(My
goal for this piece is to summarize a longer article on my website.
PF suggested this topic for me to tackle, and I did that, and then
some. If you want to read the long version, you can find it here.)
People aren't always taught how to ask
for what they want. There is a process when it gets complex, and
that process is called “negotiation”. This article is going to
tackle some of the pitfalls, and get into techniques for what I call
“cooperative negotiation”, as opposed to “adversarial
negotiation”.
To start, there are three common
barriers to effective negotiation. They are, in fact, one of the
great secrets to troubleshooting anything involving human behavior in
the universe. Seriously? Yep!
Can't/Don't/Won't
Don't
There is a fundamental barrier to
negotiation when a person isn't able to accurately identify what it
is that they want, or perhaps how badly they want it. There is a
lack of self-awareness. Okay, so what do you do about this?
Self-knowledge. There are lots of ways to achieve this.
Often the difficulty is based on some
damage that exists. The ability can atrophy until you are simply
unaware that there are unmet needs inside. They become invisible.
When you start to tackle this, make a
list. What do you want? This part of the process could even be a
great relationship building activity to do with your partner. They
might have insight into things that you want that you aren't able to
own or give voice to yet. This would be a great intimacy building
exercise, because it would entail making yourself very vulnerable.
Which leads us to the next barrier.
Won't.
An assumption that I make regarding
romantic relationships is that there will be a mutual vulnerability
leading to an increase in intimacy. For people who have been
ill-treated in the past, this can be problematic. The more
threatened you feel, or the more strongly you want something, the
more vulnerable you feel, and hence, the less likely you are to risk
asking. It is therefore much more difficult to ask for what you need
in the very situations where you need it the most.
There can be a self-limiting belief
that steps in here. This might be a fear of success. This might be
a fear of leaving behind old patterning. It can be terrifying for
someone to consider what would happen “after”, if they actually
had a success in some emotionally loaded area of their life.
Often, in these cases, to hide this
fact, their mind will generate a narrative, and they will ask for
something, just not the something that they actually need or want.
This is often unconscious. There may not be deception externally,
it's occurring internally, as a defense mechanism. In these cases,
it combines a “Don't” and a “Won't”.
So, how do we tackle this lack of
willingness? Encouragement! Model the behavior yourself.
Can't
This one is hard. There are people who
are unable to connect with some of these concepts. I know one such
couple. It happens. The key is, if a “Won't” stays a “Won't”,
then treat it as a “Can't”. This could be a genuine or a
malicious misunderstanding. It's time for a “come to Jesus”
conversation. Don't use shorthand, don't make assumptions. Draw
pictures.
Because this one is hard, it's also
probably the simplest. You have a choice. If it's not happening,
and you've explored all the other options, then your choice is to
fold or go all in. Asking a therapist for an initial consultation on
your own, talking about the situation, might be helpful to make the
right decision for yourself.
But first, game design theory.
I like making games. There is a theory
to games, an underlying architecture and methodology that makes them
work. Some of that is math. Some of that is psychology. A part of
game design theory is the idea of “Play”. This is larger than
just games, and is also addressed in early childhood development,
workplace behavior, and, yes, relationships.
“Play”, in the context of games, is
the idea that we are suspending the rules of normal society for the
purposes of a special “ritual”. This ritual, of “Play”,
involves the idea that two or more people are going to engage in an
activity (Play) that replaces our normal cultural interactions with
an artificial construct (the game) within which other rules will
apply for the duration. Further, everyone is agreeing to do this
activity of their own free will (“consent”). We also agree that
while we are playing, we will be “enemies”. This result, the
idea that we might enjoy being “enemies” for this cooperative
endeavor is a remarkable aspect of Play from a psychological point of
view.
Let's negotiate!
Assumption 1: We like each other.
Assumption 2: We enjoy our partner's
enjoyment and having a role in that enjoyment.
Assumption 3: We trust each other and
want to share intimacy.
Ground Rule #1: We agree to treat each
other and ourselves with kindness.
Ground Rule #2: We are not merely
going to respond by rote or habit. We are going to approach this
process with as much transparency as possible because we are seeking
to deeply understand each other.
Ground Rule #3: We agree that it's
okay to asymmetrically want things from one another and to ask for
things yet not have them received.
Ground Rule #4: Fundamentally, we are
on each other's team. We will work together.
Ground Rule #5: It's okay to be angry,
or sad, or to be wrong. This is a safe space where we can share
messy feelings, accept them, and we won't punish one another.
Ground Rule #6: My feelings are mine.
Your feelings are yours. You are not responsible for mine, even if
my feelings are in response to your actions, or vice versa. However,
we are always responsible for our actions.
Taken together, this creates an
opportunity for something special to happen. We will not mislead or
avoid subjects simply because they are uncomfortable. We will find a
loving, gentle, honest, and clear way to express ourselves to the
best of our ability.
