Journals of a Polyamorous Triad

Poly Myers-Briggs.

2011-10-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

It seems like there are several different approaches to poly that work well for people as individuals. There can be challenges involved when those of differing styles attempt relationship connections, but even those issues can be workable if there is conscious awareness.

This project came up as I was considering discussion topics for the group we host monthly. It's just a conversation starter, to see what types of things are most important, and where there might be unnoticed disconnects.

Without further ado!

Myers Briggs of Poly Styles

"Speed" axis: How quickly do you form connections/relationships in general?
 Fluid- more rapid in forming emotional and/or sexual connections.
 Growth- deliberate in forming emotional and/or sexual connections.
 Static- slow moving in forming emotional and/or sexual connections.
"Structure" axis: How would you describe your ideal poly relationship structure?
 Open- People come and go at will forming "polycules" which consist of individual dyadic relationships.
 Network- People often connect socially with metamours. Some sort of "get to know you" is usually requested or offered early on in becoming part of the extended group.
 Closed- Approval of existing members needed before new member is allowed to join.
“Attitude” axis: What level of entanglement is desired with partners and/or metamours?
 Independent- Prefers to do their own thing with their own partner .
 Community- Enjoys being part of socially connected groups some of the time.
 Family- Actively prioritizes shared time and/or space with partners and metamours.
“Intimacy Style” axis: How is romantic closeness with others achieved? More than one may apply.
 Sexual – Connects with others via sharing physical intimacy.
 Emotional - Connects with others via sharing feelings.
 Activities and Shared Experience- Connects with others via sharing experience and spending time together.
Prioritization Axis:
 Hierarchical- priority is given to preservation of existing primary relationship/s.
 Weighted- some relationships are prioritized over others, but open to changes, adding an additional primary, etc.
 Egalitarian-committed to not prioritizing some relationships over others.
Relationship Saturation Axis: What would your ideal relationship concentration look like?
 Full-boat- completely satisfied with current relationship(s). Prefer relationships to dating.
 Open to opportunities to connect-neither closed off to forming new relationships, nor actively looking, but being closed to possibilities would feel restrictive.
 Actively seeking new partner(s)? Looking for new connections regardless of current partner status. Consistently open to dating and exploration.
Nature or Nurture Axis:
 Born Poly- Came out of the womb hardwired for multiple relationships. Being monogamous would feel unnatural.
 Poly by Choice- Poly makes sense, and is a desired style of relationship for a myriad of reasons. Unlikely to get into a monogamous relationship.
 Mono or Poly- Happy being open to either poly or mono, depending on circumstances in life, if current partner is open to poly, etcetera.
Flow of Information Axis:
 Confidential- No desire to hear about other partners/activities with and/or have information about the relationship they are involved in shared with metamours, unless explicitly approved in advance.
 Pertinent- Don’t need to have all the details, but want to have personally relevant information shared.
 Transparency- Desire the free flow of information about all relationships partners are involved in, and are comfortable with partner sharing that with metamours.
Formality Axis:
 Detailed- extensive agreements/contracts covering every eventuality.
 General- conscious agreements about a few major subjects.
 Short-term- temporary agreements only.

In addition, there were suggestions for the addition of a-
Poly and Kinky Axis:
-Poly, then kinky in relationship style.
-Kinky, then poly in relationship style.
-Poly, and not kinky in relationship style.

and-
Voting Rights Axis:
-Veto is part of my relationships.
-Veto is part of my relationships, but only in early stages where emotional investment is low.
-Veto isn't part of my relationships. Ever.

General response at the discussion group was positive. One of the main things people liked was that the form was of a manageable length to be a quick activity, without being overly serious or intimidating.

If you're curious to take a look at the discussion thread on FL that this developed on, here's the link: https://fetlife.com/groups/107/group_posts/1819595 This got contentious, and long, so be advised. ;)

Erotic Compersion

2011-09-14T09:40:00.001-07:00

There was a discussion going on recently regarding the idea that one partner would be turned-on erotically by their partner's outside sexual activities. Let's call that "erotic compersion".

One point that puzzled me was the concept that this would create a non-consensual/undesirable sexual dynamic between the metamours. Now, if there was an expectation of sexual contact between the non-dating partners, I am completely on board with this concern! For example: Let's say that I am fortunate enough to make a wonderful erotic connection with another woman, and S or D were expecting to be able to watch or participate while she and I were being intimate physically. Um, no. This isn't a package deal, at least not unless it's specifically negotiated as such.

Let's look at another possibility: I'm happily engaged in an erotic relationship with another woman. S is working downstairs while I'm playing privately upstairs, and the happy noises emanating are turning him on. Is that involving him in the sexual dynamic I share with my female partner? Don't think so. Is it okay that I feel sparkly and hot when D gets home from a date with someone else? Is that me having non-consensual sexual feelings about them? I beg to differ. I'm getting sparked up about my partner being with someone else, not about the metamour.

Now, I understand that there is a statistically significant portion of poly folks out there that, while perfectly okay with their partner having other romantic/sexual connections, prefer to keep their partners and their activities entirely separate from the direct relationship shared. My approach probably isn't going to work with these peeps. Ditto for me with theirs. One of the things I like best about poly is the connectivity between the different relationships we all have, including the part where I get turned on by their outside sexual activities. Erotic compersion is something I wouldn't want to do without in my relationships.

The "Sushi Factor".

2011-08-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

This is something that has come up in many relationships I've been in, observed, or heard about, so perhaps there is some value to be gleaned by putting it out there. In our house, we call it the "sushi factor". Here is how we discovered the S.F.: I'm a fan of sushi, and had invited S to go on several occasions. He pleaded off with, "I just can't stand fish, and raw fish particularly, so that's a no.". Fast forward some number of months, insert a new love interest he was seeing, and suddenly, there is S eating sushi with new person. Color me less than thrilled.

Now, with a "normal" mono relationship, you can go with the, "People change, and maybe they just like it now." theory when you see your ex, who was virulently opposed to xyz now engaged happily in it. Within poly, when you've made a request of partner, gotten a no, and then see them doing that with another partner, it can be a bit tougher to run with that theory.

Oddly enough, there seems to be strong anecdotal evidence that men are at higher risk of stepping in this particular mess. In every case I've directly observed, it's been the guy that said he wasn't interested in (fill in the blank), then proceeds to do it with new partner. Things like a shopping venue, type of food, activity, a sex act, or relationship style.

S and I were talking that over at lunch the other day, and his supposition, which may not be particularly flattering to our male audience, is that the desire to bag a new partner often trumps existing boundaries/preferences with current partners. Hunting instinct.

Now, there are a great many poly folks out there that will say that everyone is entitled to enjoy, or not, whatever types of activities and cuisine they wish to with whomever they want. They'd be right too. However, in practical applied terms, this may not be the best policy to run with.

Real life example from personal history: Back in the swinging days, I was out on a full swap evening with my partner at the time. Things were ramping up sexually, and the man I was playing with went down on me, and began to stimulate me anally as well. After a short time, I noticed that his partner seemed a bit upset, and took a break, grabbing her on the way out of the room to chat. She was embarrassed to admit it, but she was upset because she really enjoyed oral sex with anal stimulation, and asked for that several times, getting a no from her partner. What's the first thing he does out with someone new? Go down on her and stick his finger up her ass! Seriously, does anyone out there reading this think that's a winning strategy for domestic tranquility?

Now, some of you may be inclined to just write this off as NRE insanity, and while there may be an element of truth to that, NRE isn't an excuse for a lack of consideration or sensitivity. In the event that you are out with someone new (or in with them), and they bring up/you have this great idea you've heard before...somewhere...pause for a moment and consider where it originated. If it's with an existing partner, I respectfully suggest that it might be worth holding off on doing with the new person, and giving your existing partner first shot at it.

Now, am I unhappy that I can now sometimes cadge S into going to have sushi? No, I'll leverage that NRE-induced experimental bent for all it's worth! However, it would have been much nicer and possibly built more trust and intimacy in our relationship to have that level of willingness to try something extended my way without the need for NRE intoxication.

Note: This whole concept applies only to those things that everyone is willing to do/try. There is no suggestion that anyone should "take one for the team", or feel pressured to do something they don't want to do.

Time on Your Own, or Shared Experience?

2011-08-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

The title is a bit disingenuous, as it seems pretty apparent that these aren't the only options on the table. S and I were talking earlier this week, and it popped up that we're on somewhat different spaces on the continuum of "spending time on my own/with others is what makes me an interesting person/partner" as it relates to "spending time together in shared experience builds intimacy/closeness". He tends more into the "time on my own" camp, while I lean towards the "shared experience" model.

While we both find value in each other's stance on a personal level, it is a difference that is important in how we approach relationships, particularly in a poly setting. One of the things I realized, largely because S is off on a "first weekend away" trip with A, is that I tend to shut off connection with partners when they are spending exclusive time with others. In the context of a date night, this isn't a big deal, but when it's expanded out to several days, it feels uncomfortable and weird. He called in to talk last night, and it felt uncomfortable to me to be talking.

At least right now, I don't seem to be capable of expanding my compersion bubble to include longer dates/overnights/trips. Frankly, I beat myself up about this pretty often. It kind of wrecks what D calls my "look good". It's a different response emotionally than I want to be having intellectually, and I REALLY dislike that dissonance!

I don't have concerns with their relationship, or their taking time. This is clearly past tapes playing. Historically for me, trips have been a pivot point in relationships. Power plays have been made, breakups ensued, massive changes that seem to come out of left field, and I'm such a stability junkie that there is intense antipathy for going through that again, so I've gotten to a point that I really dislike trips and overnights. Not just for my partners, but often for me.

This is a good opportunity to go through something scary for me, and have it be okay at the end of the weekend. To have everyone be congruent in doing what they say they're going to do. Wash, rinse, repeat until old tapes stop playing.

Enough about me! Back to our topic! For S, spending time on his own is important, having diverse experiences that are different from his partner(s) helps him feel like he's bringing something to the table in terms of being an interesting person. Agreed. For me, spending time together doing new or familiar things builds intimacy and closeness. Agreed. I think he's good at the shared experience thing, and I think I'm less good with time on my own.

Partly, my lack of skill in solo time is because I seldom have time to myself. The roles I have in life right now are quite encompassing, and as a pretty intensive extrovert, I'd rather spend time with the people I care about when I have it available to spend than do something on my own. If I'm not working, hanging with my kiddo, S, D, the dogs, working on a community event, writing, cleaning, cooking, or reading, I'm sleeping. Hobbies? Honestly, I don't have any. That seems out of balance.

Part of the issue is that I don't really have things I'm interested in doing that are more compelling than what's right in front of me. That probably makes me a bit on the dull side though, and certainly doesn't contribute to growing new skills, or being an interesting partner who is bringing something intriguing to the table. So what to do? What does a busy poly mom do for fun on the side? Frankly, I'm open to suggestions.

Well, I'm off to brunch with my meta-metamour (A's other partner), and then we shall see! Perhaps an erotic photography session? Mud wrestling at the nude beach? Lots of self-care that I don't usually take time for? The day is my oyster.

What I Want, versus What I Need.

2011-08-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

Note: This is a guest blog by D. Hopefully the first of many! Enjoy!

____________________________________________________________________

I've always been a rather literal person. I was when I was young and I still am today. I am often able to recognize when others are not speaking literally (from context) and adapt my understanding and responses accordingly, but to this day it is an uncomfortable experience. I especially deplore hyperbole, unless I'm the offender.

Now I don't mean to say that this is the case in every situation. Rather, I find myself preferring to interpret and formulate verbal communication as literal more and more as the importance of the topic elevates. If we are talking about a movie that just came out, by all means say that it's absolutely horrible (I will still take you seriously, but the repercussions are negligible). But when we are talking about feelings, relationships, or cheese, please do not stray far from saying what you actually mean.

I remember talking with friends about how people used the term “need” far too freely, in my opinion. There are few actual needs that come up in day to day experience. Oxygen is a big one. A person needs water somewhat regularly. Food is a good thing to have from time to time. Some form of temperature regulation, whether that be from clothing, shelter, or climate doesn't really matter, is also something that seems to qualify as a “need” for pesky health reasons.

That was a perfectly reasonable position to hold, in my opinion, and I did so for a long, long time. I even remember feeling a bit superior to people who held a less stringent standard for their definition of the word. Silly that. When a disparity in definitions became apparent I corrected others, informing them that they were confusing a “want” for a “need”. In each case the person would pause, put on a troubled look, then concede my point, all the while cursing my inflexibly pedantic usage, no doubt.

This continued until one day I was speaking with a partner about this topic, how others confuse “wants” and “needs”, and how we really didn't need to discuss “needs” at all within the context of relationships unless there was some sort of survival-level dependency involved. They did the same pause, and wore the same troubled look, but then they said something quite different. With some heat they countered that while that was certainly a valid observation if we were talking about surviving in the wilderness, that we were actually talking about the survival of a relationship.

Wow, was I dumb.

Using a context based definition of necessity is not an earth shatteringly original concept, but it was one that had evaded me. I was diminishing others' statements of what they needed by arguing that it wasn't really a “need”, but simply what they “wanted”. While there may be some traction to that argument, especially for those with less self-knowledge or those who are particularly selfish, it certainly isn't the case all of the time. Besides, if someone is particularly selfish, wouldn't it be better to address that issue directly rather than debating a semantic point about their use of language?

I found, after careful reflection, that this was actually an adaptation that had allowed me to deal with some things that happened (or rather, didn't happen) to me as a child. My father provided for me. He protected me. My needs were seen to. The thing that I realized, however, was that those statements were only true with my particularly inane definition of the term “need” (or “provided”, or “protected”). None of those statements were true if you used a broader definition.

It felt very important to me to defend the way that my father raised me. The deck was stacked against him quite badly, and he worked hard to make sure that I always had food, shelter, clothing, and that I always felt loved. This was no mean feat, truly. While considering other possible definitions of “need”, I ran across one that caused me a great deal of pain. It's the one that I still use to this day.

“Need: Required for healthy vibrant growth and/or existence.”

When I first thought of this I cried. I still feel teary, writing this, as it really strips away the defenses I had built up over the years. I wasn't given many of the things that children need in order to have healthy vibrant growth. Not on a regular basis, certainly. I used to think about people who had it worse than me, and I would backslide and argue against this position. In the end I'm forced to conclude that just because there were people who were worse off than me doesn't mean that I had it all that good, in some ways.

When I compared my childhood against this measure, one of being provided with what I would have required for healthy, vibrant growth, it's clear that my experience fell well short of the mark. I say this with little to no blame directed at my father. He really had it tough. I do have some feelings about the way things worked out, but if I'm going to be honest, he really was a hero. The things that he did, the things he endured, I can't blame him for the way things happened, at least not without a great deal of compassion and understanding.

That being said, how does this epiphany play out now? What changed when I plug this new definition into the same old conversations I'd been having with partners for years?

Well, first off, I raised my standards by several orders of magnitude. I could see how weak self-esteem had reinforced my previous position with regard to relationships. How could I ask for more in this relationship when I was lucky to even have a partner in the first place? It seemed that two separate “tapes” were playing and were mutually reinforcing each other.

Another change was that I began to notice some of the unrealistic standards I had set up for myself. After some quiet reflection I realized that I needed to take it a bit easier on myself and be more intentional with my requests of others. Let me be careful to emphasize that these were requests, not demands.

To this day I can still struggle with asking for what I want in relationships. I'm getting better, but it's still enough of a success that when I do it, I notice, then I immediately pat myself on the back for it. If things are uncomfortable or problematic I speak up quickly, but it things are neutral and I'm trying to proactively seek joy, there is still something holding my back.

I get to expect what I need. I get to ask for what I want. I get to seek my own happiness with those around me, as I contribute to theirs in kind. It's my job to pay attention to my inner world, gleaning self-knowledge, and to share that with those who are closest to me. If a particular partner doesn't want to be a part of a given desire, that's fine, but it they aren't willing to meet one of my needs, then perhaps we ought not to be partners.

In my current season of dating, it's making me feel much more comfortable, competent, and confident knowing that I can discuss and describe my needs, thus giving people of interest the opportunity to let me know what they can or can't do or be for me.

So, what do you need from your partners?

Ask For What You Want!

2011-08-08T11:46:00.000-07:00

"Ask For What You Want." It's right up there with "Communication! Communication! Communication!" as advice you'll get when looking into polyamory as a relationship style. It's also pretty vague, and unlikely to get the job done without a significant amount of self-awareness and some practice.

There are several potential hitches in the system that can hang up efforts to AFWYW. One is the person who is pretty deferential in asking, to the point where their message is nearly completely eclipsed by the lack of clarity. Often, this is based in the reluctance that many of us have to request help with something that might be emotionally challenging.

I ran into this personally in recently when I later realized that the conversation I thought I had, wasn't the same as the one my partner had experienced with me. Looking more closely at the interaction, it seemed likely that I hadn't been as clear as I would have wanted in AFWYW because I thought my own emotional concerns were a little silly/irrational/made me look bad, and I like to be reasonable, rational and good with the poly!

Another root of deferential requests can be the underlying feeling that you don't deserve whatever it is that you're asking for. Maybe it's something kind of big, or perhaps it's just that you don't feel worthy of asking others to put work in on your behalf, or that you aren't sure if the relationship you share with someone supports that level effort. These are questions that need to be assessed internally (Is this a self-worth issues?), and often with the partner as well (So, how do you feel about holding down the fort with the kiddo while I'm off on a date with Other Partner?).

Many of us pride ourselves on being independent and capable to the point of not wanting to want or need help at all! For me, this can be a tough one. I'm actively working on making small requests of partners to desensitize myself to that idea. It isn't that I can't do something "all by myself", it's that extreme independence all the time can be a way of cheating my partners of being able to put into the pot and give to the relationship, setting up a power dynamic that isn't particularly helpful. If I'm Little Miss Independence, doing it all on my own, there isn't a lot of space for them to "give" into. In fact, I will go further and suggest that it is a mark of greater strength to be able to ask for and accept help, even when it isn't a situation of dire need, than it is to refuse help based on the "I'm independent and capable." platform.

Of course, another main impediment to AFWYW is lack of self-awareness. Sometimes, we don't know what we want, and so asking for it is kind of hard to execute. This one is mostly internal work, although friends and partners can be (if you ask nicely! ;)) great sounding boards to help you figure out what is desired or needed. Once you can identify your want/need, coming up with a strategy together to satisfy it is a wonderful thing to practice!

AFWYW can turn into a negotiation pretty easily, so another key is to know where your bottom line lies. How much of what you're asking for is a need? How much is a want? If you end up giving away the farm in a negotiation, resentment (with yourself, your partner, your metamour, the situation in general) with the results is pretty likely, and no one wants that. We heard from several people earlier this week at group that this was something they'd needed to work on. "I want x, and my partner wants z, so I'll give them z, and see if I can get a little x worked in too, but this really isn't what I want/need/asked for, and now I think I negotiated away my position because I thought if I gave them z, they'd give me more x, but it doesn't seem to be working out..." This way lies madness!!!

Be prepared to get a "no" sometimes. There are points where it's just not going to fly, and that doesn't mean your partner(s) don't love and value you, it doesn't mean they don't respect your needs, or want to give you something, it just may not be possible, or they might need to give away too much of themselves to accomplish your request. It's okay to feel disappointed, it's okay to review the request and find another option that might be workable, it's okay to seek reassurance. It's likely a problem if you feel angry, or that your partner "owes" you whatever you ask for, whenever you ask for it.

Asking for what you want is a skill that we all would do well to put near the top of the priority list. In the words of the immortal Stuart Smalley: "I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with. I can ask for what I want because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!"

When are you ready?

2011-08-03T08:08:00.001-07:00

With the wedding and family trip over, and D moved in, things are settling into a new trajectory for the household. It's a very positive feel around here for the most part, and will feel even more settled once the kids (our other roommate's daughter is around more in the summer) are back in school.

It seems that this is a time of blossoming opportunities, deepening of existing relationships, and looking towards further personal growth. Since D's moved in, a couple of connections are becoming burgeoning relationships. S and his other partner, A, are spending a bit more time and energy together, and taking steps forward in other ways. I'm being advised, by both S and D, as well as my daughter, that it's time for me to get back in the dating pool and find myself a girlfriend.

Since PG and I split a couple of years ago, I've been having a bit more of a challenge putting myself out there. It got more intense when S and I parted ways with JA last fall, even when considering casual connections. I haven't gone on a date with anyone new in quite some time. Part of that has been a lack of time and energy to do so, but a good chunk is just flat out fear. I've taken more of a battering on an emotional level than I care to admit, and opening myself up again is scary. I've certainly got "enough" going on to feel well-fed and fulfilled, so the motivation to push through that discomfort is a bit sketchy.

In my head, this seems simple enough: Find someone that I'm interested in connecting with, and ask them out. In execution it's looking a lot like me filtering everyone out on some minor basis so that I don't have to risk anything.

Perhaps I'm just not ready yet? I don't have a history of being dumped, so no real experience to draw off of to know when I'm not "broken" anymore by that pain. I think that's why it's called a break up now. Not because you're breaking off a relationship, but because something inside breaks when you lose an important connection. I'm not sure if that's healed, or how much, or even if it needs to be to connect again.

Happiness and optimism are my usual state of being, and that's where I live right now. The present and future hold much joy and promise, and yet I know that there is space for something/one more. How do I get over the hump and stop letting fear hold me back when so much pleasure already exists in my life? Is it just a "fake it 'til you make it" sort of challenge?

Nothing says I have to get it right immediately, or pick another life partner this month, or this year. Even if I go out with someone and it doesn't click, that doesn't need to mean pain or failure. What irks me most about this is feeling limited by my fear, so I am going to choose to move forward with a date or two, and let the cards fall where they may. One great thing about having some epic pain-based experience is that my partner selection skills feel much stronger, so I'm going to trust that to move me forward. At the end of the day, I still have the loving arms of my family to rely on. :)

Reinitializing!

2011-07-31T09:34:00.001-07:00

Whew! It's been FAR too long since last I wrote here, and changes are all around us. I'll be looking to expand more in the near future, but for now, let me give a short synopsis of the past few weeks:

Summer began, which equals more time spent in active parenting, schlepping the kiddo from one place to another, and creating opportunities for recreation and growth, all while keeping up with my work schedule, and the rest of everything that has been going on. Frankly, summertime is exhausting!
S's parents were visiting in advance of our wedding. This involved some Q&A about why we are choosing to get married if we're "still doing that poly thing", a trip to the beach, several family dinners, and an attempt at bonding over pedicures.
S and I got married! More on this later, but for now, let's just say that even a small home wedding with mostly friends in attendance takes a lot of energy and time to set up and execute.
We went on a short honeymoon, which was delightful, and hatched a scheme for future planning that includes finding a property on the coast that we can share with the community as a vacation/retreat spot.
D decided that he was ready to look at moving into the house with us! Both my daughter and S had brought this up as an idea previously, and it'd been bandied about for a while. Now was the time! We got the preliminaries started, I cleared space for him to move into, and then I had to leave again.
Family trip to Michigan to introduce S to my extended family. This was the first time I'd been back since PG and I split, and here I come with a new spouse and my Pacific NW ways! A bit over a week spent there, with family gatherings, visits to Amish farms, amusement park trips to celebrate daughter's 1oth birthday, much time immersed in "lake culture", and being fed excessively.
Came back home, and the next day helped D move his big stuff. Secured an extra refrigerator to accomodate the increase in people in the house.

So yeah, it's been a busy month, and I'll be picking out pieces to focus on in more depth in the upcoming weeks. Thank you all for your patience as we sort out all these shifts! It's been wild ride, but the trajectory is feeling really great!

Community and Children

2011-06-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

It's the last week of school here, and summer looms on the horizon. The eternal whinging cry of, "I'm bored!" is likely to fill the air soon. The early weeks of summer don't have many programs or activities planned, are spendy, or involve that weird 2-3 hour segment of time that gives the parents exactly enough time to drive kid, drop off kid, and have no useful space to do anything before heading back to pick up the kiddo again. Whatever is a parent to do?

Well, it turns out that we aren't the only parents in the local poly community! In fact, when one parent posted for help with this on FB, several of us banded together to get some activities and social time on the calendar, sharing the joy of planning! We have several girls within a couple year age range that get along well, so that's helpful. One occasion will even involve social time for the kids while the adults are enjoying a poly discussion group! Another will free up S and I to have dinner with his parents prior to our wedding. A third will involve me taking a day off to enjoy my child and her friends socially.

The really wonderful part of this strategy is that it helps to diffuse the "My family is so weird, and no one else understands what it's like." idea by demonstrating that, not only are there other kids in other poly families, but that the concept of extended family and community isn't just something we talk about, but is actually happening. That, in absence of local family, programs etc, we are choosing to step up for each other, for them, to create a (hopefully!) fun and supportive environment.

