both for the additional comments! Yes, I agree that all of those models can be used, even simultaneously, within a given person's relationship network. <BR/><BR/>When I've seen issues arise is when one partner desires a different level of "land mass" than another. Also, there are times when one starts out on the island, decides the import taxes stink, and moves to the closest peninsula, or that the hustle and bustle of continental living is too stressful and they'd rather operate on island living schedules. Being aware of those states, and communicating when they are changing, is information important to shared with partners.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-66461518254492787522009-03-30T04:00:00.000-07:002009-03-30T04:00:00.000-07:00To me these are not fixed preferences, so much as ...To me these are not fixed preferences, so much as possible modes for a relationship. I like being part of a continent, but in order for that to work I have to have a similar climate and topology to the people I am considering connecting this closely with, which is not always true.<BR/><BR/>Even if I don't share enough feature of my emotional environment to join that closely I might still be interested in building a land bridge to someone and forming a peninsula,but that doesn't mean that both of us cannot be parts of our own continent, like the land bridge that formed between asia and north america.<BR/><BR/>And sometimes when my emotional weather forecast is stormy I will stick to an islands relationship to keep others out of the ugly currents. But a relationship like this can exist between any two land masses that are not closely connected, even to continents. <BR/><BR/>I like this system though because it is not ordered, but I really don't think preferences are universal. Mexico is part of the North American continent that has a peninsula relationship with Colombia and sees Norway which is part of a close triad and a larger continent, but only on an island basis. Mexico probably likes all these connections, it might feel it actually has more in common with Colombia then with Canada, but the USA is a good hinge between then and that relationship is important enough to make the commitment to be a single land mass, but Columbia has its own land mass commitment and you are just never going to get Brazil and the USA to agree to share political bounderies. Ok I a stopping now before I get too deep in to geography neard territory.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7404345771022225541.post-83271294759947525352009-03-29T19:27:00.000-07:002009-03-29T19:27:00.000-07:00This is a GREAT post! I am all for people having t...This is a GREAT post! I am all for people having the "same page" talk, but knowing that in the future your preference may change. I think at this point, I could be any of the 3, depending on the lover involved. However, I want the same affection, touch, communication with all, but understand that some people are like you say, oriented to being an island, peninsula, or continent, and may not want to change. Thank you! xoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com