Polyfulcrum-
This word comes up fairly frequently when one is trying to convey the gender of person one is sexually compatible with. When it gets a little odd is when your orientation is so very amorphous that labels just sort of seem off. For me, I've found that I am quite capable of loving and being attracted to more than one gender, so that would make me bisexual, right? Well, it's not so much about the gender as it is the person though. The equipment is just packaging, but the stuff inside the packaging is what I want to eat! Sexual gender isn't terribly relevant at that point.
Now that we have a general guideline set up; I'll date men or women, if they're a person I'm attracted to, we come to an inconsistency: I'm domestically straight. What does that mean? Well, as much as I am quite capable of loving and lusting after curvy woman energy, I don't feel interested in living with other women. I dunno, maybe it's an alpha bitch thing, maybe it's just a yin-yang energy mechanism, but I don't want to live with other women, even ones I'm in love with.
Just to add fuel to the fire, I must further add the caveat that this attitude seems to fit me... so far. If there is one thing that the past seven years have taught me, it's that I am surely not done growing. My attitudes will change in time, I will continue to shift, and in x years, I might be ready to share my home with another person of the feminine variety. For now though, I, and my partners, are going to have to settle for me being sexually and emotionally an equal opportunity employer, but domestically hetero.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Poly pride
Polyfulcrum exudes:
Pride isn't a word that I bandy about lightly, and I find myself in a space where I feel great pride in my poly partners. PG has been finding his feet in the new household environment and exploring some areas that aren't super comfortable and easy for him. He has been dealing with those feelings in a constructive and adult fashion, and communicating where he's at with things. (see post immediately preceding) Over the years we've been a couple, I've really grown to appreciate him as a person, and I feel definitive pride in the person he is, was, and is becoming.
S has been learning what it's like to be the person in the middle, trying to balance the wants and needs of more than one. Exploring what it's like to be in a relationship with someone where you aren't thinking about where it's going to go is a new thing for him. As we're dating B together, it's something we are both in the midst of, and sometimes one of us is farther into that connection than the other. Finding ways to fit that relationship within the existing structure of our relationships and life is a new challenge for us as a couple, and I'm proud of his capacity to show affection and focus in that context.
Next weekend is our first housewarming party. Largely, this is for family members and co-workers. Even though we aren't likely to be "out" with all these people as a poly V, I'm still glad we'll be seen as a family of choice in a society that is ever more isolated and segmented. There is power in taking a path that not many choose to manifest. Even without the relationship component, I take pride in having a household of friends choosing to pool resources to improve many aspects of our life.
Pride isn't a word that I bandy about lightly, and I find myself in a space where I feel great pride in my poly partners. PG has been finding his feet in the new household environment and exploring some areas that aren't super comfortable and easy for him. He has been dealing with those feelings in a constructive and adult fashion, and communicating where he's at with things. (see post immediately preceding) Over the years we've been a couple, I've really grown to appreciate him as a person, and I feel definitive pride in the person he is, was, and is becoming.
S has been learning what it's like to be the person in the middle, trying to balance the wants and needs of more than one. Exploring what it's like to be in a relationship with someone where you aren't thinking about where it's going to go is a new thing for him. As we're dating B together, it's something we are both in the midst of, and sometimes one of us is farther into that connection than the other. Finding ways to fit that relationship within the existing structure of our relationships and life is a new challenge for us as a couple, and I'm proud of his capacity to show affection and focus in that context.
Next weekend is our first housewarming party. Largely, this is for family members and co-workers. Even though we aren't likely to be "out" with all these people as a poly V, I'm still glad we'll be seen as a family of choice in a society that is ever more isolated and segmented. There is power in taking a path that not many choose to manifest. Even without the relationship component, I take pride in having a household of friends choosing to pool resources to improve many aspects of our life.
From the outside, looking in...
POLYGESTALT MULLS:
This weekend I get the opportunity to test my self-management skills. My wife (PF) and her other primary/boyfriend (S) have been having lots of fun doing several activities with a woman they've been dating together (B).
It's been a bit of a transition for me to fully embrace the fact that there will be times where the two of them (PF & S) will develop relationships where I am not included. Well, of course, their own relationship doesn't include me either, but for some reason when the three of them get together and I'm the fourth person in the house (not involved in their activity), it just feels a bit strange.
Oh, and I have been wanting to make a point for several weeks now. Technically, the group of us (PG, PF & S) are not a triad. That would generally imply that S & I have more than a platonic relationship -- which we don't. It's really a "V" centered on PF.
On a related note, I am actually happy that PF and S have found someone that they really get along with! I think it's especially cool for S to be able to flex his poly wings that direction. And I'm glad that PF has the opportunity to connect with female-female energy again.
As for me, I believe I'm getting better at taking a deep breath, focusing on what I'm feeling and finding alternate activities to satisfy myself. And most importantly finding activities that are constructive or fulfilling and not just reflexive or destructive.
This weekend I get the opportunity to test my self-management skills. My wife (PF) and her other primary/boyfriend (S) have been having lots of fun doing several activities with a woman they've been dating together (B).
It's been a bit of a transition for me to fully embrace the fact that there will be times where the two of them (PF & S) will develop relationships where I am not included. Well, of course, their own relationship doesn't include me either, but for some reason when the three of them get together and I'm the fourth person in the house (not involved in their activity), it just feels a bit strange.
Oh, and I have been wanting to make a point for several weeks now. Technically, the group of us (PG, PF & S) are not a triad. That would generally imply that S & I have more than a platonic relationship -- which we don't. It's really a "V" centered on PF.
On a related note, I am actually happy that PF and S have found someone that they really get along with! I think it's especially cool for S to be able to flex his poly wings that direction. And I'm glad that PF has the opportunity to connect with female-female energy again.
As for me, I believe I'm getting better at taking a deep breath, focusing on what I'm feeling and finding alternate activities to satisfy myself. And most importantly finding activities that are constructive or fulfilling and not just reflexive or destructive.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
"True" Poly
There does seem to be quite a heated debate within the community trying to define what polyamory _is_. I'm part of live-in triad and both of my primaries have outside connections with other partners, as do I. Still, there are those within the poly community that nitpick about minutiae, like use of hierarchical language, as being "not in keeping with the spirit of poly". I'll call these people the "Poly-er than Thou" crowd, and I can find myself a bit frustrated with the air of moral superiority they tend to exude, which feels no different than conservative religious "One true path" thinking to me.