I'd encourage each of you to plug in where you're at, with or without kids, to find some way, however small, to support others in your community in a practical way, socially or otherwise. Having gone from feeling daunted by the vast swathe of unplanned summer break stretching before me, to knowing that there are resources that I can both contribute to, and benefit from, has put me in a very optimistic frame of mind. Thank you to my co-conspirators in poly parenting!

Shared Time

2011-06-05T08:21:00.001-07:00

For years now I've noticed that my happiest poly experiences involve partners who are comfortable with and enjoy sharing time with others important in my life. Yes, I absolutely enjoy and prioritize solo time as well, but someone who really likes to do things together with my child and my other partner(s) has a significant leg up on gaining additional levels of intimacy and access to my heart, among other bits. ;)

One of the things I've been enjoying lately has been watching the new HBO series, Game of Thrones with S, D and S's other partner, A. We'll do some BBQ, talk about things of import in our lives, and snuggle on the couch together while enjoying the complex storyline of the show, along with the T&A often found in such HBO originals! There's a bit of racy energy, but it's more a companionable vibe that is building appreciation of each other as individuals, the ties shared with mutual partners, and that extended family thing that is so deeply satisfying to me.

Some conversations are deeply personal, and the openness and trust shown is intimacy-building for me. While I have many community connections, letting people in closer feels more risky, so being able to take these little steps together, one meal, one episode, one hug, one discussion at a time, eases those fears.

People wonder how to build compersion? This is where it's at for me! Expend the time and energy to get to know your metamours. Start with happy healthy relationships, find something enjoyable for everyone to do together, and enjoy the fallout. Shared time isn't for everyone, but for those of us who like a more extended family or close community model of poly, it's an important building block.

The "Bubble".

2011-05-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

During the last discussion group, we were delving into the concept of building compersion within relationship spheres, and one of the concepts that I connected with was that of the "bubble". The bubble is that zone that can form around a particular set of people (often a couple) within a relationship grouping that may feel excluding to the others that they are in relationship with.

Where I've seen this crop up in the past is usually when a partner is in NRE with a new connection, and they are nearly completely oblivious to anything and anyone in their vicinity. Alternately, it may include a territorial feel, where no one is quite certain where the boundaries lie between relationships, or what every one's tolerances are for regarding PDA's.

For some in the group, they just adored seeing their partners being so "cute" with others that this wasn't an issue. The bubble was a dose of welcome outside perspective. For others, me usually included, it can feel uncomfortable, exclusionary, and/or inconsiderate.

For those that were in the camp of cute, the idea of introducing themselves into the bubble of some one's dynamic seemed to feel intrusive or controlling, in the realm of interfering with their partner's other relationships. Perhaps this is another one of those points of difference between community/family style poly and free-agent poly? To be clear, I'm not talking about the idea of pushing in on private date or intimacy time, but rather how interactions go within shared time.

After some back and forth on perspectives, it finally hit me as to why I've felt discomfort with the bubble in the past: When I find that I alter my behavior (or am requested to do so) with a partner in an attempt to accommodate the sensibilities of a metamour, that hits my radar as not-a-good-thing. I'm very touch oriented, and not holding my partner's hand, snuggling, hugging, kissing etc. in front of someone that is also intimate with my partner feels like censorship. It doesn't build compersion, intimacy, or trust with me. It creates an "us versus them" environment.

Being affectionate with a partner isn't an exclusive thing for me. I don't mind when a metamour also touches, kisses our shared partner. It's compersion building for me to observe the happy, but I don't like being excluded from the happy. That feels compartmentalizing, and I'm big on integrating during shared time.

Fortunately, this isn't something that I am currently experiencing, so it's a great time to explore what's not worked well in the past, to be able to accurately communicate and advocate for my desires in regards to affection in community/family time in the future. The bubble isn't scary anymore, because I know that my partners are open to being inclusive, so there is no "pushing my way in" that needs to be done. As for the metamours, I can share my perspective and demonstrate what that looks like, and hope it works for them as well!

What does "reasonable" look like?

2011-04-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

What is "reasonable" when it comes to making requests in our relationships? Ask ten people, and you'll probably get about that many answers. The common refrain I've heard lately is that, while you can ask for anything you want, having expectations of compliance/agreement isn't good poly. Not sure if I agree.

Everyone retains the right to say no at any time, for any reason, to change the agreements, and that's just a free choice issue. Technically, that's true. However, on a practically applied level, having clear agreements that are followed-up on without being changed haphazardly is useful to me in my life. The idea that my partners could just yank the rug up from underneath me without discussion, or be surprised if I was upset if they didn't follow through with an agreement, is distinctly unreasonable to me.

Let's cut back to the idea of reasonable requests: For me, these are things like, "Safer sex agreements aren't changed prior to being discussed.", or, "We don't have loud sex when a child is present in the house.", or, "If I say I'm going to do something that impacts you in a specific time frame, I will either get that done in that zone, or update you if that doesn't work out as expected before that time frame has expired.", or, a personal favorite, "I will let you know as soon as practically possible if I make an agreement or plans within another relationship that may impact the relationship we share. Preferably, I'll strive to include you in that negotiation.".

For a lot of more independently-minded poly folks, that list may sound a bit unpalatable, and that's okay! They aren't my target dating-pool. I seek partners that find responsibility to others to be an aspect of intimacy and freedom that they gravitate towards. For me, being emotionally involved with someone who lacks an interest in having agreements with me is unpalatable. It doesn't lead me in the direction of feeling emotionally intimate, and comes across as a lack of interest in me as a person, much less as a relationship partner.

Perhaps this is a reflection of the relationship goals I have of "long-term" and "stable"? Typically, I don't get into deeply emotive relationships and just "see where it goes". Intimate emotional connection and vulnerability is reserved for those in my life who are positive contributors choosing to be integrally connected for the foreseeable future.

Does the concept of "reasonable" all boil down to mutual choice? This seems likely. Reasonable agreements are ones that are mutually beneficial on some level, and consented to in concert. Changing those unilaterally without arriving together at a new position isn't likely to build goodwill and trust in your relationships, so take the time and expend the energy on creating accord with your partners. Be reasonable!

Not Enough

2011-04-11T13:54:00.001-07:00

In the past couple of weeks, my non-domestic partner, D, and I have been unsuccessful in connecting several times for various reasons. I've been missing him quite a bit! This has brought up the idea that some people seem to hang onto when observing poly relationships: If my partner was "enough" for me, there wouldn't be any desire or need for other connections. Really, I'm probably just monogamous, but haven't found the right partner yet, and obviously, I must not really be into S if I still have D in my life, or vice versa, right?

Pshaw! Each person I have found value sufficient value in as an individual to form a significant relationship with is enough, in and of themselves, to be worth including in my life. That I'm missing D doesn't mean that S isn't meeting my needs in our relationship, nor does it make me a greedy woman who is never satisfied. It simply means that I see each of these connections as valuable in their own right, and feel that absence when I haven't been able to touch-in the way I'd like for a while.

One of the ways this seems to impact other poly folks is the sense of inadequacy that can flare up, particularly when one's partner is starting a new relationship. "If I were younger/prettier/thinner/more buff/better endowed/smarter/funnier etc, then Partner X would be happy with just me/us." With the rush of NRE, sometimes things fall through the cracks, and people forget to overtly value their existing partner(s) when they would benefit most from the reinforcement.

What's worked best for me has been when partners reiterate the things they enjoy about our connection, or me as a person in a "this reminds me of how much I love this about you" sort of way. To ramp up the considerate gestures, thoughtful embraces, and spend time together when there are other factors pulling attention takes some effort, but is well worth the energy.

S, you are enough. You are a wonderful partner, and I cherish sharing my life with you. D, you fill a unique spot in my heart, and I value who you are, and the relationship we enjoy together.

Social Experiments

2011-04-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

For several months now my daughter (age 9) has been asking more questions about my choice to be poly in my relationship style. Particularly given the transitions in her family in the past year, that seems pretty reasonable. I try to answer her questions to the best of my ability, as fully as possible, but one of the things I haven't been able to do justice to is the idea of "community" that I value within our local poly scene. Even with the people that I don't have direct relationships with, there is a sense with many of extended family, others that are in your corner, friendship, respect, interest and participation. It's very akin to what I had with cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents growing up, except I've seen a lot more of the community folks naked. ;)

Not being geographically, philosophically, religiously, or politically in proximity to my "real" family for many years, I've grown to really value the people that are part of my poly-sphere. This is something my daughter hasn't fully connected with yet, largely because the community is a bit more adult-flavored in general, and she's not included in most of the time I spend in community events. It occurred to me that it might also be the case for other parents in the area. Further, we could extend that circle of incomprehension to the co-workers, friends and family we are out to, who know we're poly, but don't "get" the benefits we enjoy by doing geeky things like discussion groups and meet ups with other poly folks.

How to increase the connection between our spheres? That's the question I've been struggling with, and decided to do something a bit different for the upcoming discussion group I host locally. This month we're having an open forum potluck that anyone of any age, poly or not, is welcome to attend. The objective to mix and mingle. Demystify this whole "poly thing" for those who we are out to, but don't self-identify with poly, and yet remain important in our lives. We have someone facilitating a conversation with the kids, so they can formulate questions for the group, as well as a question box for adults to submit anonymously to.

At this point I have no clue how this is going to go, but I am hopeful that at least we'll be able to pull together a decent meal, enjoy some conversation, and not exclude anyone from the table. My community is important to me, and deserves to be out of the closet, not just as an amorphous concept, but as the unique individuals it's comprised of.

So, here's my blatant plug- If you're local to the Portland/Vancouver area please come. Bring others important in your life along. Approval isn't the goal. Reducing ignorance is. Information and transparency are the most valuable weapons in the struggle for acceptance for those in poly relationships. Let's share!

Beauty

2011-03-06T10:51:00.000-08:00

How I look, and the state of my health and well-being, are factors that impact my on-going relationships, and enhance or restrict opportunities to form new connections.

That sentence took some work to bang out, mostly because I wish that it wasn't true. In my ideal world, appearance wouldn't be a factor in attraction, and everyone would be willing to put in whatever it took to support the physical challenges, or gifts, of their partners. In fact, I'm picking this post up again after a couple weeks of mulling on it. Apparently, I have some push-back emotionally on this topic. My feelings about it are rooted in personal experiences that were seldom consistent, and often painful.

I was a late bloomer. Never had a date that was willing to be seen with me in public during high school. Glasses, tall, braces, overweight, bad skin, bad hair, the works! Things improved. Then I got married just prior to my 20th birthday, and spent the next several years in a protective bubble. Due to the impacts of hormonal birth control, I put on weight again, about 130 pounds worth, then got pregnant. Around that point, the switch flipped. We opened up our relationship.

To say I was a bit apprehensive would be an understatement. What if we did this thing, and I was a millstone around the neck of my partner? What if no one was interested in me? Fortunately, the pregnancy had a positive impact on my body, like hitting the reset button. The extra weight started coming off, and I was in massive learning mode about this new relationship style that we had decided to try out. My former long-distance partner and I met online, and the safety of the screen helped me feel more comfortable. After all, this was someone that was getting to know the real me, and not just going off of first impressions of my body. That relationship was really helpful, pushing me outside my comfort zones on emotional and physical levels.

Cut to 10 years later: Dating someone who defines "physical attractiveness" (as defined by society at large) as a significant factor in their partner selection criteria is really uncomfortable for me. Ironically, S does have a set of physical parameters he enjoys, which can squick me at times. Fortunately, they aren't ones that are particularly conventional, or hard and fast rules. For example, I've seen him make exceptions about dating other taller women as well, and women with non-preferred hair, body shape etc, so while they might be preferences, they're ones that are flexible with other facets of attraction.

Typically, I don't date those who are conventionally attractive, and still have a big story in my head about adversity regarding physical attractiveness building character; character that must be lacking in those who have been blessed with conforming genetics. If someone tells me they really enjoyed their high school years, for example, I tend to write them off. They haven't suffered enough persecution to understand me, or my life experiences. This belief is limiting, a personal standard that I am not proud of, and something I continue to work on.

When I find someone that I'm attracted to mentally and emotionally, I find things about them to be physically attracted to. Without a mental and emotional connection, a beautiful face or body is a pleasing aesthetic devoid of attraction for me. I want a similar approach from partners. As I age, and regardless of my shape, I want to be seen as attractive based on who I am, and I want to consistently apply that same standard to others.

Boil it down!

2011-02-27T18:17:00.000-08:00

There's a trend I've notice within the poly community, also commonly seen within the mono world. The majority of drama seems to originate from people getting overly vested in relationships early on, feeling very hurt and upset when partner selection hasn't been optimal, then seeking outside validation for their feelings, and more key, their actions in response.

Put me first in line to admit that when things don't go my way, I get upset. When it involves another person I care about, my Momma Bear comes out, and I usually feel vested in protecting them, even from the fallout of their own choices. How useful is that? Not so much!

What I'm finding helpful at this point, is to look at things in the most essential components. Let's say I got into a dating connection with someone, then find out a few dates in that there is an essential piece of compatibility missing that is going to put this into the non-starter camp. Now, I could spend a bunch of time and energy being upset that this isn't going to go, because that is disappointing, almost in the same way that being rejected would be. However, when it comes down to the bottom line: I dated someone. In that exploratory process, it began to look like a no-go, so we have a conversation about that, thank each other for the time spent, and move forward with a minimum of hurt feelings.

Where I see this process go sour in most poly situations is that outside influences (read: other partners) are often seen as a contributing factor in the no-go. For me, this isn't any different really than any other base incompatibility. "Hey, I really like what you have to offer, but don't think I fit well within your existing structure.". Yes, I blaspheme! Why should existing partners have any impact on future partner choices? Because they do, or you like to live in a compartmentalized world where there is no contact between the moving parts in your life.

On to the next big challenge: People seem to expect that, just because they are interested in forming a relationship with someone, that it's reciprocated. This one has put me in hair-pulling mode more than once, on both sides of the equation. It completely sucks when someone is either just not that into you, or panting to do whatever it takes, if only they can be with you! It is uncomfortable and/or painful for everyone involved. What did the more-vested person do wrong? Nothing. Their feelings just clicked in too hard, too fast. What did the less-vested person do wrong? Nothing. They just didn't get on board the train. Yet, time and time again, it is seen as a blame issue that must be apportioned fault.

Try this on for size: "I'm sorry, but my feelings for you just aren't at that level.". Keep it simple, and remain compassionate. Stay aware that you aren't obligated to fall in love with someone, regardless of how much you respect them, enjoy their company, like having sex with them, or how passionately in love with you they have become.

When the swirling winds of emotion threaten to overwhelm the good sense I try to retain, I just boil the situation down to the simplest factors. Often, this creates a different level of clarity, perspective and understanding of the other views represented. It's well-worth the time and energy spent to detach from a desired outcome. Sometimes, a situation you viewed as extremely personal becomes much less scary or hurtful when you take the time to distill it to essential components. Remember, sometimes a sausage is just a sausage!

Weddings, Marriage, and Poly.

2011-02-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

The cat is out of the bag: S and I have decided to tie the knot this summer! It's been a very interesting process getting to this point, and then also noticing the responses that others have to the news. It isn't that the opinions of others impact our decision, but it's still intriguing...

D was overtly pleased, and seems to feel this is a good choice for me. My prospective in-laws are pleased that they have something convenient to call me, after years of trying to figure out a title. My ex-mother-in-law (or as I now consider her, my mother-in-love), was supportive and concerned about potential impact on her grandchild. PG was pleasant and kind. Business associates were a bit surprised, but overall positive. My parents were less than excited, largely because they filter things through the lens of their own values and life experiences, and it seems precipitous to them to marry again within a year of the formalization of the divorce. My main concern was how this might impact the kiddo, who's been struggling with the transition of having two households.

I had some apprehension opening up that conversation, but it went quite smoothly! My daughter wanted to talk about what will happen with my name, and have input on that decision. She was also concerned about securing a pretty dress, a fancy cake, and some punch that isn't carbonated for the party after the legal stuff is completed. She wanted to make sure that no parents were going away, that S is looking to be my spouse, and not her dad. In some way, it seemed to be reassuring, since our household would look more "normal", and she'd have an easy way to describe people in her home that's readily recognizable to her peers.

We announced the upcoming nuptials at one of the local poly discussion groups last night, and had a nice warm response. It seemed a bit puzzling to some folks though, as formal marriage seems to have a semi-bad rap among the poly crowd in general. Why would we want to do this? Why not just keep things informal?

There are many answers for that question for me. High on the list are the significant legal and financial protections, rights, privileges and responsibilities marriage brings that, although they can largely be arranged through other legal channels, are much more expedient and inexpensive to line up through marriage. It shows our intention on the importance and priority of the loving connection we share. When it comes down to it, I like being married, having a spouse, and being a wife, and S is a wonderful partner to share those things with. The social and cultural reinforcement doesn't hurt either. For me, it would be better to expand out who can have these benefits, rather than opt out entirely because the institution doesn't look precisely as I would like it to.

Becoming married this time doesn't feel exclusive. I think that, having been poly the entire duration of our relationship, it's easier to continue that way, without needing to unlearn proprietary behaviours. We are still looking to take a hiatus on adding in new factors at this point, but are still staying socially engaged. I look forward to our next adventures and growth together. Thank you, S, for saying "yes"!

Pausing

2011-02-13T16:30:00.001-08:00

There have been several points in my journey as a poly person where it has seemed like a good idea to take a break, pause, catch my breath, stay focused on what is, and not reach for what may be. Often, I've ignored that idea in pursuit of the ideal of being able to handle everything all at once. Is it that I dislike saying no to others (and myself!), or admitting that maybe I don't have the capacity to handle "just one more" relationship? Perhaps that I'm not poly enough to be infinitely loving in the face of practical concerns? All of the above seems likely.

This time, I'm hitting the pause button. It's going to stay active for a while. There is already so much happiness and richness in my life, with my daughter, S and D, my business, the dogs, holding the group discussion, and nurturing the friendships that are part of my community connections. There is no need to hold the door open for more. I'm still sad over the loss of the relationship with PG, even with over a year of processing, and the divorce has negatively impacted our daughter, even with all the care we've taken to maintain a positive environment. In order to help her heal, I need to take a step back from the immersion in my personal growth, and sink into parenting for a while.

If you have stories to share about how your kids have dealt with breakups inside of poly relationships, mostly between their parents, but also with other beloved adult figures, it would be a great time to share that wisdom with me. We could really use it.

STI's, Logic and Emotion.

2011-02-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

There's a huge on-going debate in many discussion fora regarding the topics of STI's, barrier usage, safer-sex practices, and how to approach this within poly relationships. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not an expert in STI's, transmission rates for various microbes, likely vectors, and how effective/ineffective barrier usage is in preventing the "sharing" of more than orgasms. I haven't spent hours and hours researching the topic, nor do I whip out statistics to justify or defend my own position on my choices, or the requests I make to my partners regarding safer sex practices.

For me, the idea of making sexual choices about "acceptable risk" as weighted against potential pleasure doesn't get all the way to my decision-making center. It isn't as simple as saying, "Well, my odds of getting an STI from sharing a few orgasms with this person are lower than my odds of getting mowed down by a drunk driver while getting my mail. That seems reasonable, so let's run with it!"

There is certainly a component that is about acceptable physical risk, but, being poly, that doesn't hit me where I live. If I, or my partner, is going to have sex with someone who has an STI, having an emotional context to frame that in feels important to me. Example: Let's say that I'm interested in being physical with someone that has HSV-2. For me, it makes more sense to keep the physical interactions confined to the realm of pleasurable activities that don't involve significant risk of exchange of bodily fluids unless there is potential for an on-going relationship. At that point, the admittedly low-level of risk for transmission can be assessed. All the related parties get to (are requested to) have a conversation about what that might look like, and see if there is sufficient consensus to move forward.

Yep, I don't make the call just for me and let everyone else deal. There are people that are already part of my life, and I prioritize those relationships (dare I say privilege?) more highly than potential connections or pleasure. That doesn't work for everyone, and there is certainly a very honest and morally conscious segment of the poly community that this wouldn't work for. Many prefer to approach sexual behavior from the perspective of each person being responsible for their own sexual health and risk setting. For me, that's a bit antithetical to having a family approach to poly. I remain very sex and pleasure positive. I just choose to empower my existing partners to have input in my sexual decisions, because my decisions impact them.

Each of my partners gets a head's up and opportunity to weigh in on their preferences in advance of any interaction that would have potential to bring slippery bits into proximity. Let's say I'm going to a party where there is some possibility for raucous libidinous excesses; if they have input on how that needs to look for their sense of safety to be maintained, we hash that out before anything happens. If we haven't talked about it, and an opportunity arises, I keep my pants on and my mouth closed. Do I miss out on some possibilities? Sure, but if someone doesn't want to wait long enough for me to go through proper channels and get consensus from my existing partners before boffing, they really aren't my cup of tea anyways.

It isn't all about me. That's a huge part of being poly they way I choose to do it. My partners get to have more input in my decisions than whether they want to use barriers to protect themselves from the potential risks my choices bring to the table. Yes, that means that I choose to curtail my personal freedom at times. That's not being controlled by others. It's choosing to be self-controlled.

Family as a Construct

2011-01-23T10:49:00.001-08:00

Family. Ask a hundred people, and a significant portion will tell you that it's the most important thing in their life. The top priority that they work to support and maintain. I'm firmly in the "Family is Important" camp, although most of my family doesn't share much genetic material with me.

Having gone through a great many changes in the past couple of years, my "family" has also shifted over this time. PG (aka META whetstone) and I are no longer married romantic partners, and are investigating what it means to continue to be important in each other's lives, to be family on some level. S and I keep moving in the direction of growth and integration on a deeper level, and that dynamic is one of the things that feeds me. D and I are finding more ground to share, and staying firmly pointed in the direction of long-term connection and adding value to each other's lives.

Our daughter is a huge focus at the moment. She is struggling with the changes in her family landscape, and we are all trying to help her sort through things. I feel empowered and supported by having so many loving and caring people that are ready and willing to plug in to help her find her way, even as I strive to bring better patience, skills and understanding to the table. My now-ex mother-in-law is someone that's been a parent to me since I was 18, and however the paperwork looks, she and I still have a strong family bond that will continue forward.

The bio family is sort of a non-factor most of the time. They live far away, and are very different people, so the main function they have in my life is to be extended family as possible with our daughter. They moved away when I was about 20 years old, so haven't really been important in my adult life.

Then there's the poly community! These people are like my cousins, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles. They provide a broader context for my family construct. Filling in the gaps and creating space that I wouldn't otherwise have access to in my life.

One of the strengths of poly is the opportunity to reinvent the concept of family in a broader context. Don't limit yourself to the genetic pool you crawled from! Family is where you find it, build it, create it.

Privilege

2011-01-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

Privilege: A right, immunity, or benefit enjoyed only by a person beyond the advantages of most.

This word is bandied about pretty regularly in poly circles. Endlessly debated, as though it is a bad thing in all circumstances. I have reached saturation with it. Being so tired of it, here are some of my thoughts regarding this oh-so-loaded word! ;)

Gender, spirituality, level of experience, ethnicity, body size, height, sexuality, marital status, age, introversion/extroversion, disabled, mentally diagnosed in some way, sex positive/negative, employed/unemployed/self-employed, dominant/submissive, kinky/vanilla, poly/mono. The list of things that we are supposedly privileged by is extensive, and seems to grow directly in proportion to how much someone is outside societal norms.

There are a great many of these things that are unchangeable, not chosen. That is the arena in which it seems very reasonable to make some noise about changing and have some righteous indignation about. The ones that are chosen behaviors in some ways? Do your thing, be unapologetic about it, educate others, and be prepared for some resistance.

I'm a person that chooses to be poly. Yes, on many levels I consider that to be more hard-wired than not, but I lived mono for many years quite successfully, and it was a conscious decision on my part to divert from that societally privileged state and be authentically who I am. Yes, I live in the Pacific Northwest, where poly isn't so odd. While an eyebrow may be cocked, and there are potential repercussions, I don't live in fear of being exposed. Some will see that as coming from a position of privilege. I tend to see it more as setting up my life so that it works pretty well, despite opting to do and be many things that are quite a bit outside the box.

No, it wasn't easy. Yes, I've paid significant prices for my choices. People that choose to live inside the boxes have prices they pay for their privilege as well, ones that I am unwilling to pay. The folks that spend inordinate amounts of time whinging about how they, or others that they see, are oppressed by the establishment wouldn't choose to be a part of it if they had a graven invitation.

Yes, it is important for each of us to push for changes that are personally valuable and desired. Just remember that societal norms are a moving target, and acknowledge the progress we've already made, rather than complaining that it isn't yet perfect. The 'edge' of today is the 'old hat' of tomorrow. Transformation on a broader level comes from people doing things that aren't easily accepted, and making them a working example to those who lack their perspective and experiences. Remedying ignorance, not railing about privilege, is really where the fight will be won. When more people know and understand healthy, functioning families that happen to be poly, the fear that excludes us from privileges diminishes.