Okay, let's play!
Step 1: Self-knowledge.
This isn't simply about knowledge.
This is about having a concept, finding words for that concept, and
one more thing. You have to accept that you want it. You need to
really be willing to own that. Do not underestimate how difficult
that can be.
Step 2: Schedule.
Agree to set aside time to talk
(consent). Let them know that you want to bring something up, and
you want to have focused, loving attention for the conversation (play
the game).
Step 3: Begin.
Tell them what it is that you want.
Elucidate. Also, let them know how much you want this. Be clear
whether their participation is mandatory or simply preferred. Here
are a couple of examples:
“I really need for you to follow
through with our agreement about fluid exchange with other partners.
I know that there was that one time when it was an accident, but
after that it seems like 'accidents' are happening more often. This
isn't something that I can get past or compromise on, this is a deal
breaker if behavior doesn't change.”
“I would like you to go to that BDSM
event, the “leather tastings” with me. There is something big
here, I think this might be a huge win for me, but I don't want you
to just do it for me. I know you've avoided that ballpark before, so
I could go on my own, or with someone else.”
Step 4: Initial response.
Now it's your turn to sit and listen.
Allow your partner to give you their honest reactions. Don't address
their points until clearly invited to do so. This patience is
critical, and here's why. Often people have an initial reaction that
is NOT how they will end up feeling/thinking on a given topic,
especially when it is emotionally charged. Give your partner time to
explore their own feelings.
Step 5: Discussion.
Okay, you've had your say, and they've
responded. Now we can ease up on the flow of conversation a bit. As
long as emotions are not flaring, allow for a more flexible exchange.
If they say something that seems
confusing, remember, ask for clarification. Do not let things pass
under the bridge. If you do, you will find that your “agreement”
today will turn into huge drama later.
Step 6: Break it down.
This is an entire article in it's own
right. On a piece of paper, make two columns. Left side, benefits,
right side, detriments. Be thorough. Be accepting. Just because
you don't understand how something would feed your relationship
doesn't mean it won't to them. There's no telling what feeds
people's idea of closeness and intimacy. I love going grocery
shopping with my partners.
Indicate how strongly you feel about
each. “ABC” works. If you can, further break down each item on
your list to the “why”. Here's an example, using the “leather
tastings” situation from above.
-----
Learn about BDSM. (B)
- The idea is exciting.
- It feels important.
Try something new/different in the
sexual ballpark. (A)
- Feeling a little stagnant.
- Get to see people in hot outfits?
-----
What this allows for is the opportunity
to find underlying motivations, bring them to the table, discuss them
and possibly find other ways to meet those needs. During this
process, you might find that your priorities weren't accurate at
first. Perhaps at first you wrote an (A) next to the first item and
a (B) next to the second.
Step 7: Put it together.
This can be the most complex step of
anything we've talked about in this entire process or you may have a
“Why didn't we think of that before” moment.
Get creative. Mix and match ideas.
Take a break and do some research. Internet, books, friends.
One solution might be:
- Schedule more “us” time to be
sexual. Stop allowing life to interrupt that. Stop putting it off
just because “our relationship is solid”. It won't stay solid if
we aren't feeding it.
- I get to explore kink, even though you
aren't interested. You are allowed to control the amount of
information you want to hear, but will always be kept abreast of
situations around safety. We will work out expectations about safety
as I explore together. You won't be dictated to, you get input.
- I don't schedule time exploring kink at
the cost of our shared time. It has to be done outside of that. You
don't “lose out” just because I'm exploring that world. You
don't get ignored or “left behind”.
You can see how one
person's need to explore something new was agreed to and some
information was added addressing concerns that had come up in the
conversation, specifically fears around safety and missing out on
time and availability.
Sometimes you have to go several steps
deep to get to the source. Gently tease out the answers, pursuing a
deeper understanding. Don't hound them. Don't demand. Be kind. Be
curious.
Don't be surprised if sometime, later,
you happen to get a swat on the butt. Don't attach hope and then
punish them when it doesn't manifest, but stranger things have
happened.
Step 8: Make a plan and take action.
If you've decided to do something, do
it. Schedule it. There is a reason why the current situation was
the way it was. Point out causes and contributing factors as you
become aware of them. I know of couples who have an active saboteur
present. It's been a child (jealous of time and attention), it's
been another partner (creating a crisis to interrupt date time), it's
even been one of the partners themselves (heretofore undisclosed
issues).
If your plan is thwarted, both of you
need to acknowledge that it has been thwarted, identify and agree
upon the cause, and make a new plan that takes that cause into
account. If different problems continue to arise, get help. This is
most often the case when one of you (yes, you!) are the problem. You
may very well need a neutral third party to help unpack what's going
on.
That's it. I hope that helps.