One thing I've noticed as a tendency in this group is that they are less connected to mainstream responsibilities and more able to live in their own world than most of us. For example, most of the Poly-er than Thou's don't seem to have standard 8-5 corporate jobs (they are self-employed, artists, musicians etc.) and often they don't have minor children in residence.
It's a lot easier to create a world that mirrors your ideal version of polyamory when you aren't also trying to co-exist with "normal" society, and to be judgemental or lack understanding towards those who are choosing to remain connected to a larger societal reality and still have an authentic space within it that reflects their vision of poly.
The other thing that seems to be a tendency within the Poly-er than Thou's is that they don't seem to be _living_ their vision on an on-going basis. They talk a good game, but when the chips are on the table, they aren't manifesting their concept in reality. It's an easy out to blame that on the unwillingness of others to fit within their version of poly. They start something idyllic and idealistic, it flames out largely because it doesn't work in reality. The people they're dating, must not be poly enough to make it happen.
Well, I might not be "true poly", but I'm living and loving my vision every day! Me and my primaries, our secondaries, and those tertiary connections too. ;)
One thing I've noticed as a tendency in this group is that they are less connected to mainstream responsibilities and more able to live in their own world than most of us. For example, most of the Poly-er than Thou's don't seem to have standard 8-5 corporate jobs (they are self-employed, artists, musicians etc.) and often they don't have minor children in residence.
It's a lot easier to create a world that mirrors your ideal version of polyamory when you aren't also trying to co-exist with "normal" society, and to be judgemental or lack understanding towards those who are choosing to remain connected to a larger societal reality and still have an authentic space within it that reflects their vision of poly.
The other thing that seems to be a tendency within the Poly-er than Thou's is that they don't seem to be _living_ their vision on an on-going basis. They talk a good game, but when the chips are on the table, they aren't manifesting their concept in reality. It's an easy out to blame that on the unwillingness of others to fit within their version of poly. They start something idyllic and idealistic, it flames out largely because it doesn't work in reality. The people they're dating, must not be poly enough to make it happen.
Well, I might not be "true poly", but I'm living and loving my vision every day! Me and my primaries, our secondaries, and those tertiary connections too. ;)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Trickle-out polynomics
Polyfulcrum recycles an older blog post:
Abundance! This is one of the main reasons that most people get into poly. The idea that you can have the vast majority of your needs met without overburdening one partner. Ah, but wait, there's more! For me, love and sexual energy are a positive feedback system. The more I have, the more I want, the more I have to give to others, the more I have for myself! Let's call this concept trickle out polynomics, shall we?
How does this affect the way that one approaches life? To have needs met, to feel full and capable of giving to others in your life, without sacrificing your own energy and boundaries on the altar of "Should" is bliss! The similarities I share with my partners are deeply appreciated. I cherish the things that we can do together, as couples, triad, and extended family. The differences are honored instead of resented, as they don't take away from my life, but instead provide more opportunities to stretch myself within a supportive environment. I can give of myself, and know that when I've given all that I can comfortably give, there will respite and the ability to plug-in and charge my batteries. Physically, there is room for pleasure in all the different forms it takes, and I am very motivated to explore and give in this realm as well, and crave the intimacy that goes with the physicality.
My bank accounts are full of emotional currency, and I can support others whenever the need arises without tapping myself out. Polynomics: It works! I'm still not sure about that Reagan thing though... ;)
Abundance! This is one of the main reasons that most people get into poly. The idea that you can have the vast majority of your needs met without overburdening one partner. Ah, but wait, there's more! For me, love and sexual energy are a positive feedback system. The more I have, the more I want, the more I have to give to others, the more I have for myself! Let's call this concept trickle out polynomics, shall we?
How does this affect the way that one approaches life? To have needs met, to feel full and capable of giving to others in your life, without sacrificing your own energy and boundaries on the altar of "Should" is bliss! The similarities I share with my partners are deeply appreciated. I cherish the things that we can do together, as couples, triad, and extended family. The differences are honored instead of resented, as they don't take away from my life, but instead provide more opportunities to stretch myself within a supportive environment. I can give of myself, and know that when I've given all that I can comfortably give, there will respite and the ability to plug-in and charge my batteries. Physically, there is room for pleasure in all the different forms it takes, and I am very motivated to explore and give in this realm as well, and crave the intimacy that goes with the physicality.
My bank accounts are full of emotional currency, and I can support others whenever the need arises without tapping myself out. Polynomics: It works! I'm still not sure about that Reagan thing though... ;)
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Charmed life
PF once again-
After reading through S's last post, I realize that some thank you's are in order to the universe and various people within it for helping me have the life and loves that I do.
After reading through S's last post, I realize that some thank you's are in order to the universe and various people within it for helping me have the life and loves that I do.
First, I must pay respect to my parents. Understand, my dad's a evangelical minister of conservative bent, and both of my parents are pretty significantly different in fundamental ways than I. Years ago, I was trying to figure out WHY was I born into this particular family? What was it I needed to learn from these people that I felt so little personal resonance with? The conclusion I came to was that my parents have a strong relationship with one another, and that I needed to learn those skills to be able to navigate this life that I now live. So, kudos to you, Mom and Dad, for teaching me the basics of what I needed to have healthy relationships as an adult! Mom, Dad, I love you.
Second, my husband. We've been together as a couple for almost 15 years now. That's coming up on half our lifetimes! We've grown up together from early adulthood, and he has the exceptional quality of allowing people to be, and become who they are. He has held me in moments of joy and sorrow, through confusion, and spurred me on to create and recreate myself, even when it's been uncomfortable for him personally. I've always had laughter and support in my life, and a sense of belonging, of being home, with him. This stable base has allowed me to dream bigger than I would ever have on my own, in ways that are healthy, and experiencing the security of knowing that there is always a safe space to be. PG, I love you.