How can you show someone who you are in a way that expands their mind? Who can you reach out to, in some small way, to dispel an irrational fear? Create a new attitude in each person whose life you touch by being who you are without apology or trepidation. I am privileged to be living my life on my terms, and no individual or societal expectation can change that unless I allow it.

Stability.

2011-01-03T07:59:00.000-08:00

Over the winter break, I was playing Jenga with my daughter and partners. It's a game where pieces are taken from the lower levels, then stacked on top. One pulls out pieces that aren't (hopefully!) structurally integral, adding them to the upper level, until the entire tower collapses, ending the game. Seeing the sway of the blocks, I considered the value of stability.

When I think of all the things I want in life, stability makes my top ten for sure! Some may find that odd in a poly context. After all, isn't it more likely for drama to be a part of things when you have more than one partner? Eh, I haven't found that to be the case. It's the individuals that comprise the whole that contribute to a stable system, or create one that is in a consistent state of uncomfortable flux.

Considering my current relationships, I enjoy the sense of dynamic growth, how each piece reinforces, rather than tears down, the others. When one section is struggling, having a strong whole means that the entire structure doesn't fall apart. There is room for "additions" to the structure, and I try to remain aware of how each new piece impacts the whole by taking care that additions enhance, rather than detract, from the overall stability of the relationships I value.

Any structure is only as solid as the materials that go into it, so partner selection and personal growth continue to be major strategies in building a robust, deeply-rooted network. Who I am, and who I choose to be with, are within my sphere of control. Selecting skills to cultivate, understanding my own participation in desirable/undesirable outcomes, and seeing partners for who they are, instead of who I would like them to be, are key to good material selection.

There have been some major remodeling projects in 2010. 2011 is focused on strong foundational elements, creating multiple points of support and reinforcement that will positively contribute to stability in the years to come. It's an exciting time, and I anticipate helping create an amazing "tower" that I share with my partners, one level firmly seated upon the next.

Poly meets Kink!

2010-12-28T10:23:00.000-08:00

There is a noticeable tendency towards poly folk also identifying with some sort of additional type of "alternative lifestyle". One of the more commonly seen ones is kink/bdsm. It's been something that I've gradually delved into myself over the past several years, and find to be an element of my relationships that enhances the overall structures.

There can be a point of concern when the egalitarian poly outlook bumps up against the Dominance/submission element within a relationship that is both poly and kinky. S and I are both pretty switchy, so we just sort of pass the baton around on a physical level, and keep the relationship dynamics piece pretty neutral. D and I, on the other hand, have a pretty strong element of D/s in addition to sadomasochism, and poly.

This has all been going rather swimmingly, with only a few minor twitches where shifting from a role of Dominance/submission into being a self-advocating partner seemed a bit clunky for either D or I. In fact, the smoothness of those transitions led me to a place of feeling quite comfortable deepening that dynamic, so I recently "collared" D as my submissive. That wasn't something lightly undertaken by either of us, and one of the key conversations surrounding that choice was how/what differences might be seen within our poly framework by me stepping more fully into a role of Dominance, and he into one of submission to me.

What it boiled down to for us was that D/s doesn't replace agency and self-determination. I can be in charge, and still require D to participate fully in the relationship dynamic as a responsible partner. Part of his submission to me involves looking towards the well-being of the relationship as a whole. Submission isn't a license to put all the responsibility for making things go on my shoulders. For me, being at the wheel doesn't mean that a navigator isn't useful in getting to mutually agreed-upon destinations, or that I get to ignore it when my navigator lets me know that the road ahead is likely to be bumpy, it just means I get to pick the route that seems best, and if I flub things up, it's incumbent on me to get things back onto a useful track.

Poly and kink can coexist quite comfortably, as long as no one is abdicating responsibility towards themselves, or to the relationship as a whole. If something were to come up that was a significant sticking point, D and I agreed to have the poly model as the fallback position for conflict resolution. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy the reality of an eager, responsive sub that is choosing to be at my disposal as required, and all the responsibilities and satisfactions that go along with that, as well as valuing a loved poly partner!

Fears

2010-12-19T08:25:00.000-08:00

Someone recently asked me what my fears were around being poly, and it's taking a bit of time to get to the bottom of that barrel. How many of us really enjoy looking into the face of personal fear, right? As a matter of fact, it feels pretty vulnerable to expose the things that I fear to the public, even if it's the virtual public, but still worth doing. I'll pull in some that aren't personal fears as well, just to round it out a bit. ;)

Fear of being left- Check! Done that one, and still working through all the ramifications of those transitions in my life. While it's not exclusive to poly, life is a numbers game, and if you have more partners, chances are good that at some point, someone is going to opt out. Does the world end? No, but it can sure feel that way at times.

Fear of being open- Check! When there is pain from a variety of sources, extreme stresses, it may seem like a better idea to batten down the hatches and keep your cards close to your vest. If I'm closed-off, there is no way for anyone to become close, or stay intimate though. This can be a compounding fear. When no one can get close, it's the same functionally as pushing people away, and they leave. Staying open in the face of fear is one of the biggest drains on personal courage I have experienced.

Fear of not being picked- Check! We're out there reaching for someone, and they don't reach back. Hard. It gets harder when they reach towards someone else instead. Why not me? It brings up all those childhood issues about being picked up for teams, and being the last one standing. This is something regularly dramatized in popular culture: Kids lined up on a playground: the hopeful look fading to desperation, then desolation, and often self-loathing. What it comes down to is that I can't control the desires of others, and need to stay resilient, not putting many eggs into a particular basket until it looks like reciprocation is likely.

Fear of rejection- Check! This is a little different than being left, happening earlier in the course of a relationship. Someone gets to know you, things start to move into the direction of importance, and then, they hit on something that doesn't work for them, and opt out. At this point, it really is me, or at least me bumping up against them. It's a big world out there, and a lot of options to explore. Not everyone is going to like my chips. A few will sample and move on. Others will come back for a steady diet. The chips are still quality, but some aren't fans of salt 'n vinegar. ;)

Fear of being wrong- Check! The adjunct of this one is "fear of making a fool of myself". There are so many opportunities for miscommunication, sometimes leading to poor decision-making, deciding to go farther out on a limb emotionally than there is tree to support, to set down a "rule" and then find it does the opposite of the intent, to have the "stupid pink fuzzies" of NRE so severely that it damages existing relationships, to have baggage from the past cloud future perspective, and a host of other exciting possibilities that are often blundered into without awareness.

For this one, I just flat out accept that I WILL MAKE MISTAKES. I WILL BE WRONG! Some of those mistakes won't be recoverable either. I regularly practice apologizing to others, and try to be clear with my partners that I don't have all the answers, that I mess up, and to encourage them to call me on it when something seems off, preferably before it's a significant problem.

Fear of taking too much on- Check! I strive to give quality to each and every person that is important in my life, and there have been times where I've bitten off more than I could comfortably chew, to the detriment of myself, my family, my business, and/or a partner. Getting to know my bandwidth has been a process of trial and error. There have been times where I've had to back away from a connection that seemed promising because there wasn't anything else that I was willing to take time or energy away from. As life circumstances change, bandwidth adjusts, so this is an on-going project, to be aware of what I have to give.

Fear of being too shiny- Check! There are times where I've entered a relationship with someone, and they are significantly more "into" me than the inverse. This creates an imbalance in power that feels really uncomfortable to me. Assessing how well someone manages relationship expectations is part of my screening process now, as is communicating how deeply emotionally interested I am. If there is pressure to always give more than I have time or desire to invest, it's a big red flag for me.

Well, that's a starting point, but certainly not a comprehensive list! What are some of the fears that you've bumped up against in your exploration of poly?

Apply Yourself!

2010-12-15T19:45:00.001-08:00

Being a couple of business peeps, S and I often spend time drawing parallels between business and relationship models. Scintillating, no? ;) D and I were also tossing some ideas around in this vein, so, without further ado, let us flesh them out a bit!

This most recent round of ideas was spurred by an online conversation about the concept of age limits, and how it plays into dating. Specifically, having a "floor", age-wise on how low you (or your partner) will date. The easy answers are that people are all different, so just take it on a case by case basis, or that setting an arbitrary number seems like a fine idea; but that would be a really short post, so let's dig deeper, shall we?

Here's where the business analogy comes in handy: Let's say you are applying for a position at a company that requires a particular set of skills to be able to capably perform the required tasks:

You lack the skills, you aren't producing the needed results to maintain your employment, and you get fired/downsized/let go.

You're looking at applying for a job that is simply way below your qualification level, the concern employers have is that you will get bored, and move on to a different position with higher pay in short order, wasting their time and training funds.

You apply for a job that has specialized skills that are taught by the employer. Even in this scenario, there are personality traits that are desired, and a high investment on the part of the employer in bringing the employee up to speed.

You find your DREAM JOB! This is something you've trained and educated yourself to do for years! You feel competent, well-compensated, and satisfied for the time and effort you put in on behalf of your employer.

Does this apply to age? Perhaps. There are quite a few sets of skills that I would like a potential new partner to have, and some of them are very unlikely to be found in a person under a particular threshold of age. An example of this is that I prefer to date people who have at least 5 contiguous years of relationship experience with a single partner. Just having some years on you isn't any guarantee that those skills have been acquired though, so the screening process still needs to allow for people with exceptions on each side.

Let's say that I connect with someone with vastly more experience, or much broader relationship desires than I have previously explored. I need to consider that this may not be a good match in "employment expectations", or that I will need to do a high level of on the job training to catch up to the more experienced partner. If I am still able to bring the qualities that someone is looking for to the table, it may be worth their investment in bringing me up to speed.

Sometimes, in the process of dating, I meet someone who is darned appealing, but their current skills don't line up with my employment requirements, or they don't have the qualities that would help bring that in closer alignment. Perhaps I make an educated guess that the learning curve there is going to be slower than I would have the ability to accommodate, and keep the door open for a return in a few years, if they've acquired the desired skills in the interim. Basically, I keep their resume on file. ;) People have surprised me by their willingness to dig in and grow, and those are cases where I really like being wrong!

To be very clear, I consider each partner potential partner in a relationship to be considering "employing" the other. This isn't a case of one person holding all the cards or power by being in charge.

Having a checklist for a potential partner to fill isn't the goal, but having clarity on what makes relationships work well for you, and being able to recognize those skills and qualities in others is crucial. It isn't a value judgement to decline a relationship opportunity that doesn't suit your needs, it's a recognition that, even when you really like someone, you may not be a good partner-match.

Glorifying Romance

2010-11-28T08:56:00.000-08:00

Ah...romantic love! It can be sweet, intoxicating, overwhelming, confusing, scary, exhilarating, enticing, comforting and so much more. Most of us have grown up in cultures that romanticize the glories of romance. Being "in love" with another person has been cited as the motivating factor in everything from war, abuse, and obsession, to being in unsuitable relationships, The Morally Correct Reason to be sexual with someone, and martyring oneself to another.

Now, reading that last couple sentences, you may be under the impression that I'm not a fan of romantic love. Quite the inverse! I write notes, send flowers, stop off to snag that special something for that special someone(s), cook favorite dishes, stare into eyes, dress in ways that may not be my particular favorites (but really do it for my SOs!), take care of the ill, give soft kisses, share music, and touch and caress with conscious intent to appreciate fully the person I am with. Where the cultural norms and I part ways on the topic of romantic love is when hurtful behaviors and negative judgments about the choices others make ensue. In short, I don't think romance is a good reason to abandon logic and trot about leaving a wake of destruction.

Romantic love doesn't make a relationship that isn't supportive of your objectives in life into a good partner choice. A lack of romantic love doesn't make a sexual or relationship connection with another person into a poor choice. As poly people, we run up against the myth of "The One" person who we fall madly in love with, and live happily ever after pretty consistently. If romantic love is the main basis for partner selection, is it any wonder that so many relationships, mono or poly, explode in a blaze of glory?

Certainly, it seems very helpful to a long-term, stable, healthy relationships to involve an element of romance. Romance can provide motivation to put in the time and effort to create that environment. It feels good to have those fizzy hormones in the early days. Frankly though, I've found it much more useful to have developed the skill to sustain and recreate romantic feelings for myself over time in my longer-term relationships. How many times have you heard someone say something that boiled down to, "I just don't feel like I'm in love with partner x anymore, so I'm moving on to chase that feeling elsewhere."?

"Love is a choice." might be an oversimplification, but it has some level of validity. One of the ways that I am able to sustain and recreate romantic feelings as a poly person is by recognition of the choices that are available to me, and to my partners. We all have other options, other possibilities, and are still choosing to stay with one another. When I choose someone over and over again, and they also continue to choose me, it reinforces the romantic energy I have to put into that relationship.

Actions count, words count. If you feel warm and fuzzy, or hot and sexy, SAY SO! If you want to spark more romance in your current connection, treat it like a new relationship again. Put the time, energy and effort in that you would with the new shiny person into the old and linty one. Do the things you did when you were first dating. When's the last time you made a mixed cd to share? Got flowers just because? Watched a movie type that isn't your personal favorite because the pleasure of snuggling and spending time together is far more important to you than the personal entertainment involved?

Romance is a relationship tool, like communication skills. It can be used well, or poorly, and has no moral value to impart. In looking at romance more objectively, rather than elevating it to a mysterious feeling that is put in the driver's seat in our relationships, we can make stronger partner selection choices, including the ones we make in our existing partnerships.

Poly Fi...

2010-11-27T20:31:00.000-08:00

Do or die!

Not really. I'm just kidding with you. ;)

After the comment by anonymous in the previous post, I realized that polyfidelitous relationships are something that I haven't examined previously. For me, starting out with an LDR for many years, polyfi wasn't terribly practical. The physically separate nature of that relationship for many months at a time didn't lend itself well to sexual or emotional exclusivity, even with more than one person. So, let's go take a peek at an option that I passed up years ago, not considering it feasible at the time.

There's a broad spectrum of relationship styles that exemplify the term "polyamory". On one end of the scale, we have people whose relationships are more compartmentalized, sexually and emotionally unregulated, "free agent poly". On the other end of that range you'll find polyfi. Some have referred to it as "mono plus one", as the most frequently observed configuration is three people, typically a couple that has absorbed a third person, who have agreed to be sexually and emotionally exclusive within that triad. Mono plus one is often said in a disparaging manner.

For me, it's simply another choice available to those of us looking at relationships that fall outside the norms. One of the main concerns that people often have about poly relationships is how to keep things simple, stable and safe. While polyfi certainly doesn't guarantee any of those things, it can be a way to manage worries about uncomfortable complexity in wider networks.

I've seen more polyfi folks with school age children. I may be drawing an erroneous connection here, but I can see where someone may hypothesize that polyfi would likely produce a higher level of predictability and family stability. That can seem very attractive to a parent that wants to protect their child(ren) from experiencing shifts in family composition on a semi-regular basis.

Another oft touted reason for choosing polyfi is to minimize STI risks by keeping the number of people that are "in the pool" very limited. I have no clue if there is any actual statistical data to back the effectiveness of this idea up, but understand the logic of the idea. An off-shoot of this is to assure that any children conceived are the biological issue of the family members.

Detractors of polyfi have said that it contains a level of ownership and control of one's partner(s) that is undesirable, that the 3rd partner brought in is seldom an "equal" in the dynamic with the pre-existing couple, or that they are actively hostile to those of us with less structured poly models. To my way of thinking, it's really only the last one that concerns me directly. The first two are good partner selection criteria that those opting into a polyfi situation should be aware of and screen for to the level of their comfort.

For those who think that their way of doing poly is the OTW (One True Way), I'd encourage an examination of the issues this has caused within religious communities throughout history. We all have our path to follow, and sometimes, we may even switch camps. The thing I think we can all get behind is supporting informed, consensual, healthy relationships, regardless of the configuration they are executed within.

Sex Positive

2010-11-21T20:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday S and I hosted an event. For many years, it's been a lament of mine that, not being a night-owl, I often would miss out, or not be terribly conscious/well-functioning by the time most sexual or kink themed parties were getting rolling. Why was it, I wondered, that so many people that self-identify as "sex positive" still seemed to wait until the wee hours of the morning to enjoy being sexual or kinky with others in public? So, considering my utter ineptitude with "wee hours of the morning" play, I decided to create an opportunity to explore sharing sexual space during the very kinky daylight hours. It was duly dubbed the "Afternoon Delight" party.

Something I've noticed over the years is that, while most of the poly folk I've met would consider themselves sex positive, there are still elements of judgment, real or imagined, about playing (for the purposes of this post, let's define play as sexual or kink activity involving others) with someone you lack a relationship or dating connection with. Does it just seem too close to swinging? There seems to be more lurking in the background. Almost a sense that sharing physical intimacy in a less relationship-oriented context diminishes our polyness. Is it possible to be sex positive in a more casual sense, and remain relationship oriented?

So I sent out the invitations to my guest list. Most were poly community members that I have friendships with, but not relationship energy. Some I've seen at public events before, and knew they'd be quite comfortable. Some, this was going to push some boundaries if they chose to attend. In the week leading up to the event, I found myself fielding inquiries from potential guests. Some were anxious about the public nature of the play. A few wanted to be sure that their kinks, sexual orientation, or being overtly sexual was going to be okay. Several were concerned that this was going to be like a high school dance with everyone sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone else to make the first move.

For myself, I was seeking a catharsis. This was a way to let go of some emotional pain through pleasure, through trust, through connection. I wanted to open myself up, intentionally and mindfully, to my community in a very real, physical and tangible way. It felt pretty vulnerable, but I felt relatively sure that my friends wouldn't leave me dangling in the wind with a flop on my hands!

Sure enough, we came through with flying colors! Our home was blessed by an amazing collection of people, most I knew, but some new faces, and we all started off by sharing what we wanted for ourselves during the event. People were honest and clear. Some with trepidations or boundaries, some with desires, many with offers to help others achieve what they wanted. It was a very promising start, and from there we took off!

Our main living room was floor to floor with mattresses that people helped to bring over. We had two violet wands, side by side sybians, a sex swing, gorgeous attire, many toys, floggers, sensual aids, games, food and beverages. Most were things people donated for the event to help create a festive atmosphere. We had a significant range of ages, orientations, genders, vanilla and kinked. People participated, and it seemed to create a sense of ownership in the activities they chose to enjoy, and the event as a whole.

I was privileged to witness some really beautiful play, even more so to participate in quite a bit myself, and observe my partners enjoying themselves with me, and with others. Without getting into the nitty-gritty details, it was fucking HOT, and had we recorded things, I could make a tidy sum off of the dvds. ;)

Almost everyone participated directly in something, including people that were pretty hesitant at the beginning of the event. The daytime idea was well-received, and will be repeated. This poly/kink community let go, at least a little, of being overly concerned about "messing up friendships with sex". I feel closer to many people today than I did a couple days ago, that things are tighter knit in a good way.

Pleasure can be a tool for intimacy, not just within relationships, but within communities as well. In a poly world, relationship-level closeness doesn't always need to be the goal. Every so often, just feeling good, and sharing that with those you like is more than sufficient.

Brother Husbands

2010-11-14T19:25:00.000-08:00

Well... I mean, why not?

The success of TLC's Sister Wives has brought more polyamorous ideas to the mainstream. If you haven't seen it, this is a reality television show featuring a fundamentalist LDS guy with multiple wives and 16 kids living in Utah, and by the end the first season he'd taken on his fourth wife.

The show is kind of interesting because it does address complicated relationship problems in the form of group discussions. All of the parties are fairly open and well-spoken so that the conversation doesn't get dragged down by spirituality or dogma.

Instead, it paints a pretty compelling story of a bunch of poly-types committed to their lifestyle, open about their feelings, talking about what makes them happy, and just trying to make it in the world. It's fairly honest and includes a lot of on-screen processing by the family.

Now, I realize that a few readers out there already chomping-at-the-bit, eager to remind me that polygyny (one guy, multiple female partners) isn't polyamory and that anything that glorifies religious polygyny isn't commendable at all. Okay, point taken. Regardless, the show does put a positive spin on pluralism that seems to have reached mass-appeal, and I'm all about pluralism of any form being put forward for the public's consumption.

Besides, given the show's success, we're probably just a few seasons away from a polyamorous lifestyle reality show and that would give the public a model for contrasting polyamory and polygyny.

In particular, as the nature of their relationship would dictate and I'd hope that conversation would go, I think one thing that disturbs me about the husband is his complete distain for his wives having male relationships outside of him. It's one-penis-policy-extremism: he's viscerally offended by the idea and is just disgusted at the thought. "Ugh! My wives would be whoring!" Yet he seems to have no problems explaining nightly marital rotations to the camera. He's totally fine with sister wives. What throws him for a loop are brother husbands.

Brother husbands. PF and I have talked about what that'd look like, where she'd bring on more male partners. Myself, I don't have a problem with it and it seems only fair to transfer "ownership" away from the man to the woman in the course of the language. Why shouldn't a woman have her lot of men? Why can't matriarchy have its day? Perhaps the commanding nature of this language would shift the perception from "whoring" to something more constructive like "leading" or "fulfilling"?

Although I'd be first to admit it's mostly a power thing for me (hey, I dig powerful, confident women), this isn't a subby thing, group sex thing, or a homo-erotic thing, brother husbands. It's just a recognition of the fact that she's got multiples and is living out her own life to the fullest ... like the husband in Sister Wives. What's wrong with that? I say: bring on the husbands, brother!

Guys? Could you live with the Brother Husband thing? Women? Do you want Brother Husbands or does the idea just rub you the wrong way? What do you think of pluralism like this in the media?

s1m0n

Economic Disparity

2010-11-11T07:55:00.000-08:00

Whew! Last night was our monthly discussion group, and it was a very full house! We didn't have the time to explore more than a small fraction of the subtopics at hand, and my role as moderator looked a lot like conversational traffic cop. Such fun!

One of the side points in the discussion about partner selection criteria that seemed to pull up some intense feelings was regarding the way that varying economic factors can play into poly relationships. Even in mono settings, if one partner has significantly more resources monetarily than the other, it can create pressure and imbalance. One person can feel like they're "carrying" things, another can feel as though they are taking advantage. Deciding on how to pay for dates, outings, and other domestic factors takes on a different angle when one person's monetary resources greatly outstrip their partner(s) or metamours.

There have been a wide variety of ideas bandied about on how to manage finances in poly relationships, and I'm not interested in rehashing that here. What was of more interest to me was how some people in the group had strong feelings on how money impacted their relationships, and why.

I'll use myself as an example, as this has been an issue for me pretty much from the very beginning of my poly experience. I grew up in a family that was familiar with poverty. The joke I've made for years is that my parents are very highly educated poor people who choose to work in jobs that don't pay well at all. Frugality was a virtue, and we didn't do things we couldn't pay for, cash in hand. The vast majority of my clothes came from (still do!) second hand stores, and we clipped coupons, repaired things, and lived below the going standards for technology, vehicles, and entertainment. Credit cards were seldom employed, and only in emergency situations. Money was the root of all evil, and any excess went to those less fortunate.

Fast forward to my first multi-partner relationship: My long-distance partner, C, and I would travel to see each other 3-4 times a year. At the time, PG was going to school (on unemployment), and I had a nursing infant, along with a small business to run. C had more money than I did. It was offensive to my sense of independence, but, if I wanted to spend time with C, I needed to allow him to pay for the majority of expenses for our trips. My own family was barely scraping by, and expending resources for luxuries like travel, wasn't a viable option. It stuck in my craw, but it was worth swallowing my pride to spend time with him. Usually, at some point on a trip, I'd pay for some meal, small gift or something, just to feel as though I was contributing.

Advance to current day: S earns more than I do by a very significant margin. We own our house 50/50, and I put into the household account in that ratio. This is a stretch for me, but I want to keep that level of accountability within my domestic arena. When it comes time to go out or buy something extra for the household, I'm conscious of wondering how is the item/event at hand is going to be paid for. There have been times where I have opted out of a proposed plan because it exceeded my financial comfort zone, or I've offered another alternative that fit more in my budget. There have been times where S offers to pay, and I decide my pride is getting in the way of my relationship, and accept the generosity of my partner.

When I'm out with D, we usually alternate paying for things, but I try to pick up tabs a bit more often, as he's currently unemployed. I don't put them on the household account, because I don't want S to be subsidizing my dates with D. There are things that we'd like to do together that have been set aside for the moment, because some activities would require a higher level of financial cooperation than is currently possible. It's not a relationship issue, but it is an awareness level.

At times, we do community stuff, and that comes out of the household pot. Both S and I value community, and part of the way we value that is by participating in, and hosting gatherings. D often will come over early to help set things up, or assist with clean-up afterwards. We all participate at the level that we can, and that is sufficient.