Third, my former lover, C. We explored a lot of early poly territory together for 6 years. He encouraged me to be my most outrageous, to push my edges, to think outside the box and see the box when I was oblivious, to know that if I crashed and burned, there was going to be someone there to dust me off and point me back into the fray. Being someone special to more than one person was something I learned here, and it was a beautiful lesson. I continue to celebrate this relationship and what it's brought to my life daily. C, I love you.
Fourth, my daughter, who, although young in years has already shown me that PG and I are more than the sum of our parts, and who holds up a mirror for me to see more clearly. Little C, I love you.
Fifth, but certainly not in my affections, is S. Having known someone for such a long time before moving into a relationship with them was new to me. Being able to expand my understanding of him as a person, as a partner and lover, has been revelatory! Seeing his boldness in embracing the changes in the past 15 months has encouraged me to be more brave and risk more than I ever would have previously. Feeling such intensity of passion colors my world with joy. S, I love you.
There are so many others that have contributed, and will continue to enhance my experience of life than I can mention here! There are those that have shown me the ropes in BDSM, those that helped me understand that love isn't about gender, but about the inner self, those who have just gotten me to loosen up and not be so serious and responsible all the time! There's my household that is teaching me new things, and my metamours, who embrace those I love in ways that I cannot. I love you all in different ways.
At the heart of it is me, this person experiencing an amazing life, astonishing loves, and a world that is beautiful and charmed with possibilities, depth, nuance and potentials. It's a big thing to be at a place where I can say: I love me, too.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Differences between boundaries and control
Polyfulcrum rambles:
As the past couple of months have been very high on the learning curve and challenge, there have been several opportunities to try to figure out what the differences are between having healthy boundaries and trying to control the behavior of your partners.
This concept still gives me fits! If you let someone know that X behavior is likely to produce negative emotional consequences, and they proceed with X behavior, why could it be considered surprising or controlling when the expected emotional response ensues? If one knows the triggers they have and shares those with their partners, is that trying to control their behavior, or to save them (and you!) from having to work through some challenge at a point in time that might not be optimal? The reverse is also true, and people don't seem to get so worked up when you share information with them on how to help you feel happy!
Are we, as poly folk, just "supposed" to not have boundaries at all, if they infringe on anyone elses actions? Why is it ok have a condom use rule to manage physical safety issues, but not to have rules that manage emotional safety?
Timing is everything, so the saying goes, and that seems to have truth to it. Situations that would be easily handled under optimal circumstances can be explosive if someone is feeling neglected, disregarded or unheard in their concerns. Is it your responsibility as a partner to try to suss out when it's a good time to push into challenging territory, or to back away from something when it may produce more incendiary responses than you want to deal with? There are times when you don't get to choose your emotional ground, so I value it when any of my partners or metamours lets me know they are feeling on shaky ground, which gives me an opportunity to take corrective action and not run into emotional landmines.
Control isn't a word I'm terribly at ease with. It implies ownership of another to me, or taking a parenting role. At the same time, separating action and consequence from relationships seems unrealistic. Is "suck it up" really a philosophy that can work within poly relationships? Choosing partner(s) that attempt to meet your needs and consider your feelings as well as their own is high on the list of things that I feel responsible to myself for. Still, there are going to be times where needs diverge. How do you make "requests" and have them stick without someone feeling like they are being controlled?
This post has lots of questions and rambling in it, so forgive me the stream of consciousness. I find it very encouraging to be at the point of asking those questions without a lot of heat, or feeling vested in the answers that may come out of them. These concepts are at a core level, and will require some additional work and assimilation on my part. All input is welcome!
As the past couple of months have been very high on the learning curve and challenge, there have been several opportunities to try to figure out what the differences are between having healthy boundaries and trying to control the behavior of your partners.
This concept still gives me fits! If you let someone know that X behavior is likely to produce negative emotional consequences, and they proceed with X behavior, why could it be considered surprising or controlling when the expected emotional response ensues? If one knows the triggers they have and shares those with their partners, is that trying to control their behavior, or to save them (and you!) from having to work through some challenge at a point in time that might not be optimal? The reverse is also true, and people don't seem to get so worked up when you share information with them on how to help you feel happy!
Are we, as poly folk, just "supposed" to not have boundaries at all, if they infringe on anyone elses actions? Why is it ok have a condom use rule to manage physical safety issues, but not to have rules that manage emotional safety?
Timing is everything, so the saying goes, and that seems to have truth to it. Situations that would be easily handled under optimal circumstances can be explosive if someone is feeling neglected, disregarded or unheard in their concerns. Is it your responsibility as a partner to try to suss out when it's a good time to push into challenging territory, or to back away from something when it may produce more incendiary responses than you want to deal with? There are times when you don't get to choose your emotional ground, so I value it when any of my partners or metamours lets me know they are feeling on shaky ground, which gives me an opportunity to take corrective action and not run into emotional landmines.
Control isn't a word I'm terribly at ease with. It implies ownership of another to me, or taking a parenting role. At the same time, separating action and consequence from relationships seems unrealistic. Is "suck it up" really a philosophy that can work within poly relationships? Choosing partner(s) that attempt to meet your needs and consider your feelings as well as their own is high on the list of things that I feel responsible to myself for. Still, there are going to be times where needs diverge. How do you make "requests" and have them stick without someone feeling like they are being controlled?
This post has lots of questions and rambling in it, so forgive me the stream of consciousness. I find it very encouraging to be at the point of asking those questions without a lot of heat, or feeling vested in the answers that may come out of them. These concepts are at a core level, and will require some additional work and assimilation on my part. All input is welcome!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The bits that bind us together.
POLYGESTALT MEDITATES:
Roaming about my brain are fragments of the trials, tribulations, hopes and dreams of the women in my life. Aside from the physical, mental and emotional bonding of any given moment, I'm struck by just how much of a relationship is composed of gathering together the memories and desires of these precious people and remembering each shining piece. I have a treasure trove of them now -- these emotion-laden thoughts of other people.
I just wish I could upgrade my memory. Sometimes I feel strained to my limits to remember as much as I can. But it is definitely worth the effort to hold on to them all.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Bumping uglies
Polyfulcrum here!
Once again, I find myself in the position of wanting to do a post primarily to bump a picture down further from the top. lol Actually, I enjoy the visual interest that S provides when he does these pictures, but that last one was a doozie!
So today, I had a date with B, more solo time than I have had before. S and I have been dating her for a couple months now, but things have really been picking up in the past month. He and she have had more time to put into it, so I was starting to feel a bit behind the relationship curve and asked for some time for just the feminine energy today. It was really lovely to feel and see that warm intimacy and hot intensity flow, as well as the easy conversational tone and sexy kink. S joined up for part of the time, and that dynamic with the three of us is also pretty exceptional! It's really good to be in a place of feeling like stretching a little isn't going to tear me, although I'm pretty wiped from running a bunch of domme energy today. Sleep will be welcome...
PG is out this evening with K and that connection seems to be growing nicely as well! The scheduling is getting a bit heinous with all of us wanting time out and about with others, but I'm excited that the new home is feeling good and there's a lot of positive family vibe that is continuing to grow, as well as seeing all of us change in ways that are allowed by the environment we're creating.
Once again, I find myself in the position of wanting to do a post primarily to bump a picture down further from the top. lol Actually, I enjoy the visual interest that S provides when he does these pictures, but that last one was a doozie!
So today, I had a date with B, more solo time than I have had before. S and I have been dating her for a couple months now, but things have really been picking up in the past month. He and she have had more time to put into it, so I was starting to feel a bit behind the relationship curve and asked for some time for just the feminine energy today. It was really lovely to feel and see that warm intimacy and hot intensity flow, as well as the easy conversational tone and sexy kink. S joined up for part of the time, and that dynamic with the three of us is also pretty exceptional! It's really good to be in a place of feeling like stretching a little isn't going to tear me, although I'm pretty wiped from running a bunch of domme energy today. Sleep will be welcome...
PG is out this evening with K and that connection seems to be growing nicely as well! The scheduling is getting a bit heinous with all of us wanting time out and about with others, but I'm excited that the new home is feeling good and there's a lot of positive family vibe that is continuing to grow, as well as seeing all of us change in ways that are allowed by the environment we're creating.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Styles- limiting factors
Polyfulcrum speaks:
It's become apparent to me over the years that there are so very many forms of communication these days that finding the one that fits for two or more people can be very complex at times, and can limit whether you connect with a specific person. Example: Let's say you meet a lovely new prospective partner at an event, you talk face to face, really enjoy the interaction and decide to try to stay in touch and build on that initial attraction moving forward. Do you use email? Phone? Chat? Blackberry? If your favorite forms of communication don't match up well, it can kill the potential relationship, due to lack of nurturance and contact.
This can also be seen in schedule compatibility. Frankly, at this point, if you aren't schedule compatible, even if I'm really attracted to you, I'm not going to do much with it. It is horribly frustrating to be hashing out a potential date and be looking a month down the road when the stars align perfectly to allow such an event to happen! Where is the sweet spot? The overlap points in schedule, communication styles and motivation HAS to be there to make it happen.
Motivation style is something I see primarily as an issue with other women. Typically, for women the dynamic is skewed to allow us to be passive, or allow the men to come to us, that when we're dating another woman, few of us are comfortable pursuing, or at least making equal efforts, to initiate dates and set things up. If no one is chasing, no one gets anywhere!
Finding that zone where you and one or more other people have enough stylistic commonalities to make a viable relationship start can be a bit daunting. The best I have come up with is to be clear with yourself as to what YOU are willing to do, what steps you are going to take, and what level of effort is outside your capacity to provide. If you don't know what you won't do, you can't convey that clearly to potential dating partners and no one's expectations will be in line with the realities of life.
If we lived in a utopian sort of world where sheerly being attracted to someone would make it a good idea to date them, life would be sweet. However, we live in a world of schedules, roles and responsibilities, where the fact that someone lives 90 minutes away can be a dealbreaker, where not returning phone calls in kind can sour the interest of another, and where one person can't drive the whole boat on their own.
Stylistic differences are an important facet to consider when looking at new people, and are something to put thought into before you dive into a relationship that has a very limited lifespan with no room to grow.
It's become apparent to me over the years that there are so very many forms of communication these days that finding the one that fits for two or more people can be very complex at times, and can limit whether you connect with a specific person. Example: Let's say you meet a lovely new prospective partner at an event, you talk face to face, really enjoy the interaction and decide to try to stay in touch and build on that initial attraction moving forward. Do you use email? Phone? Chat? Blackberry? If your favorite forms of communication don't match up well, it can kill the potential relationship, due to lack of nurturance and contact.
This can also be seen in schedule compatibility. Frankly, at this point, if you aren't schedule compatible, even if I'm really attracted to you, I'm not going to do much with it. It is horribly frustrating to be hashing out a potential date and be looking a month down the road when the stars align perfectly to allow such an event to happen! Where is the sweet spot? The overlap points in schedule, communication styles and motivation HAS to be there to make it happen.
Motivation style is something I see primarily as an issue with other women. Typically, for women the dynamic is skewed to allow us to be passive, or allow the men to come to us, that when we're dating another woman, few of us are comfortable pursuing, or at least making equal efforts, to initiate dates and set things up. If no one is chasing, no one gets anywhere!
Finding that zone where you and one or more other people have enough stylistic commonalities to make a viable relationship start can be a bit daunting. The best I have come up with is to be clear with yourself as to what YOU are willing to do, what steps you are going to take, and what level of effort is outside your capacity to provide. If you don't know what you won't do, you can't convey that clearly to potential dating partners and no one's expectations will be in line with the realities of life.
If we lived in a utopian sort of world where sheerly being attracted to someone would make it a good idea to date them, life would be sweet. However, we live in a world of schedules, roles and responsibilities, where the fact that someone lives 90 minutes away can be a dealbreaker, where not returning phone calls in kind can sour the interest of another, and where one person can't drive the whole boat on their own.
Stylistic differences are an important facet to consider when looking at new people, and are something to put thought into before you dive into a relationship that has a very limited lifespan with no room to grow.
Communication
Polyfulcrum again!
Communication, communication, communication. It's the three C's of polyamory. You hear it all the bloody time about how important it is, how vital that you do it, and do it well. You think you're doing pretty well, feel good about how much you've learned, you are able to impart your needs and your wants and boundaries. Or so you think...