For me, it's not what I buy with my partners that is important. It isn't the venue, the stuff, the travel, nor gifts. It's the time spent with, and feeling connected, to those I care for. Whenever I find myself getting a bit tweaked by the economic disparity in my life, I try to refocus on that. Money doesn't create happiness. It is simply a tool to be used as directed.

Wrong Woman!

2010-11-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

This is one of those "more about sex as it relates to poly" topics, so if that doesn't interest you, please click past this post. :)

One of the things that S and I have noticed in relationships with other women, was that it's kind of easy to get a bit mixed up in bed. Out in the mono world, one of the most heinous crimes that we are warned against is the use of the wrong person's name in physically intimate situations. Poly can take that up to a whole new level! This one was kind of more of an applied practical knowledge thing. What happens when you mix up the preferred sexual styles of your lovers, either when you're having couple time with one, or actually in bed with both?

Let's say Lover A enjoys a slow sensual touch, while Lover B is more a fan of firm and rapid, or that A goes ga-ga over light flicks of the tongue, while B is bored by that experience. Here you are, trying to be the best lover you possibly can to all your partners, but you get mixed up. It happened commonly enough that I started using a reminder phrase to help shift gears: "Wrong Woman!"

I fully think I got off easy on this one, as there are just some absolute differences between male and female bodies that make it a bit more contrasting to transition between lovers of different genders. I'm less likely to forget and play with nipples the same way in the absence of breasts. Unlikely to give cunnilingus instead of fellatio when there's a cock in my mouth. Alas, poor S wasn't quite as fortunate! Yeah, he was feeling the pain...

So, here we are in intimate space, either just the two of us, or with another lover, and suddenly, it becomes obvious that the way I am being touched isn't the way that S knows is most effective. In fact, he's doing something the way that flat does it for his other lover, but doesn't do much for me! Is this the time to have a conniption about my lover getting me mixed up with someone else? No way. This is the time for a gentle reminder that, while the effort is appreciated, this isn't the body you're looking for.

Most of us have experienced the phenomena of needing to do a bit of retraining when a new lover enters our lives. Learning new ways of touching, ones that specifically work for the person you are with, rather than what you imprinted on in the last relationship. When having more than one relationship/partner simultaneously, it gains a bit more gravitas.

This can get a bit more touchy (ha ha!) in group situations where you are literally pleasuring more than one person simultaneously. Sexual ambidexterity is something that takes a bit of practice, and some of us are not going to be as skilled as we'd like, so help from the partners in question can be really valuable when getting off (course).

Of course, this all goes back to basic communication, but it seems that many perfectly good communicators go all pre-verbal in bed. If needed, cut conversation down to simple words. Slower, faster, harder, deeper, stop! Do not, I repeat, do NOT just allow the opportunity to improve the situation pass you by out of reluctance to bruise someone's feelings. Any lover worth their salt would want to know that they've slid into a pattern that isn't working for you, because at that point, it isn't working for them either.

Be bold! Embrace the stern challenge before you of being an amazing, varied lover to all your partners, in the special ways that they enjoy as individuals. Not one of us is the same, and in the arms of our partners, we are loved uniquely.

Ponderings about Rule 58

2010-11-01T09:04:00.001-07:00

Reading through S's post on Rule 58, I realized just a comment wasn't going to get it done for me! Must... post...

I don't like the "R" word at this point in general. Rules. So, I'll be going with the more semantically comfortable "guide line" term! The idea that it might not be a good idea to go into a relationship where there is a lack of parity in available relationship resources is something I've toyed with for quite a while. I've gone down that road a number of times, and more often than not, it doesn't go well. On the other hand, experience would lead me to believe that there are things that can be put into place up front to make this a more successful option!

#1- Be clear up front what it is you have to offer another partner in terms of emotional energy, time, and priority. Be clear with yourself first, and check in with your existing partners to do a veracity check on your grasp of the facts.

#2- Once you are reasonable sure you have a grip on that, share that information with your potential partner without sugar-coating it. This is one of those things where it is better to under-promise and over-deliver than the inverse. Don't say you have 3 nights a week free if you really can only put a bi-weekly commitment on the table consistently. Don't make out like you'll have daily phone calls if it's more likely to look like an email every few days.

#3- Talk about it. Bunches. Preferably before you get all sexified and emotionally vested. This whole top section applies to any relationship you are looking to expand into, not just ones with people who don't currently have a "primary".

This is a step that D and I spent a lot of time on before we began dating, and I think it was well worth the effort. He doesn't currently have another partner, and I was concerned, based on past experiences, that it would create an imbalance and pressure that would be uncomfortable for both of us. He spent the time to assess if what I had to offer would be comfortable and valuable to him, even though it wouldn't be able to meet some of his basic relationship needs and goals. Moreover, I asked him to think about if this would still be true when he does find a "primary", as being a "place holder relationship" wasn't something that I wanted for myself either.

#4- Know that things will change. Yep, best laid plans and all that jazz. The most well-considered strategy only lasts as long as things stay the same, and precisely how often does that happen? About half-past never, that's how often!

S and I started out being a primary/secondary dyad, where I was already in a primary relationship, but he wasn't, then I found that I had the capacity to have that level of emotional investment and practical responsibility to more than one person, and that relationship expanded out into a live in situation with kids and the whole nine. That wasn't the plan. That was about 10 years ahead of the plan. I'm glad I ditched the plan.

I've been with people who lost their main relationship or job during the course of our connection, and it threw the entire balance off. When someone you have a weekly date with suddenly has a ton of free time and energy on their hands, it can be really tempting for them to transfer that time and energy to another existing relationship, but that bandwidth may not be available. The constant feeling of not being able to perform up to a partner's standards or needs will erode things pretty quickly, in my experience.

#5- In the interests of dating people who are better equipped to answer #2 and 3, choose potential partners that have experience in considering the practical side of relationships on an emotional and logistical level.

Have they been a "secondary" partner before? Some people really like this zone of relationship, where there is emotional and physical intimacy, but less practical entanglement, intimacy with a lower demand level. Some people really dislike having a ceiling on how much time they may have available with someone, or how many overnights, or needing to consider other scheduled dates, work events etc. Dating someone who knows with some level of assurance that having this type of relationship will be comfortable and happy for them is a big plus!

For me, a significant consideration is parenting. If someone doesn't have/hasn't had kids, that takes a whole other level of examination. Will this person be supportive of the idea that I spend a couple nights a week helping my daughter at the rink? That my goal is to be available to help her with homework every day? That if something changes with my childcare arrangements, our "date" might look a lot more like snuggling on the couch with her between us entertained by a placid PG movie that neither of us might choose to ever watch, rather than a raucous evening out/in doing things that are decidedly more adult in nature?

If everyone involved has relationship or life experiences that they can translate into practical skills, it will put you far ahead of the game in determining if a potential relationship is going to be a positive experience for all concerned before you even begin.

What are some of the things that you consider before moving into "unbalanced" relationships, either as the partner with a high degree of relationship resources, or the one who is less resourced? What has led to an unfavorable relationship outcome for you? What are some strategies for success that you've found useful? Share your valuable experience with the rest of us!

Rule Number 58

2010-10-31T19:37:00.000-07:00

In excess of eight months this year, PF and I were dating a fantastic woman. We all had a lot in common and shared a lot of great times.

Towards the end of the relationship, though, she wanted more time that I wasn't able to give her because of my commitments to PF and my work. She wanted something more in her life - something that would endure, around more, and be forward-looking to marriage - and that's not something either one of us could offer. Eventually, she did what was good for her.

I really can't blame her. But that's not going to stop me from over-analyzing it with you.

So here's what I think. The problem for secondaries is neutral buoyancy. They exist in a place where there's probably going to be little forward momentum. This is also a place where asking for too much may be perceived as a "cowboy"-maneuver (you know, a chic coming in and roping herself a new man). If you're seeing a secondary having already a primary relationship, you've already made commitments that preclude the secondary from becoming mondo-awesome - more. That commitment's a known fact, and everybody's in agreement to honor that commitment as to avoid strife and confusion.

So that's a trick: how do you maintain the spark in a vacuum?

In my experience with this, I think I have to come down to the "risk of the single secondary". Yep, this is one of my new rules now. And here it is.

Rule 58: Secondaries should always have a primary of their own.

Ta-da! Why?

Because they're committed to that, too, and they, too, can only offer neutral buoyancy. They have somebody to keep them warm at night when I'm not around; somebody to look forward with; somebody that can look after them; somebody that helps keep them focused on the future.

Woe to those who violate Rule 58 because it's a treading lightly on water thing. The single secondary may want more. They're not otherwise distracted by another relationship or a job. They're pining away somewhere while they know - in their heart - that they're lonely, yet, all of your needs are being pleasantly fulfilled with your primary. That sucks. Yep. A real sticky wicket.

So Rule 58 will figure prominently in my next ride on the merry-go-round. I'm thinking that it's a good rule of thumb for everybody.

What do you think? Do you think secondaries just get the raw end of the emotional stick? If you're a secondary, how do you deal with neutral buoyancy?

s1m0n

Changing the way the picture looks.

2010-10-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

When working in the realm of photography, there are many things that play a part in how the picture looks in the end. Lighting, the resolution of the camera, what camera is used, what type of lens, the speed of the exposure, photo editing, and probably a dozen other things that I've never heard of, not being a particular buff of photography myself. The point being that, depending on any one of those factors, the end product, the visual is different.

Noticing the factors that change our ultimate picture is a very important skill to develop in life, particularly within relationships. Who hasn't had the experience of having a poor day at work, then returning home feeling snarly and irritated, and taking it out on the people that are closest in your world? Who hasn't had a partner bring past baggage into their current relationship, totally unaware of it at the time? Or, more challenging, aware but unable/unwilling to change the way they are filtering what is happening in the here and now?

I recently had an unpleasant experience where someones past relationship stuff was strongly felt enough that I became a proxy in the here and now, target of their anger and unresolved issues based on some triggering behavior. This isn't even someone within my social circle! It really brought home to me how insidious such things can be, where someone who thinks they are viewing a given situation clearly can still be running entire sections of their life through an overwhelming filter, changing the picture they are dealing with into something entirely different.

For me, this is useful in looking at my relationships with others, myself, my child, my partners, even my clients. If I catch myself using a "lens" that distorts what is happening in reality, it can help me identify an underlying area that needs some additional processing. I may choose to back away from a given conflict, to say something like, "Today, I do not have the resources to see this situation clearly. I'd like to schedule some time with you next week/tomorrow/later today to work towards a mutually agreeable resolution with you."

Where it gets really hairy is when you have two or more people that are processing issues that dovetail with each other. This can either be a recipe for amazing growth, or disaster, depending on if each party involved is aware, willing and ready to put the work in to peel a conflict down to the "real" picture.

Many people seem to choose partners that are really talented at bringing their baggage to the surface. One of the most useful things I'm learning to do is to recognize when a particular person isn't going to be a good choice to work on my stuff with, and step away from that "bang my head against a wall" opportunity. There's my recommendation of the day!

Emotional Control

2010-10-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

There! I said it. I used the "C-word". Control. Ooh! That feels very non-poly. Controlcontrolcontrolcontrolcontrol!!! Relax, I think I have a point coming on. There are a couple of common takes on emotions and how they work inside poly relationships, or relationships in general. One is that emotions are there to be felt and should be fully experienced in the moment. Another is that managing emotions (or controlling them) is more desirable.

In the past few weeks, everyone I'm in relationship with has identified me as the latter version of those possibilities. When one of my partners shared with me that they hadn't realized how "emotionally controlling" I could be, my initial response was panic! What?!?! There's been a lot of work put into not being controlling, so if I was failing to hit that mark, it was hugely concerning! He went on to explain that he didn't mean that I was emotionally controlling towards him, but with myself. Oh, okay. That's was a bit more palatable. Still a bit confusing, so I asked for more input.

What I came up with during several collaborative conversations with different partners and friends is that I have a strong attachment with the concept of circles of trust. As you're sitting there, reading some of my inner thoughts, it would seem to be pretty apparent that being fairly transparent is something I shoot for. Lots of people see me as quite open. What many would consider to be "over sharing" is very comfortable for me. On the flip side, I seldom place myself in a position to be emotionally vulnerable, based on my own standards, with people that aren't directly inside my inner circle.

As the partner that brought the idea of being emotionally controlled elaborated, he's found as he got closer in towards the innermost circle, just how much is going on under the surface, which wouldn't be apparent based on the perceived level of transparency that many people in the friends and acquaintances receive.

Why do I do that? Well, for me, it seems self-indulgent to put my most volatile emotional states on people that haven't asked for that level of intimacy. With all the challenges in the past year, I've crossed that line more than I prefer at various community events, been more vulnerable, not done as much self-editing as I would like. There is shame around that for me. Expressing my emotional state isn't the issue, having feelings isn't the issue, it's feeling as though I have less choice in how I express them which drives me nuts!

The other viewpoint I've seen within the poly community in general is the idea that if you have emotions, expressing them freely is really the way to go. This kind of goes back to the earlier post on catharsis. Deep emotions are unhealthy to "stuff", so you should just go right ahead and put it all out there! All or nothing, black and white. Absolutes are uncomfortable for me, and it's been jarring when I've partnered with people that enjoy that realm of emotional output. To me, it feels volatile and scary, unpredictable; as though the edge of a cliff is somewhere just ahead, and it won't be seen until dropping over into free fall.

Is structured emotion just as valuable as unstructured? Is something lost when a person takes the time they need to analyze, process and organize their feelings before sharing them with others? That, I lack an answer for. It seems more prevalent within the poly community to choose structured emotional sharing, likely because the higher number of partners involved creates a higher degree of risk for crossing ethical lines (over sharing about one partner with another, for example).

So I'm emotionally controlling. It's worked far better for me than emotional outbursts, and my energy will continue to go towards gaining better skills in understanding what I am feeling, seeing the underlying causes, and choosing my responses to those emotions, within and without. Some days, I may fall off the bandwagon, but that's an opportunity to learn something new and apply it moving forward. Isn't that what all of this is about anyways?

It's going to be a rebuilding year...

2010-10-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

Wow, I know it isn't year end just yet, but it's got that feel! Maybe it's because the changes inside the household have reached their settling point for now (I hope!), with the addition of our new housemate, who is pretty fabulous thus far! Maybe it's because PG and I filed the divorce a few weeks back, ending a 16+ year era in my life. Maybe it's that JA (the partner that S and I had in common) decided to move on in search of a more "primary" relationship. Maybe it's the reemergence of the school year routine. Whatever it is, it feels like a point of tipping, and I'm a bit contemplative.

In the past year, I've gone from a very "full cupboard" feeling, to being pared down to the essentials. Fortunately, the essentials are something that aren't externally located, and going through the adversity of late has confirmed that. I'm learning to parent in separate households, letting go of important relationships in my life, and appreciating anew the connections with S and D. Some things have faded away, or changed into something entirely different than I once projected, and the care and support of the poly community has been unexpected and welcome.

Currently, I'm at the least polysaturated state I've been in years, and I think that is probably a good thing. I need to lick my wounds a bit and figure out what my burden of responsibility looks like, and how I want to do things differently moving forward. There are definitely some differences in how I will approach relationships, but the core of who I am and what I want hasn't shifted much.

The nice thing about being blasted down to the foundation is that there isn't much need to tear anything down to build a clean structure on that foundation. It's pretty close to a clean slate, at least as close as I'm likely to come, and all the essential materials are there to build a pretty kick-ass edifice. Break out the blue prints, and let the rebuilding process continue!

Catharsis

2010-10-09T17:53:00.001-07:00

Emotional purging and catharsis. It can look very similar to being ground zero at an explosion, and then picking up the debris afterward. My family was pretty repressed in expressing feelings of a negative nature, and so this whole concept has seemed a bit scary to me. Still, I've been willing to give things like this a try. It sounds kind of logical: You have an emotion that is overwhelming, so you just let it all out, release the pressure, and then you have a clean slate to build off of. Why not give it a shot?

So I have, on a few different occasions. Here's what I've found: This is flat out destructive. Even with the express consent of the others involved to "say anything you are feeling", a "safe container", or whatever euphemism you'd care to insert for an emotionally non-stick environment, it just doesn't turn out that way. People can't un-hear things. It damages your connection. It doesn't make anything any better, and once you get a taste for explosive decompression, it gets harder to have a measured response to intense situations.

Emotional mastery is a concept that can be misunderstood to mean distancing oneself from their emotions. For me, it's about being even more deeply aware of my emotions, working to understand the underlying reasons something is hitting a hot button, and choosing actions that are congruent with who I am, rather than allowing my emotional states to determine my behavior. I'll let you know if I ever get there! ;)

Some of the ways that I might choose to work through my darker emotions include, but are not limited to: writing, listening to morbidly awful music, and often singing along, crying, exercising, bathing, talking to a friend that isn't involved with whatever I am upset about, creating a plan to improve a situation I am feeling stuck about, going to a discussion group, tossing something out into an online forum, and the medicinal application of good-quality chocolate.

If I feel a need for catharsis, I'll go ahead and do that, but not with the people or situations that I'm upset with. It's self-indulgent, and destructive. Once I have a bit more of a handle on my own emotional state, I will have an open and honest conversation, but without the hysteria, or a sense of entitlement that having an emotion means that I should express it in any fashion that feels good at the time.

Pair Bonding

2010-10-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

Here's something I've noticed in several instances, both personally and by observation, and was wondering if others have observed something similar: When a couple is very well pair-bonded, it can feel intimidating to another party entering their sphere. This may be one of the reasons that it's tough for many that are "looking for a third" to find what they are seeking. It's just exceptionally tough for someone that is becoming part of the space of an established couple to feel that they are ever going to catch up.

On the other hand, there are people out there that crave and delight in sharing the energy and space with a well-bonded couple. It feels safe and welcoming, and like they can piggy-back on what has gone before to advance farther and deeper more rapidly.

Speaking personally, I've been on both sides of each end of the equation. There have been times where I've been the third party in the room, and I've felt either isolated, or cherished. On other occasions, I've seen someone either feel the rush of sharing in a bond that they can feel from the outside in, or seem pushed away by the strength of it.

What is it about strong pair bonding that can bring out deeply held fears of adequacy, or enhance the joy of togetherness? Are we hard wired for pair bonds, or is that strictly a societal construct? For me, I've been in strongly felt pair bonded relationships since I was 18, and that seems to be a deeply held desire for me, to the point of almost being a need. I don't think I'd be happy occupying a more peripheral sphere in all of my relationships, but enjoy deep emotional and physical intimacy with others in addition to my main pair bond(s).

Many of the most independent personality types that I've run across seem to be content to observe the pair bond in others, or participate from a support position. Often, these people are happiest to have connections with others that aren't as entwined as live-in partnerships, but still enjoy a deep sense of intimacy with others. A pair bonded partner can be an excellent fit for them, since the PBP isn't typically interested in having an additional relationship that involves the same level of interconnected relationship with another partner.

The sticky point can come when a pair bonded relationship ends, and the partners desire their other connections to further develop to pick up the slack. Sometimes the space is there, and other times it is not. If it isn't, that can be rather disappointing to all concerned. In my ideal world, the existing connections would be kept viable while the partner in need of a pair bond is looking, and preferably while they are growing their new relationship. I'm a fan of "grandfathered in" relationships that are still serving a purpose for all concerned.

I consider myself very fortunate to have enjoyed contiguous pair bonded relationships throughout my entire adult life. In the past, I feared being alone. At this point, I am very content with my own company. Poly, by the very abundance that I've explored, has helped to diffuse my own insecurities about loneliness. A person can be utterly lonely in the midst of a crowd, or filled with a sense of companionship with nothing but a good book for company. Pair bond or no, poly in thought or in practice, I'm satisfied.

Conflicting Emotions

2010-09-26T09:22:00.001-07:00

This past Friday, PG and I filed for divorce. I hadn't ever expected to be in that position, and it's been a long, drawn-out process of getting to the point of accepting that taking that step is the best for all concerned. After the past year of trying to salvage the relationship in a marital configuration though, even I am forced to admit that it is time to let that go.

One of the big challenges that has been repeatedly touched upon in all my other relationships and life functions is that the sorrow and loss that I feel regarding the ending of that chapter of my life. This can butt squarely up against the joy that I feel in those other connections and roles, and the fact that, in the base of my being, I am an optimist, and a happy person.

In most mono relationships, there isn't this same emotional overlap. When you break up with someone, you go through the stages of grief, loss, acceptance, and then move into a space of emotional intimacy with another. For me, there was never a thought of isolating myself from the people that I am close with already to go through this process. In other words, I wasn't going to dump anyone I was emotionally involved with to mourn the loss of the marriage with PG.

This has led to some interesting states of internal conflict at times, however. There have been days where I am thrilled to be spending time with D, and yet sad or angry with something happening with PG. Times where I've been more interested in venting or decompressing with JA, than in being emotionally present in our relationship.

Being my domestic partner, S has bore the brunt of these conflicting emotional states. We've had a number of conversations about my relative neediness and volatility, and how this impacts us as a couple, or as a triad with JA. I am very aware of bleed-over, and try to keep it minimized, but it has been impossible to maintain a totally firm boundary between the feelings I'm having in various relationships.

For me, it's been a tough thing to work with. I pride myself on being very stable, reasonable, predictable and dependable, and haven't been resonating much with any of those things in the past several months. While I don't think I've been a bad partner, I haven't been living up to my own expectations within relationships, and that hits me where I live. A well-known poly friend of mine has been known to say that for many poly people, their relationships are their hobbies. For me, that has certainly been the case. My relationships have taken me towards a deep level of self-examination, blogging, facilitating the discussion group, and spending most of my free time with my various loves. So, being emotionally compromised in one space and allowing it to ooze into other areas is something that I feel a sense of failure about.

Being too hard on myself? Probably, and I do try to cut myself some slack on that, as do my partners. Moving out of a 16 year relationship is a massive change, and it impacts many different spheres of my life. A goal for myself is to actually deal with the hard feelings I'm having, rather than sweeping them under the rug, and that means that some of that processing is going to find its' way into my relationships with others, since those can be triggering spaces. We all try to be conscious of where things are coming from, and redirect as needed to underlying causes. Remembering a time where there was more consistency in intimacy and feelings across different connections, I find myself impatient to get to the other side of this stage of conflicting emotions, and look towards the possibilities that lie farther along the horizon.

Sex and parenting.

2010-09-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

There was an article in salon.com regarding teenage sexuality in the Netherlands that I found very intriguing and pertinent. (please read it now) The basic idea is that by being supportive, not just informative or turning a blind eye, to your teenager's sexuality and sexual expression, the odds of them experiencing negative consequences to sexual behavior are greatly reduced. This particular take is pretty squarely at odds with what I learned growing up, and I find myself not as far down the road of enlightenment as I had hoped. ;)

Poly has been one of the most useful instruments in my reprogramming process about sex I've used, and I'm eager to see how growing up in a more open environment will improve my daughter's experiences in life, particularly in sexual expression. Let's face it: As parents, we often use our kids as guinea pigs to replay things that weren't optimal for us, and have a re-do by proxy. Kind of sounds yucky, but why wouldn't someone want to provide a (in their eyes) better life experience for their offspring?

My family had a very clear delineation for appropriate sexual expression: Are you married? Well then! You get to have sex, and even enjoy it, because God says it's ok! Not married yet? Don't even _think_ about it! Don't do it, don't fantasize about it, don't get information about it. We'd greatly prefer you don't masturbate, date, or consider pleasure a positive.

When I "became a woman", my mother gave me a pamphlet that explained feminine hygiene products, and that I could become pregnant now. It was so obviously uncomfortable to my parents that, when I was 12 and hemorrhaged from my uterus, I was embarrassed to the point that I almost bled to death before I went to an adult for help. We still didn't talk about anything "down there".

A couple of weeks prior to my wedding, my mother took me aside and asked me if I had any questions for her about "marital duties". I shit you not. Exercising an immense amount of self-control, I didn't laugh in her face, but assured her calmly that I had already taken it upon myself to research the topic, and felt capable of handling my duties to my husband.

Once the magical ceremony took place that made all of those activities blessed and permissible, my mom took delight in ribbing me about breaking the bed, the amount of sleep we might be getting, and her own frisky nature. It was clear that my rather abundant libido is my mother's doing, genetically speaking, and for many years, it was something that I considered a burden.

Since my daughter was very young, my take has been that if she's old enough to ask a question, she's generally old enough to hear the answer. She's pretty curious by nature, so we've had a lot of conversations surrounding menstruation, sex, body parts, birth control and childbirth. She recently watched her own birth video, and found it fascinating! Generally, I think it's going pretty well.