Then something happens like last night, where S was out at B's for a date and forgot to let me know he planned on being out all night, home before kids were up. All of those criteria were fine, excepting the part where I didn't know about it ahead of time. So I wake up at unholy-early-o'clock and panic a bit because he's not home, figuring he fell asleep over there and just didn't wake up. Called him and he's on the way home, chipper and perky with NRE. (sigh)
The good parts are that I didn't blow up, and he didn't try to duck out on an apology, and we sorted it all out pretty quickly. The thing is when you're living so close all the time, there are often things that you think you've talked about that haven't actually been verbalized. The "virtual conversation" you had in your head. I think a pre-date briefing will be helpful in the future from/for each of us. Where are you going? Who with? Planning to be back by? Any childcare considerations? Just a quick verbal check-in to make sure that everyone is on the same page in advance. I'll have to remember this as I start getting out more again, whenever that happens!
Communication, communication, communication. It's the three C's of polyamory. You hear it all the bloody time about how important it is, how vital that you do it, and do it well. You think you're doing pretty well, feel good about how much you've learned, you are able to impart your needs and your wants and boundaries. Or so you think...
Then something happens like last night, where S was out at B's for a date and forgot to let me know he planned on being out all night, home before kids were up. All of those criteria were fine, excepting the part where I didn't know about it ahead of time. So I wake up at unholy-early-o'clock and panic a bit because he's not home, figuring he fell asleep over there and just didn't wake up. Called him and he's on the way home, chipper and perky with NRE. (sigh)
The good parts are that I didn't blow up, and he didn't try to duck out on an apology, and we sorted it all out pretty quickly. The thing is when you're living so close all the time, there are often things that you think you've talked about that haven't actually been verbalized. The "virtual conversation" you had in your head. I think a pre-date briefing will be helpful in the future from/for each of us. Where are you going? Who with? Planning to be back by? Any childcare considerations? Just a quick verbal check-in to make sure that everyone is on the same page in advance. I'll have to remember this as I start getting out more again, whenever that happens!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Community
Polyfulcrum here, bumping the nudie picture down lower:
Moving into this new week, it seems a time for community! We had Sunday dinner with PG's other partner and her kids, and that was another good interaction to our credit. Last night it was off to the poly discussion group! The distribution was a few new to poly types, a returning poly, our little pod and S and myself's new dating partner, and the couple that hosts the group, who we've known about a year now.
PG likes the newbie dynamic and being able to lend our experiences out to others. I appreciate being able to go back and find some of the nuances of the basics that can always use review. S is very up on participating within the community and being a part of a large dynamic. This particular meeting was helpful to me in being able to look at some of the things that have been going on since the move and seeing how far we've come already in that journey. Looking at things and understanding that socks and terms of endearment are good issues to be navigating!
One of the other participants at the meeting is beginning a long-distance relationship right now, which sort of resonated with me. Prior to my relationship with S getting off the ground, my previous poly partner of 6 years was long distance. We are still friendly with each other, but haven't visited in person for over a year now. It was very hard on him (and me) when I decided to move past that relationship, and the distance thing was a factor. Still, you can't look at a 6 year relationship that changed you positively in perpetuity to be a mistake. I learned a lot from that connection, and would never want to give that time back or spend it another way. Listening to the person at the meeting talk about the challenges of connecting via email, chat, cam and phone, it was a flashback for all those evenings sitting by the glow of the monitor and enjoying some very focused and deliberate conversation that you really took the time to choose to have. Looking back, I realize that having the local community to lean into has really made this year possible, but there are things that I miss about that relationship...
Moving into this new week, it seems a time for community! We had Sunday dinner with PG's other partner and her kids, and that was another good interaction to our credit. Last night it was off to the poly discussion group! The distribution was a few new to poly types, a returning poly, our little pod and S and myself's new dating partner, and the couple that hosts the group, who we've known about a year now.
PG likes the newbie dynamic and being able to lend our experiences out to others. I appreciate being able to go back and find some of the nuances of the basics that can always use review. S is very up on participating within the community and being a part of a large dynamic. This particular meeting was helpful to me in being able to look at some of the things that have been going on since the move and seeing how far we've come already in that journey. Looking at things and understanding that socks and terms of endearment are good issues to be navigating!
One of the other participants at the meeting is beginning a long-distance relationship right now, which sort of resonated with me. Prior to my relationship with S getting off the ground, my previous poly partner of 6 years was long distance. We are still friendly with each other, but haven't visited in person for over a year now. It was very hard on him (and me) when I decided to move past that relationship, and the distance thing was a factor. Still, you can't look at a 6 year relationship that changed you positively in perpetuity to be a mistake. I learned a lot from that connection, and would never want to give that time back or spend it another way. Listening to the person at the meeting talk about the challenges of connecting via email, chat, cam and phone, it was a flashback for all those evenings sitting by the glow of the monitor and enjoying some very focused and deliberate conversation that you really took the time to choose to have. Looking back, I realize that having the local community to lean into has really made this year possible, but there are things that I miss about that relationship...
Monday, September 15, 2008
Party time!
Polyfulcrum chimes in:
Last weekend was a big lovetribe event that we all attended. It was sort of odd, as the majority of our metamours and their other connections were also present, and other than S and I, no one was going "together" to the party. Welcome to big incestuous ball that is the local poly community! In the past couple of years, it seems as though we've gotten a toe into most of the local circles, directly or indirectly.
My goal for myself for the evening was to be open, whatever form that took. I sort of thought that I would end up making some new connections and likely follow them to consumation, but was still feeling a little wiggly around the edges about exposing myself to outside energy. A complicating factor for the evening was that I had committed to be an "angel", or party monitor for a portion of the evening, so was also a bit distracted from being fully present for myself.
PG brought someone along for the evening, although they weren't there as a couple, so that was a little bit of an odd dynamic. His long-term partner, G, was also there, along with her other connection.
It seemed a night for trying to get things back on track and into connection, working on resolving damaged trust and just allowing things to move in new directions. My big step for the evening, which turned out to be a smaller one than I had intended, was to kiss someone new to me on that level, although I've had a good amount of exposure to them previously in more casual context. ;) It was a lovely kiss, and I was interested to see where that might lead, but it turned out that all the party duties on both our parts tossed a lot of interference in that dynamic. Fortunately, there's always another opportunity in the future to pursue that more fully. I think...