Then I read this article, and realize that I still have a ways to go as a parent, because all of that makes sense, but it's way out of our cultural norms. I have enough of a challenge creating opportunities to have sleep overs with MY lovers! What is it going to be like when she asks me to help her have a partner over? Should I get her a vibrator? Am I going to be reminding her to take the pill? How do I have a reasonable conversation with other parents about our kid's sexual life, and being supportive of that, when it's likely that they'll get hung up on me being poly, or bi, or whatever excuse is needed to derail things away from our precious babies wanting to boff?

Well, at least I have a few more years to work out a game plan, and make sure that she knows that, while she's in the driver's seat on this topic, I'll be helping her cover the insurance, driver's ed, and the occasional tank of gas.

Tending to Our Soil

2010-09-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

Around here, about this time, leaves turn bright orange and vivid yellow. But the last week of September is just the opening act. Soon our forests will ignite in a brilliant autumn fire. One week before Halloween, chill winds will blow the fire out and scatter a collage of frail dry leaves to streets and ditches. And vacant black and gray trees will remain, reaching skyward, shivering - their summer coats spent.

Is it true that relationships can intensely burn like autumn leaves to yield a wasted land? Yes. But we'd be fools to believe that love is an endless summer with no trials, no weakness, no death, rebirth, and renewal. It is as nature intended: lovely gardens bloom only after years of cultivating the finest soil.

s1m0n

Continuing a blog chain on seasons - here are other entries:

Regypsy: http://regypsy.wordpress.com/ and direct link to her post

Time Waits for No Man ...

2010-09-19T19:25:00.000-07:00

I was submerged in a summer of distractions that kept me focused exclusively on work, and any woman who's loved a workaholic man will probably admit their principal competition is a tireless harlot that robs him of all his time. It's the damn job. That bitch.

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I'm found too often the arms of that temptress. Yeah, I'm really crazy for her. Seriously though, she pales in comparison to the two real women who want the balance of my time and therein lies the problem.

Time.

There's only so much to go around. It's a commodity that demands management so every month we'll get together on the phone or in-person and spend about an hour looking for holes in our schedules. Between the three of us, we'll color-in a few lunches, day-time rendezvous, date nights, or weekend getaways. It's time well-spent. It gets us all in a room to negotiate a way for each of us to get what we want. It's a fairly practical exercise and its a great tip. Take the time to negotiate what you want together - no surprises.

Meanwhile, I can't be everywhere at one time; my secondary will sometimes be on her own while Polyfulcrum (PF) and I are together living our lives. That's hard on everyone. One of the greatest assets that I've got is a communication style with PF where we can both talk about what our lovers need, and we'll try to bend time around so we can each meet those needs. I'm really lucky that way. I'd say learn to be flexible and accommodating.

Birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions ... for any guy, need I say more? Now, take that problem and multiply it by two. Yikes! So this is one of my big weaknesses. I'm still trying to come up with ways to help with these things. I was thinking of establishing a relationship with a brilliant local florist to help out. Right, there's my next job: polyamorous gifting and event planning. Don't laugh, dude - there's a market there.

I've also learned about the importance of being present. I find myself making frequent calls, texting, and chatting a routine as to keep my sweetie engaged. I miss her and she shouldn't think that she's barely noticed. Everyday time together needs to be created, even if its just a few minutes on the phone or over Skype. Every little bit helps.

Life's a balancing act when it comes to time. Sometimes you just have to get creative. If PF sees me scheduling time with my sweetie away, I've found that it's not in her nature to just idle the time waiting for me to come home. Instead, she books time with D or engages some of her other interests. She makes the best use of the time she has. And I'll do the same when I find her away at a munch or it's BDSM night at the local adult club. You learn to make the best use of the time you've got.

And a closing tip to all of the guys out there: consciously make dating arrangements with your primary. I've screwed up on this one several times by fixating on booking date time with my "new/shiny" that I totally forgot to make time for her. Doh! Classic dumb move. So I've learned to book PF on date nights just as I'm also booking my secondary. Now, I don't think anybody should come to expect total equity out of poly relationships, but some semblance of making equal time for your principal relationship is an important fulcrum skill to learn.

Time. It waits for no man, and especially if there's two women involved. In the long run, you have to consciously find ways to make it work, and find ways to set work aside to pay attention to what really matters.

s1m0n

ROI- Return on Investment

2010-09-16T08:21:00.000-07:00

ROI is a term that is frequently bandied about in business settings. Let's say you send out a mass mailer, spend $300 and 4 hours of your time on it, and get two new clients. Well, if they are fantastic clients that turn into a long-term connection, that may be worth your time. You got good ROI. On the other hand, let's say you get those same two new clients, but they are just there for the mondo cheap promo that you put into the mailer, and then you never see them again. Poor ROI. It cost you way more to do the marketing than the benefit you received.

Often in poly, I see people flailing around, trying to figure out what is going to get them the best ROI for their time spent "marketing" themselves to potential partners. If one spends 16 hours creating a perfect profile on OKC, answering questions, and sending out emails to people that seem like they may be a good fit, and one date is the result, is this a good ROI? What if they go to local events, snuggles, discussion groups, actually meet people and find a new connection, but it isn't at the level that they are looking for? Was that worth the time?

Finding quality partners isn't something that comes too hard for me. While I have the gender advantage going for me, I don't think that's really all it is. What I think is really working for me is that the things that I do to connect with others, online or in person, are more about building community and creating a positive space to explore myself inside of, rather than having an expectation that doing z is going to lead to a particular type of relationship, or x number of dates. My ROI is based on personal satisfaction and growth, not on relationship or dating connections.

For those of you out there that are just at your wit's end to make something happen, I'd encourage a reevaluation of approach. By all means, know what you want in life, and go for it! Just make sure that those wants are achievable without the specific cooperation of others. When you are in a space where you are really happy to have a conversation with someone, and aren't angling for a deep exploration of their bits, it comes through, and the bits just follow at that point. ;)

Passing the Emotional Buck

2010-09-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

There were several things that happened this week that left me feeling in an extremely poor mood, just in time to have a date with S and JA. Having lived a pretty charmed life, unpleasant emotions aren't my forte, and I try to stay pretty cognizant of that. So, I was very up front with the fact that I wasn't in a good mood, that I didn't feel terribly social or talkative, or like being touched, and that it wasn't anything that anyone that I was currently sharing space with had done/not done, or said that had brought me to that point. I shared my frustration, and that my objective was to first make sure that I didn't take it out on anyone else, and secondly, to walk my way through my own emotional state to the point where I could be more fully present and able to participate positively in my current environment.

It seems like a no-brainer to not get snippy with people that don't have anything to do with what we are upset about, but it's something that I see others do often, and struggle with myself. I've also been on the receiving end of such treatment, and have a significant dislike of that as well! An example from my week was that my daughter asked me to watch her skating practice, and at one point, she started showing off more, focusing on my response, lost concentration, and crashed into a wall. While she wasn't hurt much, she was embarrassed, and proceeded to chew me out for "Looking at her funny.". While that sounds kind of amusing in retrospect, at the time, it was a culmination of feeling like the target for her frustration over the changes in our family, and was very painful.

Within poly, there are sometimes clear delineations when someone does something hurtful, or something to push us up against an area in need of attention or growth. Person A did/said/neglected to do xyz, and that led to feeling jealous/neglected/disregarded/under appreciated, so that is something that I need to address with Person A. Other times, the feeling that Person A engenders can be globalized to other partners or connections, and that can lead to some really unjustified nastiness, where the assumption is that Person B will act the same way as Person A. Welcome to the evolution of Baggage!

Fortunately for me, this week when I was struggling through my own crap, my partners were open to hearing what was going on and how I was feeling about it, gave me space to pull my head out of my ass, and then invited me to participate in connecting with them. There was some clinging to my ill-temper, but I was finally able to pull away from that and enjoy who, what and where I was, without contaminating it with outside concerns overly much.

I really appreciated the forbearance I received early on in this process, as I was almost certainly sulking like a 4 year old in need of a smacked bottom during the beginning of our date! Being able to stay vulnerable with who I was with, rather than becoming closed down and defensive across the board made a big difference. When someone is in a poor mood and refuses to share about that with those they are close to, that builds distance into the equation. Distance never seems to help people feel intimate and connected, strangely enough, so I don't recommend it as a coping mechanism when around people you'd like to feel intimate and connected with, even if you're not really "in the mood".

Keeping things energetically "clean" between the past and present, and between one relationship and another is something that most of us would benefit from keeping in our field of conscious focus. Own your own shit, and don't make anyone carry the baggage someone else is bringing to the party.

How to Prioritize?

2010-09-01T19:09:00.001-07:00

Prioritization is one of the most complex, tricky, sticky, fraught with danger, with potential to hurt feelings, sorts of things that people (me) seem to struggle with in poly. There are so many roles and people desiring or needing time and attention that it seldom feels as though everything is in optimal balance. By optimal balance, I mean that all sectors of my life are receiving what is necessary to be functioning well, including me!

One of the first thing to go is self-care. In my professional life, I see this fairly often, usually once someone has utterly exhausted all their resources. From the perspective of a completely drained person, it suddenly becomes obvious that caring for and giving to others is impossible if you have nothing left in your own tank. Therefore, the first thing that one must prioritize in any of their relationships or roles is attention to self. Sleep, exercise, good nutrition, and stress management are great places to start!

Once you have self attended to, what comes next? Is it work? Family? Relationships? Self-development above and beyond the basics of self-care? I don't know that I have hard and fast rules on this, but often work comes next, as the basics of food and shelter are quite fundamental. There are times where, based on a high level of need, I will defer a work opportunity for my child, or for a partner in crisis.

As I read through that last paragraph, I realize that I will also defer the occasional work opportunity for pleasure as well! The pleasure of time spent with a partner, in or out of bed, feeding that relationship is not to be overlooked as a necessity of life. Ultimately, what gives us the deepest rewards: avoidance of pain, or the pursuit of pleasure? Let's keep the kink angle out of this, because that can give some real overlap! ;)

Challenges can crop up when you simply don't have the available time, proximity, or perhaps even desire to spend energy when someone else desires it from you. This seems particularly tough with non-domestic partners. When living with someone, you can usually cram a quick "touch-bases" into the day, or have the comfort and satisfaction of sleeping next to them. When it takes committing to commute time and a different location to connect with a partner, that can get less easy and require some concerted effort, especially mixing kids and other partners into the equation.

JA, who S and I are both seeing, is going out of town for some time, and we've been trying to figure out ways to have couple time for each pairing, as well as triad time, before she leaves town. Due to illness, a couple date got bumped off the schedule, and now there are machinations in process to clear the house of the kiddo and other partner to allow a solo date for the one couple, then follow that with a triad date. And that's just the beginning!

So why are we all going through so much effort? Because there are things that we have each asked for, and decided to make a priority to benefit each other, and our group dynamic. Perhaps because some one's feelings might be hurt? Maybe they would feel excluded if spending time together didn't seem as important to the others in the relationship? Being able to help my partners find time and space to nourish their other relationships helps me feel useful. It's not totally altruistic, as I hope that they will find value in doing to same for me, but it's a move in a direction I hope to become totally congruent in over time: Your happiness is important to me, and I will make it a priority to help you in any way I can to reach your goals. What more can any of us ask for from our loves?

The House Mate Situation

2010-08-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

So, having put it out to the community at large, I was very pleased to have gotten a response to our request to help find a house mate! We were referred in a single dad with a daughter in the same age range with mine, who is in our age range, and is both poly and kinky. Thank you to Ms A!

This looks like a pretty good fit! He was over last week, loved the space, put the deposit down and signed the rental agreement. We all had dinner together, including his daughter's mom, and the kids got to scope each other out as well. The dogs were even relatively well-behaved.

It's going to be another new situation to be sharing space with someone that is still a relative stranger, but the basics all seem to be in place, and it was such a relief to be looking at this scenario with someone who is relatively versed in basics of poly and kink, who isn't attaching negative moral judgements to multiple partners, marks, the chains that hang in our laundry room (which are actually for hanging laundry, but look really kinky), and seems interested in possibly participating in community stuff etcetera.

We have a month before they move in, and I think all of us around here can use the time and space to take many deep breaths, establish a new routine, and become more comfortable with different kinds of freedoms, like weekends that are largely kid-free. The kiddo starts school next week, and I think the additional structure will help her to continue to acclimate to the changes in family life. Getting used to another child around will be interesting for all of us, but it looks like the kids are going to get along pretty well, especially on a part-time basis.

While I'm not totally certain how this is all going to shake down, I'm pleased that so many things are falling into place as desired. One step at a time, one foot in front of the next.

Thinking in Multiples

2010-08-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

Sort of an odd thing I noticed the other day- My daughter and I were out visiting a friend, and as we were conversing, the daughter-unit was feeling a bit shy, but wanted to have certain stories shared, so was requesting that I recount the stories to "them". There was just the three of us present, and she's pretty good with pronouns, but I just wrote it off as misspoken. This occurred several times during the conversation though, and it became apparent to me that she thinks of other poly folk in the multiple sense. Even if you're partners aren't present, or if you're poly-single, she seems to apply plural pronouns when speaking with poly types.

Hmmm... that was an interesting idea! "We"us", and "them" sort of come as part of the package for her when around others that are poly, and I realized that I often think of other poly folk in the plural as well. It's an expansion of the couple dynamic that often develops when there is a longer-term connection that is palpable to others, where you begin to think "maryandjohn" instead of Mary and John. Typically for me, it's more highly related to the information that I have about someones relationships sphere. Let's say J has three other partners that I have met, I often think about J within the context of their connections, and not only as an individual. For her, it's a community thing. If she knows that someone we are around also is poly, she thinks of that person as a portion of the community that is around her, and therefore likely plural in some fashion.

There isn't really a value judgment to attach to this habit, but I think that I will be more conscious of my verbiage regarding others for a while. Fuzzy words lead to fuzzy thought, so the saying goes, and clarity is a quality I value. At the same point, there is a sense of comfort with the idea of belonging to a community, a family, a pod, unit of socialization, part of something bigger than myself that is accepting of how I choose to express myself. We think that's worth a few plural thoughts every now and again. ;)

Pragmatism and Polyamory

2010-08-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

This week was the discussion group at our home. One of the topics we were looking into was being partly closeted, and what the advantages, disadvantages, simplifications and complications that being halfway in or out could engender. As I listened to the accumulated wisdom and experience being verbalized, it became fairly apparent that the vast majority of us are highly motivated by pragmatism. In other words, we tend to do what makes the most sense on a practical level at a given time.

While that may sound like a no-brainer, the interesting thing to me was that so many of us had different definitions of what was practical, and some even defined their ideals as practicalities. Here's an example: "My goal is to be out of the closet to everyone, no matter where or who I am with." A person who holds that as an ideal may feel diminished or put upon when attending a function with a partner who isn't as fully out, or opt out of such events, or even decide not to date anyone who isn't out as fully as they are. It isn't pragmatic to them to be closeted with anyone, as it infringes on their personal freedom, requiring them to censor poly stuff.

On the other hand, someone may define their ideal in similar terms, but have areas that are exceptions, "My goal is to be out of the closet in as many places and spheres as possible, but the fact that I am poly isn't the business of those that I work with, and I choose not to disclose that there." Or perhaps there is family that they aren't out with, due to safety concerns.

Another exception to being out that came up was the idea that sharing about poly with people who would then want to process it, ask questions, understand it, was too complicating, and being less open was a way to keep complications in life to a minimum. In short, to keep things simple, some people choose to stay in the closet to certain people or groups.

These were all interesting points, and I found that for me, a pendulum has shifted in the past couple of years. It used to take more effort for me to be out, and a conscious energy was put into sharing that information with people. Now, I find myself on the opposite end of the spectrum, where it requires concentration to edit myself regarding poly to others. It's harder to be closeted than out for me now. There are still a few spheres that I am not out in, primarily things that pertain to work (major sources of business are LDS), and a desire not to shock my frail grandmother to an early grave!

Not to wish ill on my grandma, but the day will come where I won't be concerned for her health, and the rest of the family I am either out to already, or I have no concern for over this topic. My goal over the next several years is to continue to cultivate my community, and orient my business to rely on clients and referral sources that I don't fear will shun me for my poly ways, leading me to actually be open and out in every sphere of my life. That shiny day is on the horizon, and I look forward to it with anticipation!

Head Out On The Highway!

2010-08-06T08:52:00.000-07:00

Today I am heading out on the open road on my way to the coast! It's day two of child-free time, as my daughter is on a family trip with her dad's extended family, and I have planned a get away for myself to hit the reset button on life a bit.

Here's how the whole thing works as a poly person getting away on their first vacation following a split, or at least how it's working for me: S and his/our sweetie already left for the coast yesterday. My other sweetie, D, came over yesterday, and we enjoyed a nice date night together. He'll be house sitting and taking care of our dogs while we are out of town. I'll head out today, join up with the two currently on sand, and spend the next couple days trying to relax a bit, then she is heading back home, and he and I will spend a day just the two of us before heading back to pick up the kiddo and resume responsibilities of daily living.

How do people without additional partners do this whole vacationing thing? It seems like quite a lot of logistics to cover either way, but this way, I've got tons of back up. I am truly grateful!

So far the week has gone very well. I'm adjusting to life without the person I've lived with for the past 15 years, and it's feeling fine, but then, I'm also not digging too deeply into my feelings just yet. S and I are still looking for a roommate to fill the gap left by PG's departure on a financial level, and next week looks to be full of interviews to find that special fit for our household in terms of personality, reliability, responsibility and capacity to pay their bills. Oh yes! They have to be good with the whole poly thing, the dogs and kid as well! Wish us luck!

Well, I am off to pack my bags and explore the single-ish life! See you in a few days.

How much is enough?

2010-07-31T06:46:00.000-07:00

For quite a while I had a policy about dating, one that was created and honed by experience, and it seemed like a darn good idea: Don't date people that don't have a primary partner already. You see, having done that a few times, it seemed pretty apparent that those who didn't have a "primary" partner, which I'll define as someone that they either lived with, or had significant emotional and practical entwinement with, always seemed to want/need more from me than I had available to give, in terms of time and practical/emotional commitment. So why get into something just to feel inadequate, and have someone move on once they found what they really wanted in another partner?

Cut to the current time, where S and I have that live-in entwined thing, but I also have two other partners, neither of which have a "primary". Honestly, I've been kind of nervous about that. While I feel like I contribute positively to each of my partners, I don't have the amount of energy or time available that I would like to share. So, how much is enough?

For years, I've tried to make that choice for others. If I didn't feel like I had enough to give, I just didn't move into the relationship in the first place. Still not thinking that is a bad idea, actually. What's shifted is that I am trusting others more to let me know if what I have to give is sufficient for them, rather than unilaterally making that call.

It's definitely been something that is discussed in advance of getting emotionally attached. Conversations like this one: "Hey, I really like you, and feel good connection. I'd like to take this deeper, but am really concerned that only having enough available time for a weekly date, and several phone calls isn't going to feed you enough to feel satisfied, especially since I know you are interested in having a live-in partner. Can we talk about how that feels to you?" Those have been good talks to have. It's something that gets touched on pretty regularly on an on-going basis as well.

Sometimes, that sounds pretty good in advance, and then someone realizes that they'd really like to have a partner sleeping over several nights a week, or maybe they'd like to shift into a more "primary" level connection, which isn't within my grasp to give. At that point, the conversation moves into another area. "From what you're sharing, it seems like you'd really enjoy having a different kind of relationship that has xyz qualities. Does that feel true? Yes? I want you to feel happy and loved in every way that is important to you, so how can I help support you while you are looking for another partner that has that to give?"

One of the hardest parts has been letting go of trying to force myself to produce the time and emotional space to be all things to all people in my life. It's just not going to happen. So, I am learning that whatever I have to give is sufficient, that my partners will let me know if they need something more from me, that I am enough.

So much space...

2010-07-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

In the past couple of months, S's daughter relocated to be closer to her extended family, and now PG (yes, I know he's got that new name now, but for the purposes of continuity, I'll probably continue to use that moniker) is moving out this weekend.

When we built this house, it was set up to have all three adults working here, and the two kids, plus have space for a guest or two. Now we have the two adults working here, one kid, and that's about it. It feels a bit cavernous for just the three of us, so I'm looking towards doing something totally new for me: some form of communal living.

Yes, it's not exactly poly, but it feels a bit related. I don't think I'd be terribly satisfied with people that just pay the bill and come and go without any social contact. Ideal, of course, would be other poly people that we could form some sort of community bond with, or at least not have to explain all the intricacies of ethical non-monogamy. To be honest though, I'm not exactly sure how this is going to go. I've never lived with anyone that I wasn't partnered with, or nuclear family of, and have only had two partners that I've ever lived with, PG and S. For all my wild ways, when it comes to home, I'm a bit of a fuddy-duddy apparently.

I'm sort of seeing this whole idea as a metamour kind of thing: Here's someone you don't have a real direct connection to, but that you want to get along with reasonably well, because it will make a host of other things easier! Self-interest aside, you may find them personally appealing, and someone you could learn things from, so there is a level of effort that goes into creating connection and empathy, learning each other's patterns and schedules, and generally getting to know them.

So here we go! Wish us luck with this search for a great person(s) to fill out our household dynamic. It's kind of a "blind date", but shoot, my parents met on a blind date and are still going strong!

Keep Moving Forward!

2010-07-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday our daughter hit her head on the ice hard enough that it warranted a trip to the emergency room to get a CT scan to make sure there wasn't any bleeding or bruising on the brain. As ER visits go, it was really exemplary, and I recommend that, in the event of an emergency, you go to SW Washington Medical Center if you have that option.

When I arrived, my car was valet parked, we were checked in within 5 minutes, and ushered to a room, where a nurse arrived within seconds to check vitals and make sure all the details of the incident were duly recorded. She also popped a dvd in to the player in the room to keep C entertained and relaxed. It happened to be, "Meet the Robinsons". If you haven't seen that particular movie, it involves a young orphan boy in search of a family. The boy is an avid inventor, but hasn't yet created an invention that works as designed. There ensues some time travel, and a few other interesting incidents. At one point, the boy comes face to face with himself as an adult and discovers the secret of his own successes in life: Keep Moving Forward!

When something is tried and doesn't work, or only works partially, it is challenging to not toss in the towel and just give up on the concept. In this case, the house combo poly didn't work out for one of the parties involved. Some of the factors had zero to do with anyone directly involved, things like employer choices. Some could have been seen more clearly in advance, and others couldn't have been anticipated. The bottom line for me is that poly isn't a failure, that the house combo wasn't a failure, but that parts of it didn't work for everyone involved.

This is still a good concept, and one that my future plans may include. S and I have other partners currently, and still identify strongly with polyamory as a concept and way of loving.

At this point, we want the dust to settle a bit, and are looking for a roommate or couple that we aren't personally involved with to share our home and help with some of the financial shifts following the loss of our other household member. If you live in the area, and might be interested in living with other poly people, please let me know, and I'll be happy to discuss the specifics.

Oh yes! The kiddo is doing fine this morning, and is off to the ice rink for the day. She's ready to keep moving forward as well.

Who We Are

2010-07-20T22:59:00.000-07:00

The following has been this blog's intro summary for the past two years:

"Who We Are
He's Polygestalt, she's Polyfulcrum, and I'm S1m0n. We are a quirky MFM polyamorous Vee in Vancouver, Washington, and we bought a house together in August 2008.
Convinced that each of us has spare time and that our lives are extraordinarily interesting, we've decided to hone our writing skills and share our experiences through a blog. Yay!"

I can't help but wonder when S1m0n will change it. Of course, the title "Journals of a Polyamorous Triad" could still be valid with the addition of another writer.

PolyGestalt is no more. True, I still have the OKcupid account, but I will be transitioning that into my new identity (also now on OKcupid): METAwhetstone. By the end of August, I won't have any PolyGestalt or Gestalt user accounts on the internet. If anyone wants to follow me, feel free to friend me there under my new account.

In two weeks I will be moved out of this house. I'm not sure what to really say here. Even though I've tried to explain myself several times in different ways, many people don't understand why I must leave -- especially if I still have affection for the people who live here.

A while back, I posted a poem that resonates with me:
"The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

One stanza of that poem sums up the core of it better than I can. Either you will understand or you will not, but I'll assume that you will draw whatever conclusions you like about my character and that will be that. The excerpt:

"It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy."

Farewell.

Life in the Fish Bowl

2010-07-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

My father is a minister of a pretty conservative denomination within the Christian faith. As a Preachers Kid/Missionary Kid (PK or MK, as we termed it), I grew up with people watching me. Peering at my every move, scrutinizing my behavior, decisions, grades, whether I was properly attentive during services to my father's droning sermons, and eyeballing my fashion choices, from crown to toe. In short, I lived in a fish bowl. People would look in, and with their own filters, draw conclusions about me distorted by the curves of the glass. I felt consistently conspicuous, and made great efforts to appear "normal" in an attempt to avoid disapproval.

For many years now, I've been pretty aggressive about avoiding that level of attention. I actively pushed away from leadership positions, chose a quiet profession that lends itself to being away from large groups of people, and then, I went all poly on myself. I discovered that I had things to say, ideas that I wanted to examine with others, I was deliberately deciding to do something a bit out of the norm, that wouldn't blend well. Still, my level of passion for this type of loving was something that couldn't be put on the back-burner. My natural inclinations to be in the forefront started to assert themselves, and I found myself back in the fish bowl. It's even pushed into my professional life, and every week, there I am in front of a roomful of business professionals, running the show.

Poly, now that I've been able to move past (by and large) the childhood fear of disapproval, has given me a handle towards using the gifts that I have in leadership. Professionally, this has been really useful to me. Personally, I've benefited by having a strong network of support and caring friends surrounding me.

As PG and I have been moving towards dissolution/radical change in our relationship, that feeling of fear about being in the fish bowl has been popping back up again. What do people really think? If I have good relationship skills, why is this happening, and why would anyone find value in what I have to share? Aren't leaders supposed to do everything well? How can I continue to put myself out there while the biggest relationship I've ever had disintegrates around me?

For now, I keep coming back to the idea that even people who love each other and try very hard, even those with amazing skills to bring to the table, sometimes don't succeed in making things go, and that doesn't mean that those skills, or those people, are any less valid as examples of ways to have a fantastic relationship. So, I'll keep plugging away here, and with the discussion group I host, and keep that high profile, because life in the fish bowl still has something to offer me, and perhaps someone else.

Fair, Equal, or Balanced?

2010-06-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

Within every relationship, there is a delicate balance that exists, sometimes consciously, as within a D/s relationship, and sometimes as an undercurrent that motivates behavior, decision making, and how we interact with each other, and within ourselves. There is an (often unspoken) expectation that certain relationships will be a higher or lower priority than others, that some will have official status, as with a marriage, while others will be emotionally important, but not often publicly acknowledged. Some people have an idea that all relationships will be equally weighted, that "fairness" or "equality" are qualities to strive towards. Some of us want a say in the lives and decisions that our partners make, while others view that as controlling and undesirable. Is balance achievable? Is it desirable?

For me, people that are more entwined in my life, those that give of themselves and make my life function well, have a higher priority, more input. Their opinions and requests are given more weight as I consider decisions. I share a higher degree of information, and put more effort into communication. It's probably a reflection of my practical side that I do things this way. It seems eminently "fair" to me that someone who helps me out on a day in and out basis would have more input than someone I date occasionally, even if they are similarly emotionally important.

Equality is a fiction. Within our relationships there is a spectrum of feeling, thought, obligation, action, sexuality, desire, drive, intellect, responsibility, intimacy and much more. Each individual that we connect with is going to inspire a different blend of these qualities. There is no possible way to make relationships equal, particularly since they often grow based on shared experience that is unique to those present. Even with people present in the same space and time, the same event will hold different significance, emotional resonance, and touch them in unique ways. How could there ever be an expectation that someone should feel the same way about different people?

Fair and equal are traps. Any parent that has handed multiple children an identical treat, only to have one insist that the other child has somehow gotten the better choice, would recognize that even when things are precisely equivalent on paper, it's in our nature to wonder if someone is getting it better than we are. For me, the key thought is more related to balance. I cannot make things equal or fair, but I can try to give to each person as much of what they need from me as I have to give. Sometimes what I have to give is limited by other circumstances, like time needed to work, or by other relationships, including familial ones, or by the specific need of a particular partner.

Prioritizing is part of life. If we weren't capable of prioritizing, we'd collapse under the weight of all the choices and options available to us. So why is there so much resistance to prioritizing our relationships? Within the framework of a mono relationship, there isn't as much of a chance that someone will feel "less than" another person, or if that happens, it's a different type of connection, like one with a family member or friend, and we can more easily recognize that difference. Within a poly framework, we are having romantic relationships with more than one person. It's harder to make those differences feel obvious, and that is why we have a tendency to try for the equal and fair model, and why prioritizing can feel like making a better/less than choice, versus giving what is available to each individual based on the unique relationship that is shared.

Emotional fatigue

2010-06-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

One of the aspects of poly that I appreciate deeply is that the vast majority of those that self-identify this way are actively seeking to be self-aware and growth oriented. That mindset is something that I find most appealing, although, at times, a bit daunting. Having cycled through a great many changes in the past several months, I find myself at a place of highly desiring stability, which is at odds with my usual bent towards growth.

It's been feeling as though I've been running as rapidly as possible to stay ahead of the wave, and just barely managing that much. Perhaps the next challenge to come along may topple me. Intellectually, I can recognize that in times of intense change there are some amazing discoveries to be made, and that such an event would be a temporary setback at worst. Emotionally, I just want the hits to stop coming. Give me some space to breathe, center, energize, and grow towards being at peace with the changes that have been happening.

How is this impacting me on a poly level? Well, there are some relationships and connections that are growing more slowly than desired, or have been put on hold/changed into something different for the time being. For the most part, I think that is going OK. This may not be optimal, but it's the best I have to offer for the time being.

When I have done weight training, one of the concepts that they cover is the idea of working to total failure. You lift heavy enough, slowly enough, and tax your muscles to the point where you just can't possibly do another repetition. Things that you would normally be able to do, like pick up a couple of grocery bags, are just flat out of the question until you've had a bit of time to recover and regain function in those areas. I'm in emotional muscle fatigue. I can't lift any more, and the things that would normally be simple and easy, joyously undertaken, feel pretty close to impossible.

The thing I'm trying to remember is that, once the recovery period is over, those muscles are stronger and more capable than before. So, for those of you in the trenches with me, I appreciate your patience, and hope that you'll find the waiting worthwhile. Someday, it's going to be my turn to pick you up!

Ask versus Inform

2010-05-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

How you communicate a desire is significantly influenced by the way you say it. My wife (polyfulcrum) and I have gone rounds on this topic many times in our marriage: Do you ask or do you inform?

In her paradigm, she believes that asking is nearly always the way to go. In my world, I tend to pick and choose which way to frame something.

Let's take a simple example to start. I go to someone's house and have the need to use the toilet. I could say, "May I please use your bathroom?" or I could say, "Where is your bathroom; I need to go." Since the host of the house is only a stake holder in the sense that he would really rather you not mess on the floor or out in the garden, the likelihood of him answering "No" to the request phrased as a question is pretty low. (Although, I have been known to give a snarky "No" and then promptly show a guest to the restroom. Hehehe!) However, the same desire phrased as the statement of intent generally doesn't draw a blink either.

Now I think we'll all agree that the bathroom example is too tame. It's not charged with enough emotional umph. The two worlds tend to collide when there is a disagreement over stake holders. Who is vested in the outcome of that decision to act and is permission needed?

So, here's a real-world example from my life. I check Google calendar (which has all the houshold adult's schedules) and find that a certain day of the week is free from plans that either Polyfulcrum or Simon. I make a plan with a promising new connection and then promptly tell PF, "Hey, I'm going out on Thursday night." While this was communication, it was not a permission-seeking statement. And as such, that will often ruffle PF's feathers. I believe that she wants to be closer to the decision's origin and be made to feel like she can veto a decision before it gets too far out of the gate by wanting the desire to be phrased as a question. If I am informing, then it's much further down the line -- other people may be involved and their resources and schedules may already be comitted. Now the social cost is much higher in order to protest a decision.

I find that I will most often inform when I feel more emotionally vested in a course of action and ask when I feel less vested. How do you all handle Ask versus Inform?

In rejection of a popular perception of love

2010-05-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

This morning, I was cleaning the kitchen, and popped some music on to keep myself entertained. Smash The Offspring's song, "Self Esteem" came on, and I found myself blithely humming along, right up to this line, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care.". At that point, I paused, because even though the song is about someone with poor self esteem that feels trapped by their own feelings in a relationship with someone who is a user on many levels, there is still an element of that sentiment that pervades our society in general. It's something that I've been catching edges of from various people around me as PG and I have continued to shift out of the relationship that was. It boils down to this: If you haven't suffered sufficiently (however THAT is defined!), you don't deserve to leave a relationship, you haven't earned your way out in blood, sweat and tears.

Even using that particular yardstick, I'm in the clear, but what I'm noticing is there is an inappropriate level of interest in verifying somehow that I've suffered enough to move on. Is this because people are sold on the idea that no one would leave a relationship that isn't "Bad"? That it has to get bad to push someone to moving on? That, particularly when children are involved, you owe everyone a high level of pain, effort and work to justify moving out of a relationship?

I dislike this, particularly within poly relationships. The model of "Suffering=Caring" is destructive. It builds an element of demonizing at least one person, and creating a schism within a family/community that is larger than necessity would call for within a relationship change. During active relationships, it can lead to all kinds of justifications for staying connected to someone who may lack skills that are vital to a healthy relationship with you. It doesn't mean their skills and needs wouldn't match up well with another partner. It isn't righteous to bang one's head up against a wall trying to make the pieces fit in the slots available, but most of us have tried that approach at least once. Anyone get that square peg to fit in the round hole yet? No? Yet many of us are sold on that model. If we just try hard enough, love each other enough, sacrifice pieces of ourselves to the relationship, things will magically become compatible.

Let's allow for the possibility that suffering and caring don't belong in the same sentence. The reasons for people choosing to be in relationship with each other, or for opting out, shouldn't (yep, used the "s" word!) include martyrdom of self, or of the relationship they have shared.

As a note of interest, here is the poem that was attached to the photo above:

"Love is reckless; not reason. Reason seeks a profit. Love comes on strong, consuming herself unabashed. Yet in the midst of suffering love proceeds like a millstone, hard surfaced and straight forward. Having died to self interest, she risks everything and asks for nothing. Love gambles away every gift God bestows. Without cause God gave us Being; without cause give it back again. Gambling yourself away is beyond any religion. Religion seeks grace and favor, but those who gamble these away are Gods favorites, for they neither put God to the test nor knock at the door of gain and loss"

Is poly "harder" than mono?

2010-05-04T17:23:00.000-07:00

This has been a question bandied about in various forums, asked of me, and one that people seem to have pretty strong opinions about. While there are a variety of positions available, let's just take a look at a few points.

On the one hand, within mono relationships, there are pressures to satisfy most/all the needs of one's partner, and not usually as many resources for personal growth. There's also a lot of societal reinforcement in the positive direction to be part of a "traditional" monogamous setup. Perceived safety is part of the package, predictability, perhaps even ownership. It's supported by the law of the land, practiced (poorly or well) by the majority of the population in this country, even within less mainstream communities, like GLBTQ, and touted by the majority of mainstream religions, most mental health professionals, and Hollywood as the way to go.

Really, the question that we may want to consider is why _isn't_ poly harder than mono? While things can be more complex within poly relationships, it is often purely because there are more factors (people) to track and more opportunities for miscommunication to occur. Here we have a choice in living and loving that receives next to zero support from society at large, if not active antipathy, and yet more and more people are moving this direction, coming out, writing, talking, and sharing their experiences, thoughts, and feelings about open relationship structures!

So why do poly relationships end? Mostly for the same reasons that mono relationships end. For me, as I go through the process of changing the way that PG and I relate to each other, I am very grateful for the skills, relationships and community available to me because I live and love poly. There are skills that, while I may have learned them eventually in a mono relationship, I've had much more opportunity to practice and grow with as a poly person.

Poly is like serving concurrent sentences, minus the orange jumpsuits, plus lots of consensual sex: In my 34 years, I've spent 27 years in relationships of a significant nature. No, I haven't been dating since I was 7, but I have been privileged to share my life with others for that long all together. It might not be directly equivalent, but it's certainly more relationship time/skills/experience than I would have gotten as a mono person by this age, no matter how aggressively I put time and energy into that single relationship.

Here is why I still think it's "easier" to be poly: When something comes up, I have the tools in the toolbox to work it through, even if it is darned complex. There are times where I look at a situation and feel a period of despair, that it's too much to handle, too hard, and then a little piece falls into place, and a lover shares a piece of wisdom with me that helps something else become clearer, maybe I am able to identify an underlying issue, then draw a parallel to a previous set of circumstances, and pretty soon the snowball is rolling down the hill without me pushing it the whole way. I'm just flat out better resourced than I would be otherwise.

So, even with what can feel like the whole world telling me I'm crazy to being doing something so very "hard", I am happy to be poly, because, for me, it's the gift to myself that keeps on giving.

New configurations

2010-04-29T20:55:00.001-07:00

One of the hot topics, and most confusing things about having a conversation with anyone poly, is figuring out how to track all the various relationship connections, and how those configurations impact various people, particularly in the event of a change in relationship status. For example: I've had several people ask me if there are any "rules" about who is off limits for dating, given the split between PG and I, or if they need to "pick a side". The answers to those questions are: yes, and no, in that order.

To the first question: Yes, we've had a policy about not dating the same people for a while because we figured out quite some time ago that it didn't work well for us. That seems like a reasonable strategy to continue with, at least at this point. Who knows? Some time down the road, it may seem perfectly reasonable to date the same person, but this isn't that time!

To the second: No, neither of us are soliciting a split in our circle of friends or community. One of the things that has been wonderful has been the lack of antipathy, and the all-round support for each of us as individuals, without seeing a significant division. It helps that we've managed to keep things pretty amicable.

I've got an amazing support network, and have huge amounts of gratitude for each and every person that has asked me to have coffee, grab lunch, just talk, anytime I need it. To those who have held me when I cry, listened to me grieve, rant, or tried to work through potential scenarios, a huge thanks! For the few, the proud, the brave, who have kicked me in the ass in the moments where self-pity was highest in my thoughts, I owe you a big one.

The ways that this change in the relationship that PG and I share is impacting others is just beginning to settle in. There are certainly some people that are going to be more comfortable being closer with one or the other of us, and likely others that are going to want to back away to wait for the dust to settle. All in all though, it's going well, with a minimum of fuss.

We all have examples of how relationships can blow up spectacularly, causing collateral damage to those around them. My hope is to feel all that is important to feel, and still respond in a way that is minimally corrosive to those around me, most particularly, our daughter, and the rest of my household members and partners. In poly networks, there are even more people potentially impacted by a dissolution in a relationship, and an opportunity to create options that don't include nuclear fallout. While I'm not quite sure how all of that may look as we move forward, it is firmly my goal to not salt the ground on which I stand, because a lot of others eat here as well.

Figure Skating and Polyamory

2010-04-20T15:20:00.001-07:00

Our daughter took up figure skating a year or so ago, and it's been going swimmingly well! She's very enthusiastic about it, and, although I don't relish freezing my ass off on a regular basis, it seems that the things that she's learning in the sport are applicable to many aspects of life, and to poly, particularly if you have any perfectionist leanings, as I do! ;)

So how, you may ask, is figure skating like polyamory? Well, even when some one's enthusiastic about it, there's a distinct learning curve involved. A common way to learn a skill is to flub it. Repeatedly. Continue to analyze what could have been done better, and keep trying. Persistence and resilience are absolutely key. You will fall down, you will get hurt. It's the getting back up and continuing to try that is important.

Skills build on each other, so this is why going through the early stages of poly (OPP's, lots of rules to maintain the "safety" of a specific relationship, unicorn hunting etc) is almost a needed step in the process. To learn what does work, often one must try out what doesn't work first. Some people are very happy learning a few basic skills, and like skating at that level. If you're really happy and content with knowing a couple of spins and a small jump or two, is there really a reason to push yourself to be able to throw a double axle? Perhaps not, but for some, the drive for a high level of performance is there, and finding a good "coach" to help you learn and fine-tune skills will accelerate the speed at which you are able to learn new things. In poly, that can look like mentors, support and discussion groups, books, and counseling. I feel driven, as a teacher and student, and often learn by sharing with others.

In skating, even the most accomplished of skaters crash and fall on a pretty regular basis when trying something complex. At other times, even an unseen divot in the ice, or small break in concentration can be detrimental. In poly, no matter how good your relationship skills are, there are factors that are still beyond control, and beating yourself up over a crash isn't the most useful response. There is a program, elements that must be performed. When a fall happens in a competition, getting up and continuing forward is met with applause, because we all recognize how challenging it can be to just pick yourself up and keep going, particularly when people are there to see you fall. It's not the fall that is appreciated, it's the courage to keep going when embarrassment, disappointment and pain would make it feel much easier to slink off the ice. It's making yourself vulnerable by having people observing.

To those observing here: I am dusting the ice off my shapely bottom and going forward with my program. Some day, I'm going to land that stinking triple axle, and maybe a triple/triple combination, then spin until I puke! There are many things that I still have to share, and to learn.

Look out! It's the poly fuzz!

2010-04-09T20:13:00.000-07:00

A continuing conversation that I've had with quite a number of people involves the idea of sticking your nose into other people's relationship choices. One example that seems to come up pretty regularly is a poly person dating someone who is either cheating on another partner, or in a Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Is it ethical, unethical, or just not your business? Are you "policing" someones relationship by opting out because they aren't being honest with another partner?

The justification I fed myself for the six years I was involved in a DADT was that it wasn't my relationship, not my job to legislate what happened in their relationship with each other, and therefore, perfectly okay for me to have a relationship with this man who I love. I still believe that the first portion of the sentence, right up to "therefore" is about on target. It's the second portion, about it being fine for me to be in that relationship, that I no longer buy into, regardless of the love.

So many things that aren't optimal fall through the cracks based on the apathy of, "It's not my business.". In a relationship structure where each and every person's actions potentially impact those surrounding them, it's worse than foolish to stick your head in the sand and hope for the best.

It isn't my job to tell someone else what to do within their relationship(s), but it is my job to understand what kinds of relationships work for me, and be able to screen for that. Honesty and openness work best for me, so I don't choose to become involved emotionally with those who aren't in that space currently.

Walking Through Gardens

2010-04-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

I believe character is illustrated through commitment and stamina.

Many examples come to mind. Runners who train hard and compete every chance they can. Writers who push themselves through thousands of pages of tedium and bore to earn their voice. The oldest among us returning to college so they might finally receive their degree.

And they may never win. They might never publish anything worth a damn. They may simply retire after earning their degree.

We are quick to relate success to trophies, medals, published books, diplomas; vestiges; artifacts; money; certificates and relationships. We find success in the trappings of what's found at the end of something than within something, as if the long process had little to do with the reward. The journey just a time before reaching our destination.

Nothing's easy. Relationships certainly. Polyamory more so. This isn't a lifestyle for wimps. It a exposes our naked vulnerabilities in very critical and painful ways to many people, and forces us to embrace ideas that others - monogamists - just shut out, ignore, turn-away from, or disregard because they are, in fact, overwhelming and challenging. It's an idea about Love where we might transcend the complex tapestry of ownership, jealousy, fear, anger, pettiness, and joy and see ourselves for who we honestly are. We embrace the difficult journey because of what we might learn on the road; in enthusiasm for who we might become.

My two best friends announced they were separating last week. There's nothing easy in that. Not for anyone. And there'd be those critics of Polyamory who'd look at a marriage at its end and say the outcomes speak for themselves; that the end was ruinous and the time spent within it was pointless. Polyamory didn't make things happily ever after; it was the instrument of catastrophe.

In retrospect, maybe I took the easier way out to end my marriages: drawing documents, setting timelines and court-dates, separating property. Relatively speaking, that was easy. Quick, efficient. The Law provides a means of resolving the matter. But it had little to do with my character.

The harder way would have been to stay, to listen, to work out the smaller of details, and try; push for a few feet and then be brought back a yard; to hear, be heard, and restate all of the ugly truths that make us cringe; to re-hash and re-think and recycle all of the pain. Easier to shut off the lights, close the door, and leave, than to stay. That's what I did. My friends did it differently, though. They tried, tried, and tried again. And in my own marriages, I did nothing of the sort. I wasn't that brave.

Inasmuch, I'd be the first to defend their character, and bear witness to their commitment and stamina. Their journey together will make their life apart even more fulfilling. And in my way of seeing things, there isn't an end here, but a maturing, an evolution, a change, that will grow something more between them than what was possible within the garden of their marriage.

I've no doubt: Polyamory ... flourishes.

s1m0n

Active or passive?

2010-04-04T09:19:00.000-07:00

There are a few models that I've observed in relationship dynamics regarding support of one's partner(s). One idea is that, as each of us are responsible for our own emotions, the support that a partner provides comes from the sidelines. Let's say that A is struggling with feeling jealous/insecure over a new connection with C that B is forming. B would listen to A talk about what that was like, then encourage A to get past that, without changing anything about their own behaviors, or considering that they might share a responsibility to help their partner through that tough spot. Your issues, your emotions, you deal with it. Passive support.

Another idea that is my personal preferred setting is that, in the same circumstances, B would not only listen to A, but they would mutually form a plan, perhaps even including C, to help A work through those uncomfortable feelings. This wouldn't be done by avoiding triggering A by cutting off contact with C, but by providing a higher level of support or additional reassurance to A, making the budding relationship with C feel more safe and positive. Active support.

The third option that I've seen utilized is that when A feels uncomfortable with B's connection with C, B is expected to sever that connection, so that only the most nonthreatening relationships are allowed to continue. This is pretty classic avoidance, and based on the idea that the original couple is paramount, and anything/one that pushes up against that safety bubble should be ejected. This is most often seen early on in people's poly experience, or following a very poor experience, when there is still significant healing left to be done. Avoiding support.

Let's get into scenario #2, since it's my favorite! An example from my current life is that S and I are both involved with JA, but, as I've been somewhat involved with the transition in my relationship with PG for the past several months, they feel further advanced in the relationship emotionally than she and I do. They've had more time together, more intimacy, and are happily romping through some significant NRE! That's been bumping up against my fears about being left or replaced, or that maybe S will find himself gravitating towards emotional serial monogamy, and so we've been looking at those concerns together.

Fortunately for me/us, JA is very interested in working on a growing sustainable connection with each of us, as well as a three person dynamic that has a stable foundation. Also wonderful, S is cognizant of my current emotional challenges, and wants to invest in making sure that I feel valued and important in his life, even in the throes of his NRE. For my part, I don't want to be a limiting factor on their connection, and my focus isn't on feeling good about everything all the time, nor am I interested in martyring myself because I "should" be fine with whatever choices my partners desire.

So how does that look? It looks like a lot of conscious, vulnerable, honest communication. It looks like sharing when something feels unsafe to me, and asking for additional reassurance or clarification on what's happening. It looks like showing my places of weakness (and I really hate to feel weak!), and bringing up having feelings that are related primarily to past experiences and other people. It looks like continuing to grow the relationship that JA and I share, and being aware that she has her own challenges entering such a strong dyad connection during a period of great change. We are all wearing multiple hats with each other: as a partner, a metamour, and as part of a triad. It is a VERY active process of support for each of us. This wouldn't be workable if everyone wasn't putting into the pot, and providing for each other.

Relationships aren't "sink or swim" structures. The times where I've seen people rise above their own past experiences, they've put a huge amount of effort into that process, and one of the most helpful ways to accelerate that process is by having friends, partners and/or family that do more than say, "Sorry you're having a hard time/feeling that way." and wait for their loved one to figure things out on their own. When someone is struggling, toss them a float, hold them above the water. Show them how to swim, and celebrate when they cross the English Channel of emotional challenges, or even just make it over the puddle that looks really big.

Endings

2010-03-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

It is with mixed feelings that I write this post. After 16 years, PG and I have decided to end our relationship as partners. There will be more decompression to come, I am sure, but at this time, I can share that we are moving in different directions in our lives, and our course is no longer parallel in ways that would make this a successful connection.

Polyamory, and cohabiting with S, are neither the least, nor the greatest, of contributing factors to this decision. At this point, neither of those things are changing for any of us. This isn't a contentious separation, and we are committed to finding ways to continue forward in a purposefully kind manner with one another. There are no sides, no good guy/bad guy. Just differences in desires and dreams.

I will continue with this blog, which has been most useful to me over the past two years, and with my journey in poly. One of the greatest blessings to me has been the support and love that has flowed from the community to support us in this transition. Particularly valued has been the offers of support and caring extended towards the kids. Thank you all.

In the dark.

2010-03-22T09:26:00.001-07:00

Ok, I'm going to do my level best to keep this from becoming a rant. This morning, I was reading the "Alternative Lifestyles" forum on OKC, and noticed a thread started by a woman that was seeking advice on how to handle her partner dating people that aren't up to her standards of physical beauty. That just fried my bacon! On so many levels, there's work to be done here.

I'll totally cop to having personal baggage on this issue. I was the kid back in high school that couldn't get a date. I was awkward, too tall, too curvy, too smart, too socially inept, and wore glasses, braces, and clothes that weren't trendy or expensive. I was in the band, and the Honor Society, and didn't have an ounce of athletic talent. In short, I was a late bloomer.