S and I had a very enjoyable time playing together, and I'm such a big exhibitionist that the whole party environment works really well for me! Fortunately, he likes to show off my responses, so that leads to a really fun dynamic for both us and the voyeuristic types in the crowd. ;)
One of my favorite features at this event was the sybian. I had a nice ride early on in the evening, which amped me up pretty well. This also lead to the last event of the evening for me, which was an extended ride with PG driving the machine for me. That was the first time we've done much play together at a party in a while, so that dynamic was really great! He likes to push me and I was definitely getting a "can you take it?" vibe, which juices me up really well. All in, with the various opportunities for the evening, I'm pretty sure I maxxed out on orgasms well into the triple digit range. A VERY good night!
More important though, was the way that G and I (my metamour with PG) were able to interact in a warm and loving fashion, beginning the process of healing the rift after the split they went through early this summer. She was also over yesterday for a family lunch and we had good comfortable conversation and interaction. Being able to stack a few really solid good blocks of interaction on top of each other is helpful for me in moving towards rebuilding trust and positive feeling about their relationship. That will take time, but this was a move in a good direction! Add on top of that the way both PG and S were so very loving and supportive and fun around this event, and I would definitely give it a high rating for the "great weekend" category!
Last weekend was a big lovetribe event that we all attended. It was sort of odd, as the majority of our metamours and their other connections were also present, and other than S and I, no one was going "together" to the party. Welcome to big incestuous ball that is the local poly community! In the past couple of years, it seems as though we've gotten a toe into most of the local circles, directly or indirectly.
My goal for myself for the evening was to be open, whatever form that took. I sort of thought that I would end up making some new connections and likely follow them to consumation, but was still feeling a little wiggly around the edges about exposing myself to outside energy. A complicating factor for the evening was that I had committed to be an "angel", or party monitor for a portion of the evening, so was also a bit distracted from being fully present for myself.
PG brought someone along for the evening, although they weren't there as a couple, so that was a little bit of an odd dynamic. His long-term partner, G, was also there, along with her other connection.
It seemed a night for trying to get things back on track and into connection, working on resolving damaged trust and just allowing things to move in new directions. My big step for the evening, which turned out to be a smaller one than I had intended, was to kiss someone new to me on that level, although I've had a good amount of exposure to them previously in more casual context. ;) It was a lovely kiss, and I was interested to see where that might lead, but it turned out that all the party duties on both our parts tossed a lot of interference in that dynamic. Fortunately, there's always another opportunity in the future to pursue that more fully. I think...
S and I had a very enjoyable time playing together, and I'm such a big exhibitionist that the whole party environment works really well for me! Fortunately, he likes to show off my responses, so that leads to a really fun dynamic for both us and the voyeuristic types in the crowd. ;)
One of my favorite features at this event was the sybian. I had a nice ride early on in the evening, which amped me up pretty well. This also lead to the last event of the evening for me, which was an extended ride with PG driving the machine for me. That was the first time we've done much play together at a party in a while, so that dynamic was really great! He likes to push me and I was definitely getting a "can you take it?" vibe, which juices me up really well. All in, with the various opportunities for the evening, I'm pretty sure I maxxed out on orgasms well into the triple digit range. A VERY good night!
More important though, was the way that G and I (my metamour with PG) were able to interact in a warm and loving fashion, beginning the process of healing the rift after the split they went through early this summer. She was also over yesterday for a family lunch and we had good comfortable conversation and interaction. Being able to stack a few really solid good blocks of interaction on top of each other is helpful for me in moving towards rebuilding trust and positive feeling about their relationship. That will take time, but this was a move in a good direction! Add on top of that the way both PG and S were so very loving and supportive and fun around this event, and I would definitely give it a high rating for the "great weekend" category!
Friday, September 12, 2008
The Great Sock Debate of '08!
Polyfulcrum chimes in: You know, as much as I wish I felt terribly sympathetic, I have to say that, being the one who is doing the majority of the laundry, I still think I'm doing a better job sorting out who gets what clean clothing better than anyone else in the household could.
Considering that it makes sense to have full loads running in the wash, and I have had more time to do these types of tasks, I have kindly undertaken to do everyone's washing, drying and folding. I'm sure there will be errors, however, I think everyone, even the kids, are quite capable of recognizing and returning clothing that is "in error" in their drawers.
Now, if I start putting my bras in your dressers, you have my permission to flog me soundly with a wet noodle, or whatever else you have handy ;). Until then, wear it or fix it!
Considering that it makes sense to have full loads running in the wash, and I have had more time to do these types of tasks, I have kindly undertaken to do everyone's washing, drying and folding. I'm sure there will be errors, however, I think everyone, even the kids, are quite capable of recognizing and returning clothing that is "in error" in their drawers.
Now, if I start putting my bras in your dressers, you have my permission to flog me soundly with a wet noodle, or whatever else you have handy ;). Until then, wear it or fix it!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Signals
POLYGESTALT PONDERS:
While I do generally like my first name, it's pretty darn common. That's led me to have a kind of insensitivity/sensitivity to it. Insensitive in large groups where I don't respond to my name -- assuming that a person calling my name is really addressing someone else with the same name. And oddly sensitive in smaller groups where I automatically assume that people are talking to me. I really like to know when someone wants to talk to just me. (This sometimes leads me to a irrational irritation response to men with my same name.)
What does that have to do with a live-in poly situation? Well, it has to do with terms of endearment. I'm becoming insensitive/sensitive to my wife using the words honey, darling, sweetie, and the like. Does she mean me? Does she mean S? Does she mean both?? Obviously this is only really an issue when I know that both S and I are in earshot. But it has been happening more often.
This also spills over into the non-verbal realm too. That skimpy nightie she put on last night. Was it to entice S or me? Or both? I found out later that it was me
Discomfort
There have been a lot of little things that are a bit uncomfortable to deal with of late. Both of the guys are dating out again, there's the move, the changes in the domestic scenery with kids and the parenting stuff that brings up, and recreating self and the relationships I am in. There have been several times lately where I've been uncomfortable about something and my partners try to "fix it" for me. No! Stop trying to save me from myself, and my responses and emotions. There is no way to get to the other side of that ocean but through it!
Let me be uncomfortable with something, let me think it through, talk it out, feel it and decide if something is really too hard to deal with, or just a spot I need to muscle through. If I'm wiggy about your new flame coming over and making out on the couch, let me feel sick in the pit of my stomach and realize that you are here with me out of choice, and that I don't have to immediately feel compersion with each and every new experience and person that is being pulled into the orbits around me. Will that be nice when I get to that space? You betcha! Is that where I'd like to be heading, is that my goal? Generally, yes. I'm not going to guarantee that I'll like or love everyone and everything that either of my partners choose, but I'm going to do my best to make sure I don't toss something out based on a icky feeling that will likely pass with more familiarity.
Embrace the discomfort. Press against it. See if it lets go with some concentrated effort, breathing, awareness. Let it release and see the space that is created in that wake.
-PF
Let me be uncomfortable with something, let me think it through, talk it out, feel it and decide if something is really too hard to deal with, or just a spot I need to muscle through. If I'm wiggy about your new flame coming over and making out on the couch, let me feel sick in the pit of my stomach and realize that you are here with me out of choice, and that I don't have to immediately feel compersion with each and every new experience and person that is being pulled into the orbits around me. Will that be nice when I get to that space? You betcha! Is that where I'd like to be heading, is that my goal? Generally, yes. I'm not going to guarantee that I'll like or love everyone and everything that either of my partners choose, but I'm going to do my best to make sure I don't toss something out based on a icky feeling that will likely pass with more familiarity.
Embrace the discomfort. Press against it. See if it lets go with some concentrated effort, breathing, awareness. Let it release and see the space that is created in that wake.
-PF
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Domestic Tranquility Codex
In the on-going efforts to create a strong structure, stable environment and predictable outcomes, we spent time over the past few days working out a list of responsibilities, rules, expectations, rewards etc, etc, etc, for the kids to have a framework to operate within. PG has termed this document the Domestic Tranquility Codex. Are we a bunch of big geeks, or what? ;)
It's been fascinating to see them work through those ideas as a firm line, look for ways to wiggle around them, seek to exceed expectations, and just flat out fail at some of the basics, mostly to see what might happen. If I push this button, will the parenting machine give out the expected response? If I push this other button, will that get me something else that I want? I think it's also been good for all of the parents in the household to have firm expected behaviors that are put in writing to rely on, particularly when dealing with a non-biological child. We aren't seeking to parent the other person's child, but we are looking to create a structure that supports taking action as an authority figure and responsible adult where the kids know that their parent would be taking the same actions and having the same rules and expected behaviors.
I hear that a lot of poly families use resources created for step-parenting situations to navigate these waters of choppy family politics. One of my continued concerns is about S's daughter, who spends a good chunk of time with her bio-mother, having different experiences of expected behavior with her mom. We are structured here, which probably makes her mom feel very lenient in comparison. Her mom also has no job responsibilities or other children to balance out, so she can have a more lax parenting style. S has been good about talking with her, setting up as much consistency as he can between spaces, but it still feels like there is a bit of an "us versus them" thing going on, with S's daughter and mom being one unit and the rest of us another and the daughter trying to keep a foot on both sides of the fence.
None of these points are going to be transformed overnight into a smoothly running machine, so we'll just keep muddling along and doing the best we can with what we know. I'm glad the girls have slightly different schedules, as this allows them to have some solo time with parents, as well as maintain a more defined sense of individuality. All in all, I'd have to say it's going well, particularly with all the big changes in the past couple weeks! Teamwork is the key, and it's feeling like we're all getting pointed in the same general direction, happily so. Accidental sock transfers not withstanding... ;)
PF
It's been fascinating to see them work through those ideas as a firm line, look for ways to wiggle around them, seek to exceed expectations, and just flat out fail at some of the basics, mostly to see what might happen. If I push this button, will the parenting machine give out the expected response? If I push this other button, will that get me something else that I want? I think it's also been good for all of the parents in the household to have firm expected behaviors that are put in writing to rely on, particularly when dealing with a non-biological child. We aren't seeking to parent the other person's child, but we are looking to create a structure that supports taking action as an authority figure and responsible adult where the kids know that their parent would be taking the same actions and having the same rules and expected behaviors.
I hear that a lot of poly families use resources created for step-parenting situations to navigate these waters of choppy family politics. One of my continued concerns is about S's daughter, who spends a good chunk of time with her bio-mother, having different experiences of expected behavior with her mom. We are structured here, which probably makes her mom feel very lenient in comparison. Her mom also has no job responsibilities or other children to balance out, so she can have a more lax parenting style. S has been good about talking with her, setting up as much consistency as he can between spaces, but it still feels like there is a bit of an "us versus them" thing going on, with S's daughter and mom being one unit and the rest of us another and the daughter trying to keep a foot on both sides of the fence.
None of these points are going to be transformed overnight into a smoothly running machine, so we'll just keep muddling along and doing the best we can with what we know. I'm glad the girls have slightly different schedules, as this allows them to have some solo time with parents, as well as maintain a more defined sense of individuality. All in all, I'd have to say it's going well, particularly with all the big changes in the past couple weeks! Teamwork is the key, and it's feeling like we're all getting pointed in the same general direction, happily so. Accidental sock transfers not withstanding... ;)
PF
It was bound to happen I suppose...
POLYGESTALT FRETS:
I wore... his socks!
Yesterday, I was ambushed by circumstance. Evidently some laundry from S was put away in my sock drawer. The socks being of innocent white color and me disoriented by a typical groggy morning, I unwittingly donned S's socks. PF discovered my mistake in the evening when she recognised the branding on the socks. Needless to say, I removed them immediately!
Darn those socks! (Well, I didn't put any holes in them so, I guess that's a useless order.)
What's next? Cats and dogs living together?!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
New Space, New Dynamics
POLYGESTALT SPEAKS:
(Yeah, I just like to be clear who is talking in this multi-person blog.)