Later in life, I began working directly with a wide variety of people on a consistent basis, and here's what I found: The absence of adversity often equals the absence of character. Yep, all the prom queens, jocks, and just generally "pretty people" are at a severe disadvantage when it comes to being interesting, compassionate, having good communication skills, and being likable in general. In short, they often make bad partners because they've never had to work at it to get positive attention from others. The exceptions to this have been people who had other personal challenges in life that forced them to do some growing, and they are lovely people inside and out.

Back to our, self-described, superficial non-monogamous woman who says, regarding her partner's recent dating choices, "i didn't want to be intimate with him because of it. i felt nauseas went i got close to him". (insert cleansing breath here) She also says that she would like to find a more healthy way to deal with this feeling, so kudos there. What is a bit unclear is what that means to her. Does it mean that she wants to find a way to get over being superficial and controlling, or does it mean that she wants to find a way to manipulate her partner to do what she wants and only date people that meet her "standards"?

Here's the main thing I REALLY dislike about this thread: It isn't about who her partner is choosing to date, it's about how she feels being associated with them on any level. After all, he picked her, and he picked them, so what does that say about her? Is he in the habit of "settling"? He isn't asking her to be intimate with anyone, and in fact, has gone to the extreme of not introducing people to her, likely to avoid the possibility of snarky comments and bitching. It's not as though he's even asking her to hang out with people that she doesn't find attractive enough to be seen with in public. Call a spade a spade: This is about control. What if these other women, despite not being as attractive in a conventional sense than she thinks she is, are more attractive to her partner in some way? What if it points out the real truth? It doesn't matter how hot someone is if they don't have other qualities that allow a relationship to feel good to everyone involved. Things like compassion, wit, kindness, safe touch, positive communication, and not being bigoted.

What if her partner falls for someone who isn't as hot? What does she have left? Sex appeal? Guess what else I found out over the years of open dating? The hottest people generally are the most boring sex partners. "Do me" girls, who expect that just their sheer hotness should have people dropping in orgasmic bliss, and men with big cocks that think that's enough to evaporate panties, despite the lack of ability to put together a complete sentence or perform oral sex well.

We all have our preferences for physical beauty. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I have my types as well. You'd be hard-pressed to figure them out by looking at the people I date though. They are tall, short, heavy, thin, good teeth, bad teeth, blond, brunette, curly haired, and no-haired. That's because physical looks are so far down on the partner selection list that it's barely a factor. If I like some one's intellect, humor, the way they touch, the way they communicate themselves, there is ALWAYS something that I can find attractive about them physically. If I like all those things, the way their teeth look, or if they have cellulite on their ass, or if they're scrawny, fall farther away from being important.

Here's what's important to me in my partner's dating choices: They treat each other well and find value in the connection. Above and beyond that, if my metamour and I happen to also get along well, fantastic! If they treat my partner like shit, I could give a rat's ass if they're a perfect 10 who stops traffic and gets us all into the hottest venues with VIP passes, and I wouldn't be interested in continuing a partnership with someone that was willing to put up with poor treatment to have arm candy.

The Ugly Duckling days are past for me, and more people would consider me attractive than not, but I don't forget where I came from, and what it felt like to not be publicly dated based purely on the size of my jeans, or the thickness of my glasses. What's important to me is that my partners like who I am in the dark.

Never Go Shopping Hungry!

2010-03-16T15:48:00.001-07:00

So, you're off to the grocery store to obtain foodstuffs! What is the first rule of grocery shopping? Never go grocery shopping hungry! Why, you ask? Because when you go grocery shopping hungry, chances are significantly higher that you will come back home with WAY too much food, and lower quality items that are impulse related. Yet, people find themselves "shopping" for new partners in a "hungry" state of being rather often, it seems, and are surprised when the choices they make aren't perhaps the most optimal.

Well sure, if we could just all have everything we want already available, there wouldn't be a need to go shopping hungry, right? I'm sure some of you out there are thinking that I've got such a full boat anyways, that this isn't something I've had to deal with much. After all, I've got the whole "semi-attractive bi female" thing working in my favor, so that must mean that I can pick up whoever I want, whenever I want, to do whatever I'd like. Hah! Ridiculous. Even I, with broad tastes and desires, still seek out the specific attention of a particular person, and feel "hungry" if that is denied me.

So, how does one deal with that? For me, I ask for the reassurance and feeding that I desire from my partners. If it's something that they are unwilling or unable to provide, then I try to fill up in other ways. Let's say that I have a partner that isn't that kink-oriented, but really likes to snuggle. This gives me the option to really fill up on snuggling, and look to other sources for kink. The trick is to not go looking without having filled up on something first. It's kind of like that odd scene in "Something About Mary" where the dude jacks off just prior to the date so he doesn't give off crazy horny vibes while trying to get to know her. It isn't that he stops wanting the sex, it's that he's at least sated enough to function well.

Even if it takes a lot more for me, I am capable of finding ways to fill up that don't involve others. Reading, writing, pampering myself with a bath or pedicure, fixing a special snack, or petting my dogs are all things I use to self-soothe as needed. Well, and masturbation, but that's just part of the landscape. ;) Once I've gotten to my center, it's much easier to go looking for companionship, or to have a date, and know that my "picker" is going to be online. This saves me from a great many short relationships, poor choices, and repeating of mistakes.

Being able to fill up means that I am able to better appreciate the unique qualities that each person I interact with brings to the table, and desire them for who they are, not what I need from them. Some are quiet and relaxing, others engage and hype me up. Some like going deep, while others enjoy casual connection and flirtation. Some are very sexual, and others deeply spirit-oriented. All are valued and wanted for who they are, what they bring to the table, and how we enhance each other's lives.

Be Hungry! Fullness isn't the same as apathy, and without desire, not much happens in life. If you are hungry, be fully aware of that, and caution yourself in making decisions that would satisfy parts of your hunger. If you REALLY want a burger, settling for a sandwich is only going to take you so far. One can manage to stay true to one's hungers, with attention and conscious effort. It's worth the time to learn what you want on your personal menu, and worth the effort and expense to shop for the best quality ingredients to cook with. Velveeta isn't cheese, and a sub-optimal partner isn't going to get the job done either. Be the Martha Stewart of your personal life!

Sex Hobbit

2010-03-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

In keeping with the habits of hobbits, I think I may be a bit of a "sex hobbit". Breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, etc, etc, etc. No, I am not claiming to be a sexual addict of any sort. I am quite capable of setting aside screaming orgasms to attend to work, parental duties, walk the dogs, clean house, or have regular conversation with people, but really, in the grand scheme of things, who would rather be scrubbing toilets when they could be enjoying the many flavors of loving available to them?

So many people try to separate sexuality from polyamory, as though it is dirty to be motivated by sexuality. Well, I think that's bunk! I really enjoy sexual activities, and integrating them with loving, connected relationships is where life is really lived well., in my opinion.

With that as my base, it was a bit surprising to notice that I was having a reluctance response to the idea of "really" having sex with some of my newer connections. As long as pelvic bits weren't contacting each other, I was in the clear, I wasn't really having a relationship with someone, we were just dating, and thinking about things. I wasn't responsible to them for much. At some point, it started to really feel a bit silly. Here we are, having deep intimate conversations, enjoying hot sexy interactions, many of them naked, doing things that most people would consider definitely sexual, but as long as no one strapped on a dildo, or put on a condom, it wasn't for real? What kind of sex-negative programming am I working with here?

Well, there's the whole slutty thing. Some part of me felt pretty righteous about the idea that, while I might be dating 6 people, I was only really having sex with two. Then there's the fear part, where I didn't/don't know if I can keep that many balls in the air at once, so why not take things slow, and see who sticks? Back to feeling silly. Maybe a bit controlling even. Why would I look to withhold myself sexually? To keep the upper hand? To stay safe? No one is trying to use me, or hurt me, or do anything but share pleasure and intimacy with me.

To cut myself a bit of slack, it's not like I've been turning down sexual requests, more like everyone is just being very organic and relaxed about the pacing on things, and I haven't been driving it. Perhaps that's part of it: I'm used to being the "Giver of Permission" on when to have sex, and since no one is asking for immediate advancement to that level, and I haven't been pushing it either, it's feeling a bit rudderless. So, being the sexual hobbit that I am,, and apparently a bit of a control freak, I have put requests on line to take things to that space. To be more truthful, I have plans to do that, have already crossed a Rubicon or two, and the world hasn't fallen apart, and no one's been popping up from the hedges with a sign that says what a huge slut I am.

So, I shall continue forward, embracing my hungers, diverse and voracious as they are, and knowing that it won't be the end of the world if I misstep. I can count on those I share my life with to take care of themselves, and can enjoy the full range of connections available to me.

Cravings

2010-02-28T16:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a very busy couple of months, with the culmination of several proto-connections and friendships moving more into relationship territory. At latest count, I am currently dating 6 people, and I'm not quite sure exactly how that happened, except that it all seemed a very good idea at the time! ;) This is approximately double my most ambitious dating pool to date, so uncharted territory.

While things are going pretty smoothly, I find that there is a particular thing that, while I was aware of it previously, is becoming even more obvious: I have specific desires to spend time with people, unique to the individuals, regardless of whatever additional social richness I may be experiencing.

This past week, PG wasn't feeling particularly well, and was a bit less accessible than usual. This coincided with S being VERY busy with work, to the exclusion of most everything and everyone. While I had some really wonderful opportunities to connect with others of emotional import in my life, I still found myself missing PG and S, despite seeing them blow through the shared space on a semi-regular basis.

It's like when you have a particular desire for a specific food item. You can eat other things, and they can taste good (and I am talking REALLY GOOD here!), but it still doesn't seem to dissipate the craving for the original item of desire. I really like what I have going at home, and as fun and exciting as the NRE and explorations with others are, I still deeply desire those mainstay connections in my life.

Once you've gone into the place of looking at people as roles that they can fill in your life, it's easy to start to extend those expectations we've been talking about onto them, to try to fit them into the box that would be most convenient. For example, the connection with Z and T, which started as me presenting myself to them as an interested unicorn, has shifted to accommodate the individuals and personalities involved, and is a more fluid thing that involves Z's child and ours connecting on a friendship level. D recently moved out of the "friend box" and into a more open zone that isn't nearly as solidly defined, and is more emotionally open. JA, who is dating S and I both, was someone that I considered a "near miss" on relationship territory, until her interest in S brought her back into closer orbit again, close enough to grow a more solid connection between all concerned .

Sometimes, we talk about the idea of poly being useful in exploring dynamics that don't fit into existing relationships, being able to meet needs that aren't being addressed in a current connection. At some point, that can begin to look as though you are treating people as cogs in your "Relationship Needs" listing. "I have a spot open for one more bisexual female lover!" instead of, "Wow, I really connect well with this person, and am interested in finding them a unique space in my life.".

So, I crave my individual partners, even when there's so much going on that it makes my head spin, and I want to keep that recognition of what each person is bringing to the table, and how I enjoy spending time and emotion with them. I want to continue to be cognizant of the deep and profound ways that PG and S, in particular, are important to me, because the role of the domestic partner isn't always the flashiest, coolest, or most fun, but that doesn't diminish the impact in the least.

Does new = less than?

2010-02-23T15:02:00.001-08:00

There's a conversation thread that sparked my interest recently regarding the idea of "secondary" partners not being able to come into existing relationships as equals. This was seen as a negative, or something to be overcome by the metamour not directly dating the new person.

While not an adherent to hierarchical poly myself at this point, it can be useful to recognize that there _will_ be differences in relationships based on many factors, one of which can be longevity and shared experiences. Someone that plugs into an existing relationship of any length, and expects to be on equal footing immediately, is likely to be disappointed. This certainly doesn't preclude the possibility of growing into that space, but some patience in growing those relationship bonds is likely to be hugely appreciated by preexisting partners.

Each relationship requires some time to find its own footing and depth, which is often confused with the intensity that marks NRE. Take the time to give all concerned an opportunity to form a firm foundation of mutual appreciation and shared experience, and the sense of equity can naturally grow within a structure that has that as a goal.

If you, a person looking to gain a new partner, are entering a situation where the pre-exisiting couple isn't interested in getting to a place of equity, let's hope that it isn't a goal for you either! If it is, bring it up early and often with all concerned. If that doesn't appear mutual across the board, the time to get out is now. Banging your head up against a metamour that is zealously guarding "their" partner is a great way to learn to hate poly!

There are many who enjoy less intensive relationships involving fewer overt responsibilities. I'm involved in several of those, where the relationship goals don't currently include things like cohabitation, raising kids together, or being day in-day out partners. There's nothing that says that may not come up in the future, but for now, this is what we are all interested in and agreed upon. This doesn't make them less than, but they are different from the relationships that I share with my live-in partners. That's my reality as it currently stands.

Intimacy

2010-02-18T17:19:00.000-08:00

What is intimacy? For me, intimacy is feeling free to share who I am; my feelings, thoughts, dreams, responses, needs, and desires with another who is respectful of that vulnerability. Another who values that trust as a precious resource.

I'm a pretty open person in general, as you may have already guessed reading through these posts, so there aren't a lot of things that fall under the category of "too intimate" for me to share with someone, which just makes the things that do fit under that umbrella even more significant. Part of intimacy is sharing the pieces of self that aren't totally shiny, perhaps the things that have been damaged in the past, or areas that I desire growth in myself. It's being able to say, "Look, I know I don't have this down just yet, and I want to work that through. I'll need your support and love to hold me up when it would feel safer to just revert to what I know." and know that the weak spot will be treated with respect, and that my partner will nudge me gently if I am falling down on something. It is not enabling, but it is reinforcing.

Intimacy means that I don't have to be perfect all the time, that I can let down my guard and drop the facades that are part of daily life, the things that protect me from the outside world. It means that I can delve into my inside world, and have company on that journey. It means that I am safe being hurt, or being pleasured; being submissive, egalitarian, or dominant.

Intimacy is reciprocal. It only works well if all parties concerned are putting into the pot, if everyone desires to be close, to be real and unvarnished with each other. Just listening, while not giving of self, can feel intimate, but it lacks the give and take of a shared experience to back it up.

Recently, Z was sharing that she used to have prospective partners read her live journal before delving into relationship with them, but started to notice that it was leading to preconceived notions, based on feelings or experiences that were well into the past for her, rather than building the intimacy that she desired. The new person would feel like they already knew her, without doing the "giving of self" that is part of reciprocal intimacy.

For me, intimacy is best grown in an inclusive environment of conscious choice and desire to share. It is shared experiences, shared thoughts, shared pain, and shared joys. It is a beautiful thing to have with others, and I am blessed with several "intimates" in my life. Let's hear it for poly!

Lioness

2010-02-12T11:43:00.001-08:00

Last night, many of the members of our local poly community decided to invade a kink night at a swing club. This was pretty boundary pushing for several of the attendees, as they'd either never been to a club that identifies first and foremost as a place for people to have sex out, or had never been to a public event that was geared primarily towards bdsm play and energy. I've done both, and find that mixing those types of activity work well for me, but had plans to play with others that were in one or both of the above camps.

My interest in kink has been something that has kind of tweaked PG when I started exploring that several years ago. Initial explorations were often within the context of the bi/lesbian community, as that coincided with the point in time that I was most interested in delving into connections with other women. That didn't seem to hit as many buttons for him, I'm guessing largely because I did most of the topping at that point, so didn't have a lot of marks, or power dynamics that bled into his sphere of interaction with me. Out of sight, out of mind.

S and I have been going around since the very beginning of our relationship with bdsm conversations. His initial impression when we started dating was that my experiences far exceeded his own, and that would translate out into not be satisfied with "normal" sex, or that I would constantly be pushing for something new, bigger, more flashy, to do in bed. After noticing that I do just fine with vanilla stuff, that concern seemed to subside. Right up until I started dating in the past several months, and without exception, all of the others I'm dating share an interest in kink. As a matter of fact, I'd say that they're all probably more versed and experienced within that sphere, and that it is a positive factor in my decision to date them.

While I wouldn't consider either PG or S to be pure vanilla, neither are they avidly interested in bdsm. This is one of the things I find helpful about having poly relationships: They don't need to be, because I can enjoy that with others. S would like to understand more about what that looks like for me, and how I interact with others, and I find myself a bit reluctant to expose myself that way. I think this goes back to the fear of being seen differently by my partner, as perverse (in a bad way), or otherwise damaging the emotional components of our relationship by showing my dark side.

I'm clear that I do have a darker side. Causing pain doesn't bother me in the least, and I enjoy the challenge of seeing how far I can push someone consensually towards the limits of what they can handle. Being in charge feels very natural, and can be at odds with my egalitarian ideals within my poly relationships. At the same time, I'm switchy. Receiving sensation, putting myself in the hands of another trusted partner, has a great deal of appeal. As does someone "making" me do things that I would cringe at as being too slutty to embrace on my own power.

So I go to this event last night, and I have solid plans to play with D in a specifically negotiated way. This was going to be a first experience playing together. S was going to be joining us later in the evening, and had originally requested that my scene with D be completed by the time he was due to arrive. Late in the afternoon, he changed his mind, and opted to come along for the whole event, and to try to understand more about what I found appealing. The three of us arrive together, and I split off to begin the scene with D, not having assimilated that S really wanted to watch the scene. So he felt excluded and disconnected about something that was already a bit scary/new.

I emerged from my time with D, which went very well, and noticed that S wasn't looking so happy. We talked a bit, explored what happened, and decided to attempt to move forward with the evening. Apparently, that involved some penance and punishment for my "transgression", and I was most heinously made to regret my lack of understanding, with an audience. Yeah, he isn't kinky at all. :P

The rest of the evening passed in a haze of sensation, connection and community. There is something very comforting to me to be held down and seen by others while enjoying the attentions of my partner(s). We got a big cuddle pile going in a group area, and I was floating from all the places I'd been energetically and physically in a short few hours. I topped, dominated, bottomed and submitted, exhibited, was shown off, and took the energy of the place and people around me and tossed it back with explosive response. At the end of the night, I felt connected to most of the people that I wanted to be connected with that evening, and expressed firm intentions to make up the lack with those I missed out on. It was a great night, even with the misses in communication early on, and I am looking forward to exploring more, and getting past feeling discomfort around this topic. I'm a lioness. If you're brave, you can put yourself at my mercy, attempt to guide that wild energy, or both!

The Risk Scale

2010-02-07T16:41:00.000-08:00

I've been stewing on this topic for a long time. In my mind, the most core concept to the practice of poly is risk. We encounter risk every day just going to our jobs and conducting our daily activities. Those who live in war-torn countries are even more familiar with that sense of risk on a daily basis.

We as poly folk tend to encounter it more often than those in the mono world. We risk emotionally and we risk physically. Each person will have a different sense of what acceptable risk means to them and that notion is subject to change over time -- in either direction. But indeed, there is a continuum of risk and if you are in poly for any length of time, I can almost guarantee you that you WILL encounter people who have a different concept of risk -- emotionally and/or physically -- and that WILL cause some degree of friction. Hopefully it will be resolved quietly and without much drama, but the more profound the difference, the higher the chance you will see sparks as your concepts meet.

Most people come into poly through relationships that don't have the opportunity to match risk-assessment as a partner criteria. Our community is a smaller slice of a larger pool of potential people to date and chances are that the people we meet will have different ideas of risk. We're often thrust into situations that force us into positions that make us face this issue head on. If you don't encounter it directly with partners, you're bound to encounter it across metamor relations.

But hey, I'm a RPG gamer and that tends to encourage me to take abstract concepts and boil them down into more discrete bits that can be managed and talked about. Let's see if we can add some language to talk about the issue. The following are the general risk stances I can see people taking:

1) RISK PARANOID: This end of the scale sees people who want a sense of direct control over every aspect of their life. Generally these people would not even consider being Polyamorous. If you find them -- Run far. Run fast.

2) RISK ADVERSE: These are the generally the most conservative people in the poly community. You'd find them engaging in Polyfidelitous relationships with lots of rules/gates/structures to support risk management.

3) RISK CAUTIOUS: These people exercise restraint and while they may or may not have a lot of rules about interaction, they do have some benchmarks for behavior and they usually are vigilant about checking in with partners and metamors.

4) RESPECTFUL HEDONIST: These people at least mildly individualistic free agents, but they are honorable and will do their best to adhere to pre-arranged agreements. However, they will generally be cautious about agreeing to too many conditions that constrain their activity.

5) GENERAL HEDONIST: These people are pretty strongly individualistic and unlikely to consider any agreements that take into account relationships beyond their direct partners. Metamors are largely left to fend for themselves.

6) RAMPANT HEDONIST: These people are concerned only for their direct pleasure. Anything that interferes with that is a bad thing. Even the safety of their direct partners don't factor into their world view. Yes, with these types -- Run Far. Run Fast.

I'll wager that most people you will encounter in the poly world will be 3's and 4's. But even though that doesn't seem very far apart, you will probably encounter friction. People will have different ideas about how to relate to your sense of emotional safety and they will also have different ideas about how to deal with your personal safety. Emotional safety generally takes place with managing jealousy and expectations. Physical safety is largely the domain of STD management.

I've already talked too long about risk in general. But I strongly encourage you all to talk to your partners and metamors about both emotional and physical risk. Consider what it means when your partner encounters someone who really excites them and they get lost in NRE. Consider what happens when you or your partner encounters a person with a STD and becomes emotionally vested in them (or a previously STD-free partner becomes infected). These things are real. They're where the rubber meets the road -- where theory meets practice.

Expectation management

2010-02-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

When people get into a relationship, there are often expectations that come into play. It could be fairly reasonable things, like communicating well, or being honest, considering physical safety, or doing what you say you'll do. Or, it could be things that are much more subjective, like a particular style of relationship, sharing the same priorities, or feeling the same way about the connection. When things get rough is when those expectations are "violated" by the person to whom they are being attached, who is often either oblivious at the differences in perspective, or hasn't made any agreement to live according to those expectations.

So, how does one deal with that? One of the ideas I've seen espoused is to dispense with expectations entirely. Frankly, while this sounds good in theory, it seems a bit less connected to reality to be workable. Expectations have some value, as long as they are MUTUAL. They can provide a more predictable landscape within a relationship, which ties in with a sense of safety. Mutual expectations can give direction to a relationship, as people are able to work towards goals and shared perspectives. The key is that word "mutual". Projecting your expectations on others may work out for a while, as coincidence and NRE play together to buffer differences, but there will come a point where, unless you actually agree on what expectations are part of your relationship, things will hit a speed bump of potentially monumental proportions.

For example: If someone is more community poly and they are dating someone who is more free-agent poly, there are likely to be some significant differences in desired relationship parameters. One partner who wants to be part of an extended family isn't likely to be happy at being kept in the background by someone who would rather maintain a "separate, but equal" expectation for their dating life. Unless this is brought out into the open, examined, and a mutually acceptable solution is negotiated, things are about to get bumpy! Personally, I would rather have expectations to live up to, rather than down to, but I'd like to know what I'm shooting for as well!

Another option for expectation management is to apply expectations only to oneself. This may look like knowing: who you want to be, what you want to give to others, and holding good solid boundaries on your emotions. It can be very challenging when there are differences in emotional intensity, for example, but as long as all concerned are sharing where they are at, the opportunities to put expectations onto someone else are minimal. This has been one that I've fallen down on in the past, and keep on my radar screen regularly as a skill that isn't automatic for me.

However you choose to handle expectation management, do handle it! This isn't one of those things that is just going to go away if you fail to recognize it, and it is something that can have deep and lasting impact on your relationships.

An Embarrassment of Riches, or, Polysaturation.

2010-01-22T13:30:00.000-08:00

I'm full up. Really. Totally. Completely. It's a good feeling, and one that stretches me. Of course, I kind of like being stretched in good ways, so that's working! ;) If you'd told me that about six months ago, I wouldn't have thought it likely. Granted, I've never really had issues finding interested parties, but interesting, highly-skilled, smart, non-flaky people that put in just like they take out, looking for sustainable long-term connections, well, those are a bit harder to come by! Oh yes! And all local! THAT takes some doing as well!

So, what's a woman to do when surrounded by so many luscious opportunities? Be grateful. That's where I'm starting from. I'm grateful that I have two fantastic men, PG and S, that I love deeply, to live with, be family with, and handle all the niggling necessities of life alongside. I'm grateful that the couple I've been dating, T and Z, moved to this area a few months ago. I'd been getting to know them in bits and pieces online for quite a bit prior to that, and it's created a nice streamlining as I've gotten to know them in person. They are consistently who they present as in all that I've read and heard to this point, and much more in person! I'm grateful for my friend, D, who is moving in the direction of being more than strictly platonic, who is caring and patient, and delightfully insightful in ways that I appreciate deeply.

After all that gratitude comes a bit of panic. How can I possibly do it all? Well, that's the whole point, isn't it? Since these are all adults who can take care of themselves, by and large, I just get to be the best me I can bring to the table (or bed, or couch, or whatever surface seems handy), and when someone needs something from me, they get to ask for it, and I can say yes or no! Since I have a good level of appreciation for my own giving nature, that's a pretty comfortable place to be.

Following panic, there's a bit of euphoria. It's that, "It's a cold winter night, the pantry is full, and you're snuggled up by the fire with a warm beverage, and even warmer company." sort of feeling. It's just multiplied out by a higher factor than the usual settings!

T and Z, and D are a bit more oriented towards the kinked side of the fence, so that creates more opportunities to explore that side of my sexuality than I've had in a while, and consistently with the same people, which I find most rewarding. In addition, each and every one of my partners are very cerebral, touchy feely, and emotionally aware. (sigh of contentment) Let's hear it for bringing one's game up a notch or so!

On the other hand, there's a been a smidge of disgruntlement from some people who had indicated interest in dating in the past, where the timing wasn't right. Sort of a sense that, once I decided that I was open to date, there should have been a "right of first refusal" sort of setting, where they got first shot at it. Since when do I have a obligation to make a declaration of Open Season on putting myself into the dating pool again? Actually, since I largely have been in huntress mode, that just never even occurred to me. Picture the duck, from the really old Looney Tunes cartoons, who tosses himself into the dog's mouth. That's about the size of it. Putting myself out there was a bit risky, but I've found that it generally works well for me, and at worst, someone feels flattered about my interest.

So, I head towards next weekend, when we are hosting a Poly Potluck at our home, with anticipation. Looking toward feeling a deeper sense of community, at having many of my connections, PG's and S's all here at once. T and Z are bringing a visitor along, the first of T's other partner's I'll have the opportunity to meet in the foreseeable future. PG is bringing his newest serious connection along, as well as her Sig O. The kids will be here. The dogs, well, we'll try it out! It'll be a zoo, but it'll be a fun zoo! And at some point, I will pause, look around, and acknowledge that I've got it damn good.

The last 10%

2010-01-18T10:30:00.001-08:00

When someone has been injured and they come in to see me for bodywork, it's a process of gradual improvement. There is generally a pretty steady upward curve for the first segment, and then it's down to the last 10%. The final portions of recovery are the parts that take the most time and awareness, and are usually the most frustrating. By the time the injured party is at that point in the process, they feel pretty good most of the time, and it's usually then that an important mistake happens: "You know, I've been wanting to build that retaining wall in the yard. The weather's pretty nice this weekend, so how about we just crank that out?".

The next thing I know, said client is back on the table in a condition that I may have not seen for months! When a system isn't fully healed and stabilized, doing something very strenuous can put things backwards quite a bit. It isn't because that last 10% is such a big piece of the whole, it's because that 10% is the foundation for everything else, and when it goes, everything else goes to pot in sympathy.

So, I've been thinking about this idea in connection to relationship "injuries". When there's been a trauma in a connection, taking the time to do the rehab on it is valuable, and even when things feel highly functional and positive, it may be worth considering that some of the latent injury may take time to become fully stable.

As PG and I have hit the reset button on our relationship, this is something that I want to keep in mind. To not push too hard, too quickly, to back up from something if there's a sense of strain, rather than continuing forward to prove that I can do it (whatever it is), because it may not be the right time to push ahead, because the long-term stability piece is more important to me than getting all the i's dotted, and t's crossed immediately. So, I shall attempt to allow things to find a equilibrium without managing that as actively, and listening to those little twinges before they become full-out spasms.

Pass-Fail

2010-01-16T14:12:00.001-08:00

When I tell people who don't already identify as poly about choosing this for myself, one of the usual responses is that this won't be a successful relationship model. After all, if over half of traditional marriages end in divorce, how can something that is more complex survive?

This viewpoint is based on a pass-fail way of looking at things. If you do a relationship "right", you'll be together, forever, until you die, and anything else is a failure. To that, I say: Crapola! Each and every relationship I've ever had, including the ones that would be considered failures by this measure, has taught me new skills, brought fresh perspectives, more awareness, and a more developed sense of self.

Relationships are often about learning things from others that you might not stumble across on your own, so even when it isn't something that lasts forever, there's still value in what is learned, and from what is taught in return. Some of those lessons aren't as easily accessible in a day-in, day-out relationship, others seem to require a level of consistent exposure that scours away artifice, where routine becomes a path to deeper understanding of self and other. Some of the things learned show us paths that aren't desirable, others grow even more enriching upon repetition.

Having been in a space where the dissolution of my marriage was a distinct possibility over the past several months, I've thought about that whole pass-fail dynamic a bit. I'm very happy that the reset button has been hit, and things are on a positive track, but even in the darkest time I wouldn't have seen a divorce as a failure in the sense that most would. I've been blessed to be in a wonderful relationship with a caring and supportive partner since I was 18 years of age. If it had ended or changed significantly, that wouldn't have changed. There are a great many ways that having a stable connection for my entire adult life has been beneficial, and that value doesn't just go away.

That said, one main thing I seek in a relationship is continuity, so it's something that I select for with partners. I'd rather have good long-term relationships than something fleeting, no matter how intense. The difference is that, if things don't work out as planned, it isn't a failure. It's an opportunity to learn and do better the next time. It's only if you stop trying, allow the fear of failure to limit your opportunities to love, that failure becomes part of the equation.

Community as family

2010-01-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

It's been a very stressful and challenging six months. As PG was sharing in an earlier post, things have been all over the map for him, and for us. I've leaned pretty significantly into my support networks, into S, people that I am delighted to be dating, and many of the friends that we've been able to form community with.

One of the things that has been very pivotal for me has been the response that I've gotten from these people over the past several months. When things hit a pretty intense pitch a couple weeks ago. I contacted my friends, my play partners, and let them know that I would likely be less accessible for a while. The response I was expecting was sympathy, and an offer to give me space that I might need. What I received was the sympathy, but also offers of support, repeated check-ins to make sure I was doing ok, offers to have dinner, snuggle, and invitations to be in a different space.

So many people pay lip-service to the idea of community or family. They are in it as long as it is comfortable or convenient, and when things feel less than completely pleasant, they step back to clear themselves from that space. What I am being shown is an entirely different type of community, where, even when things are less than pleasant, rather than shying away, there is stepping forward to help hold me up. I am humbled and blessed by the people in my life.

PG and I have turned the corner with our relationship, and decided that together is still a better place to be than apart, that the love is still there, that this family is worthy, and that we can each pursue individual goals and dreams within the context of being partnered/married. We are beginning again, with different skills and experiences to draw off of, and renewed commitment to each other, and I thank my community for being there for us during this trial, and invite you to share our joy in this renewal.

Over Communicating

2010-01-07T16:33:00.001-08:00

Hello. My name is Polyfulcrum, and I'm an over-communicator. (Crowd waves. "Hi, Polyfulcrum!")

Communication, communication, communication. It's a common poly mantra. What do you need to make this whole thing work? Well, good communication skills, of course! Then, there's me. I've been known to push for that extra level of information sharing, the next step in resolution, just one more concern to be addressed! For me, it's a way of sharing intimacy, to share information, to talk, to be open. For some, this can feel like control, a way of forcing intimacy, of not being content with what is freely given, since I'm implicitly asking for more.

So, having identified this as a potential problem, what can I do to move towards a solution? Well, as simple as this sounds, I can just shut the F up, listen to what is said without pushing to find out what is not said, and actually allow the conversations I share with others to remain at the level that is comfortable to them. Sometimes, people just want to have a relaxed discussion, and not wax all philosophical, and that's going to be sufficient!

There may be times where others use a lack of information sharing, or under communicating, as a means of self-protection or control as well. Being able to discern the difference between, "I'm just all talked out." and "I don't want to share with you." is a skill that is good to hone. The first seems pretty reasonable, even if it isn't something that often happens to me. The latter is not something that I want to promulgate (Thanks for bringing that vocab word back up, D!) on a relationship level.

Now, I do have several people in my orbit that are similar to me in this way. Discussing relationships, ideas, examining nuances and shades of meaning is just fascinating stuff for us! Really, never gets old. The trick is to know when to shut it off, and just enjoy sharing someones company. And if I'm REALLY in the mood to just talk my fool head off, well, I know people that are going to be willing to do that with me, and I would be well-served to seek out their company, instead of pulling out the entrails of a conversation with someone that would rather just eat the steak without really seeing that it did come from an actual animal. ;)

Training Wheels

2009-12-28T21:12:00.000-08:00

There are some things that are commonly seen in the early stages of many poly relationships. Often, they are rules or policies that are set in place in an attempt to reduce/manage insecurities, jealousy, or to maintain the "primary" couple bond as the most important. Things like One Penis or Vagina Policies, no sleeping over/travel rules, restrictions on access to other partners, limits on the number of additional partners that one is "allowed" to have, unicorn hunting, or attempts to mandate dating the same person/people. Let's call this general class of ideas "Training Wheels" for the poly person.

Training Wheels serve a valuable function for many of us. They give us a way to prevent deeper injury while we are learning new skills. They give us confidence that we can do something, even when it's a little wobbly around the edges. It's a way to feel in control of something that isn't vaguely under control, because we aren't ready to relinquish that control yet. There does come a point where the skills are there, the confidence is real, and we're ready to fly without a safety net. Keeping those policies in place at that point just slows us up, holds us down, and prevents further growth.

While there are some lucky folks out there that seem to have been hatched from poly eggs, coming straight out of the box fully plugged into the idea that personal freedom and choice in the context of relationships is self-evident, most of us have to do a bit more work to get there. The thing is, once you've gotten to the other side of the fence on something that you may have once considered a "hard limit" for you in relationships, it seems pretty obvious that it may not be the best way to do things, and when you see others who are still in that space, of course you want to bring them along to the place where they are sharing the same perspective on that issue. This is where we often hear complaints about the "Poly Police".

There isn't a "right" way to do poly, but there are ways that work better than others. If you've worked hard to find those ways, it makes sense that you'd like to share that wisdom with others, to help them avoid some of the myriad of "doesn't work so well" ideas that have been discovered.

Here's what I've noticed though: some of us just don't learn things by reading about them, we learn by stepping in it, repeatedly. Even if we are proactive enough to read through the many fantastic resources available online, in books; even if we have conversations with others who have been there, done that, got the t-shirt, sometimes, the only way to really truly understand something soul-deep, is to do it, do it badly, be hurt, hurt someone else you care for, and experience it.

So, those of you that feel peeved or offended by the Poly Police trying to "tell you how to do your relationships", understand that it is often motivated by concern, empathy, and a desire to help others avoid living some of the most painful moments they've experienced, decisions that have damaged or destroyed cherished relationships, and rules that have the opposite effect of the intended result. Think carefully about the concepts that are behind the advice, even if you aren't ready to take it yet.

Finding the right time to take off the training wheels is a personal choice, but it is one that needs to stay on the radar. Each new relationship has it's own growth curve, so it's possible that you may find it important to have certain training wheels on in one relationship, while another is perfectly fine without them. Re-evaluate often, and push against the things that you feel as limitations in your relationships in a way that is compassionate for all involved. Just like when you were learning to ride a bike as a kid, chances are pretty good you'll fall down, but the solution is still to get back on and keep trying until you get it.

Finding the track again

2009-12-28T20:58:00.000-08:00

Whew! The holidays are almost past us, thankfully. I've had the additional distractions of kids out of school, a new connection that I'm enjoying, and having my car broken into, which resulted in the loss of all my debit and credit cards, license, several gift cards, and some cash. The renters in our old house are moving out, so we need to find tenants, and/or rent that property out in short order, or face being drug into a financial hole. PG and I are still reorganizing our relationship into something different, so that takes some bandwidth too. Let's just say that it's been a busy month, so I haven't been as consistent here as I would like. Thank you all for the patience!

Oddly enough, I am still feeling pretty darn happy and generally contented with things. Sure, there are aspects that could be going better, but at the end of the day, I know, and like, who I am, so that makes things that would otherwise be terribly challenging more bearable.

So, here I am on the quest to find the track, so that I can get back on it! Let's hear it for those times in life that winnow perspective to just those things that are truly important!

Co-creations

2009-12-17T16:37:00.000-08:00

One of the facets of poly that I continue to explore is the idea that we have more options on how to deal with changes in relationship than we would most likely have access to within a more conventional relationship model. This does seems to be pretty advanced stuff, however, even for people who actively put energy into being self-aware and not following pre-determined pathways.

Most often, if a mono dyad find themselves in a space where one or more of their major needs aren't being met within the relationship, they break up, to continue on the search for "The One" who will "complete" them, and perhaps, if they're really fortunate, be able to maintain a level of civility with their Ex. It seems far more common to have a spectacular blow up, decide that someone never really loved at all, and actively avoid ever needing to interact with your formerly indispensable partner again. Neat, clean, surgical. Cut the person out of your life and move on. Let's talk about something not nearly as black and white. Staying in.

In poly, we have more choices available to us, and can create different versions of relationships than what-has-gone-before. Particularly in interwoven chains of relationships, it is often highly desirable to minimize disruption to the entire system by coming up with a form of connection that doesn't involve flame-throwers or picking up sides!

The first question to ask is if you find value in having this person continue to be a part of your life? Do you still see more positives than negatives? Has what has gone before poisoned the well for future interactions to a degree that will not allow for forward motion? Check this carefully. Unresolved stuff is often internalized, and will continue to be present in future relationships, but that doesn't mean this is going to be the best spot for you to do that work.

There are probably valid reasons that the relationship is shifting focus. So question #2 is: Are all concerned parties still vested in working on their own shit independently and cooperatively? Just saying you want to stay important to each other on some level doesn't mean that anyone is done with the stuff that brought you to this space, so with any newly redesigned connection, there is likely to be some heavy lifting that still needs to be done to move forward into a fresh perspective together. If that seems to be in mutual alignment, great!

Question #3 may look something like this: "Well, I know that what we were doing wasn't working on some level, so I don't want that!". Oh, that wasn't a question, was it? Very perceptive of you! This is where you get to ask the question: "What do I want? What do we want together?". This may sound simple, but clearing out the patterns and habits of "what has gone before" and converting it to "what is desired now" can take a bit of effort, time, and calling bullshit on each other as needed.

Once you know what you want to create together, it becomes a matter of implementation, and, as with any relationship, there may be some bumps in the road, or it could be smooth sailing. Any way you slice it, questions 1-3 are just the starting point of a process that will continue to be refined with time and shared experience. Any relationship is a living thing that requires nurturing to stay healthy, and if you've decided that the delicate, high-maintenance "orchid" you've been nurturing together really needs to be converted to a "cactus" with lower overhead, or if you are "up sizing" a connection that has grown beyond it's original bounds, there are new skills that need to be acquired.

Remember that there can be feelings of loss or grief over restructuring a relationship, as well as excitement and renewed vigor, and remain compassionate with each other. Love is a many splendored thing, so learn to enjoy the splendor of new territory together!

Create your own community!

2009-12-14T14:37:00.000-08:00

An oft heard complaint is that the poly people one runs across in an online environment, or in real life, aren't the type of poly people that one wishes to connect with. An addendum to that lament is that the existing events or groups just aren't that interesting or desirable, or that they're clique-ridden or closed to newcomers. To that I say: Go forth, and create thine own community!

How does one go about doing this, one may ask? Well, I'm glad you did, for in these few simple steps, we'll take the journey towards creating your ideal poly experience together. ;) Speaking from my own background, when I first began to look at this idea, one of the main factors holding me back was that it's way easier to be dissatisfied with something than it is to effect change by doing something about it. In short, I was reluctant to take a leadership role, put myself out there, be visible, create a target for someone else to be unhappy about my ideas. Frankly, when I started to pull together the discussion group I host, I got some flack for it. There was concern that it would cause a schism in the community, that I would dilute what already existed, and certainly, no one was going to drive all the way to the suburbs of Vancouver to participate! Considering that we get 20-30 people consistently hauling their poly butts to the 'Couve on a monthly basis, and that the other groups in the area have acutally seen a bump in their attendance, this would appear to be false.

So step number one is to get over that worry. Really. This isn't a popularity contest, there's plenty of room for many different ideas, groups, events, locations, and concepts, and yours is just as valid as anyones. Your concept may have a broad appeal, or a more narrow draw, but that's what you are interested in finding out, right?

Step number two is to figure out what you want to create. This sounds simple, until you realize that most of the ideas spring from the, "Here's what I don't like/don't want." perspective. Don't play a zero-sum game! Stop asking for what you don't want, and clarify what it is you do want. This may look like a blog that appeals to a specific portion of the poly community, like "kinky, polyfidelitous quads" or be somewhat broader, like a meet-up with no fixed agenda other than to provide face time to those who self-identify as polyamorous. Really look around and determine if there isn't an already-existing version of what you want to create. It can be just as satisfying to plug your energy into what is, rather than starting something from the ground up!

In my case, I'll use the example of the monthly discussion group I host. I wanted to have a more structured environment to discuss specific issues that would be of interest to more poly-experienced people. I didn't see that available in the community. Although there were several thriving discussion groups and meet-ups, there wasn't anything that provided the depth I was looking for. I decided that I was willing to moderate such a discussion forum.

Step number three is to handle the logistics. Figure out when, where, how many people you can accommodate. Being largely creatures of habit, picking a consistent day, time and location will greatly increase your attendance. Online, this can be a bit more loosey-goosey, although several of the online communities have specific days and times that have hosted discussions, for a more live and interactive feel. Try to see if you can set things up so that you aren't in direct competition for another event within the community. Pick a different day or week to run it in if possible.

Step number four is setting up your format. This is where you get to do the creation process. For me, that looked like setting up a list of potential topics to cover, deciding that I wanted to create a discussion outline for each meeting, and coming up with a basic introduction spiel to run through as I open each session.

Step five is execution! I started off by letting the larger community know what I was looking to do via things like craigslist, tribe.org, okcupid and the local poly mailing lists, and letting the RSVP's roll in! From that point, it was answering questions, assimilating any feedback received, and fine-tuning the format as issues and improvements became apparent (Note: This process is never complete, so stay flexible!).

That's really about all there is to it. You may find that in the area you live, certain formats are going to gain more grassroots support than others, so if you try one thing, and it falls flat, that's OK. Find the next idea that sparks your interest and run with it! If leadership isn't really your thing, see if you can find someone willing to handle that end of things if you take the reins on organization and logistics. Find the mix that suits you best, and if it doesn't exist, create it!

Polyday Gifting

2009-12-11T17:33:00.000-08:00

An interesting discussion came around in our poly group concerning holiday gifting.

Like, what exactly do you get the girlfriend of your girlfriend's husband's girlfriend's husband? There is this problem of language and position that doesn't meet the familiar model of either seniority or degrees of separation from your mom (well, that's how I rank people in my universe). How do you know what to spend or prepare a gift that isn't seemingly trivial or inane, like an "Here's-an-I-recognize-your-presence-Gift" of a coffee mug? That's almost insulting. "I recognize your place in our pod. I've gotten you some tea bags. Enjoy."

Is there an obligation to extend special gifting consideration to those you've had full-blown sex with vs just a casual snuggle on a frisky Saturday night? I dunno about you, guys, but this one has puzzled me. Obviously this other person means something and I should go and get something, but is there a graduating scale of gift valuation directly related to the degree of intimacy? Imagine what the lack of a gift could say? Yikes!

Kids? Should there be an effort to bring gifts around to children who'd may be a bit confused why so much attention comes from somebody they barely know? Then again, like they're going to refuse a gift... "Hey, look: it's another package." "It's for you, Sally." "Huh-Who's Michael?" "Who cares?!?!?!" Rip rip shred shred...

How about the husband of the woman you're dating - should you coordinate so that both of you don't over-do the other? It'd be kind of awkward if we both got her the same perfume. Shouldn't there be some coordination?

And then Christmas cards. Nothing really says, "Thinking about your wife this Christmas", or, "From our pod, to yours...", or, "Next year, I'll bring the Unicorn", or, "I hope you and your husbands find Jesus this season." Meh.

I guess I've made the best of it this year by declining to circulate any gifts. It's just a policy I'm taking on this year to protest commercialism but I think it's also a way to save my bacon. I need to regroup and think more on these things so I'll have a better plan next year. I gotta go.

s1m0n

What fosters growth?

2009-12-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

"A position of strength is rarely a position of growth."

I saw this in a poly forum a while back, and have been pondering the relative truthfulness of the idea. While it does seem true that adversity often ramps up the growth curve to a peak, this is also where the most trauma tends to happen, and it is advisable not to confuse trauma with growth. Nor does just surviving a challenge mean you've grown from it, it just means you're still standing. Granted, some days, that's a pretty good place to be, but it still seems to me that there needs to be a level of conscious cooperation with the circumstances, regardless of the relative strength or weakness of your position, to lead to growth.

There have been times where I've been talking with someone, and it becomes apparent that they are convinced that their relationships will grow only through adversity or conflict. This is a really dangerous place to be coming from! You're setting yourself up to discount the lessons that come from pleasure and comfort as being less important or valid than the ones that come from pain and anger. At that point, it's pretty inevitable that you'll be actively seeking out things that are uncomfortable or unhappy in the pursuit of growth.

Things happen. Good things happen, hard things happen. What you choose to do, and how you decide to move forward from a given point is where the growth can happen. Within a poly landscape, there are likely to be an above average amount of factors that may pull or push you in one direction or another. Having a strong anchor point within yourself is the first and best place to focus energy when you feel like you "need" someones attention, or that you aren't adequate in a particular relationship capacity. In order to say, "I love you.", one must first understand "I".

Once you know who you are, and have some clarity on how to nurture yourself without others, it becomes much simpler to allow intimacy, with one person, or with many, because you will never lose yourself in that process. Others may enhance your experience in life, highlight your understanding of love and pleasure, intimacy and support, but the core will always remain you.

Growth can happen in quiet moments of reflection, you can learn by watching the experiences of someone dear to you. Growth can sprout in the desert of solitude, explode in a shower of sensual energy, be reflected by a child's laughter, or be expanded by something as simple as reading a thought that had not yet occurred to you personally. See those moments when they happen, and know yourself, and you will grow.

Have a Poly, Jolly Christmas!

2009-12-01T17:26:00.000-08:00

Or whatever sort of holiday you do celebrate! One of the concerns I see bandied about rather frequently this time of year is how to handle the holidays? How do you split up time? Introduce your partners (people that are voluntarily in your life) to your family (not quite as choice-oriented)? How do you decide who goes to what house or event for a given celebration? How does it impact someone when they are left behind for a particular event? What about the dreaded "Holiday Party" for work? Are there some cans of worms that are better left just hibernating in the refrigerator for another time?

We've worked through several different approaches over the past several years. Particularly memorable was the work holiday party that PG's employer threw a couple years back: He happened to be out of town spending time with another partner, but since the event was at a pretty cool venue, and they throw a good spread, he didn't want the tickets to go to waste, so S and I went to PG's work party. When asked, I merely said that he was out of town, and had asked S to escort me for the evening. He had a fun time on his trip, we had fun at his party.

Last year for Thanksgiving, S's parents were in town for a week or so. He came out to them early in the week as poly, although they were already familiar with the general living situation. That gave them the opportunity to ask questions and brace themselves for impact with the larger family unit. When it came time to have the traditional Thanksgiving feast, they were gracious, curious, and engaged. We also cooked and served a separate meal and spent time with PG's family of origin that day. I was cooked out, but felt great about having supported diverse family connections.

Note: I am strongly in favor of NOT COMING OUT AT MAJOR FAMILY EVENTS!!! There is a certain sick draw toward dropping the poly nuclear bomb at such occasions. Resist the temptation! Sure, by just getting it all out there at once, you won't have to tell a bunch of different people who aren't going to "get it" numerous separate times, you may even avoid being the brunt of some family gossip (good luck with that!), but this isn't all about you! Just tell people in smaller groups, answer the questions, deal with the shock and awe, and be prepared to have people tell you that they always knew there was something different about you/going on. Then, by the time the next family gathering comes along, it's part of the family fabric, weird fabric, but hey, there's always got to be an eccentric, right?

This past week, S was out of state with his family of origin for Thanksgiving. PG and I had extra time to ourselves, and with our daughter, and there were some really great things about that! I also missed S and was happy to see him get home. It's okay to miss someone, it's okay to enjoy couple time, or time with yourself, and it doesn't make anyone less polyamorous to not spend every significant moment in their lives surrounded by all of their connections.

We finished the weekend by hosting a meal here that was open to our friends in the poly community, as they often stand in as our family of choice (particularly for me, as I don't have relations close by). It was much more satisfying than the mandatory family event, because it was a conscious choice.

Bottom line: Don't sweat it! Spend time when, where, and with whom you want. If there's a conflict in events, flip a coin, and come up with another opportunity for the event group that isn't graced with your presence. If someone you care for can't make it to your special family thing, find other ways to show them they are important and valued by you. And remember: there's always next year!