So, we're pretty much settled in to this new house. However, I don't think we're nearly as settled in with our new family's dynamic. The stress of the move and the general energy depletion among the adults that my wife (PF) mentioned have played a major role in hampering dynamic development.
My own comfort level with the new housing situation is slowly beginning to relax and expand. I agree with S about letting pairs in conflict work out their own differences. I'd say that his respecting my relationship with PF was a good thing. It's great to have resolved some of the contention points between me and PF. It makes me feel more generous toward her and
Of course, I'm also moving forward with my additional connections. I'm still in contact with G who I've known for over two years; our relationship has changed but it is still important. I've also been developing a relationship with K for the last several weeks and that has been going great! I also have an intermittant fledgling relationship with O, but she is rarely available and we haven't spoken much or progressed very far.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Depletion
This word has been coming up a lot over the past few months. For me, depletion has been apparent in my intolerance for having more people in our loop, in my desire to have that be the mindset my partners share with me, in the way I want to sleep, but then wake up early with the feeling that I need to "do something". I've seen it in my lack of consistency with exercise and not being as focused on wellness, for my body, mind or spirit. There has been such a HUGE amount of focus in getting to the point of being moved in and getting the new space set up, that now that I'm here, I really can feel the degree of depletion, and see it in my partners as well.
PG has been particularly affected by all that out-going energy, and I am hoping I do a better job of allowing him space and time to recharge his batteries and find a balance point in his own mind and heart. With that imbalance existing, it had been very deeply and profoundly having an impact on me as well, one that I didn't fully recognize in my hyperfocused state, not to mention our relationship. When my connection with him is off, I am off. We've been coupled for over 14 years now, so there's a lot of overlap in our emotional states that at times I don't fully see. I'm looking forward to the continuing creation of the bond that we share, perhaps being able to recognize and disable the pieces that are so deeply co-dependent, without sacrificing our ability to rely on each other.
S is swimming the waters of poly like the duck that he is (do they echo? ;)), and seems to be enjoying the new space, the routine that is being developed, and exploring his new connection with B. They've had several good dates so far, and the repoire is excellent. He's noticing the poly strength of being able to enjoy connections with people that you wouldn't necessarily be co-habiting partners with.
In the past, I've always been the one with all the outside options, and I'm sure I could manifest that if I wanted to again. At this point, I'm sort of the stay at home partner though, which is a pretty total change of pace for me. I'm not sure if that is fear of adding something that wouldn't fit in our current environment, just being totally full up for partner energy, or just feeling anti-social in general. I've sort of been riding the coat tails of S's new connection, and she's a really interesting and fun woman. Do we click personally? I'm trying to figure that out and decide if I should be there at all, or if I need to just hole up for a while, however long it takes for me to feel like I have something to bring to the table to someone else?
Polyfulcrum
PG has been particularly affected by all that out-going energy, and I am hoping I do a better job of allowing him space and time to recharge his batteries and find a balance point in his own mind and heart. With that imbalance existing, it had been very deeply and profoundly having an impact on me as well, one that I didn't fully recognize in my hyperfocused state, not to mention our relationship. When my connection with him is off, I am off. We've been coupled for over 14 years now, so there's a lot of overlap in our emotional states that at times I don't fully see. I'm looking forward to the continuing creation of the bond that we share, perhaps being able to recognize and disable the pieces that are so deeply co-dependent, without sacrificing our ability to rely on each other.
S is swimming the waters of poly like the duck that he is (do they echo? ;)), and seems to be enjoying the new space, the routine that is being developed, and exploring his new connection with B. They've had several good dates so far, and the repoire is excellent. He's noticing the poly strength of being able to enjoy connections with people that you wouldn't necessarily be co-habiting partners with.
In the past, I've always been the one with all the outside options, and I'm sure I could manifest that if I wanted to again. At this point, I'm sort of the stay at home partner though, which is a pretty total change of pace for me. I'm not sure if that is fear of adding something that wouldn't fit in our current environment, just being totally full up for partner energy, or just feeling anti-social in general. I've sort of been riding the coat tails of S's new connection, and she's a really interesting and fun woman. Do we click personally? I'm trying to figure that out and decide if I should be there at all, or if I need to just hole up for a while, however long it takes for me to feel like I have something to bring to the table to someone else?
Polyfulcrum
Friday, September 5, 2008
One week in....
It's been a week since we made the transition to common household now. What a busy week! I don't think I've ever sustained such a fevered pitch of activity for such a length of time. The new space is fantastic. One of the best things we did, other than hiring movers to do a lot of the heavy lifting, was to have a handyman over target for the first couple days. He did so much to help us out with all the little projects that suck time and go much faster with good tools and superior know-how! We actually had stuff up on the walls by day two. Weird...
On a poly front: It's been a tough week. PG was feeling a bit closed in on by me, as I really wanted to hold a tight perimeter and keep things pretty exclusively to just us for a bit. We had very (for us) rather hard conversations/fights a couple times this week. It feels like we've turned a corner in the past couple days though, with both of us giving what we've been asked for with a more open heart. As difficult as it's been, I anticipated something along those lines at some point in this process, although the form has been surprising, so it wasn't a big shock to have a significant adjustment point. I think that if we all continue to relax a bit more and allow everyone to move at their own pace, the kinks will work themselves out gradually. Generally, at this point, things are feeling good and I'm cautiously optimistic.
S has a breakfast date today with B and she might be over later to play. PG was out last night at G's house and has a date with K on Saturday, so he's volunteered to watch kids tonight so that S and I can get a little date out. It'll be nice to get out a bit again. As lovely as the new space is, working and living here, as both S and I do, it can feel really nice to stretch into a different place and energy every so often.
Well, I am off to clean before work! Hope all of you readers out there are finding something interesting in what is being shared here.
PF
On a poly front: It's been a tough week. PG was feeling a bit closed in on by me, as I really wanted to hold a tight perimeter and keep things pretty exclusively to just us for a bit. We had very (for us) rather hard conversations/fights a couple times this week. It feels like we've turned a corner in the past couple days though, with both of us giving what we've been asked for with a more open heart. As difficult as it's been, I anticipated something along those lines at some point in this process, although the form has been surprising, so it wasn't a big shock to have a significant adjustment point. I think that if we all continue to relax a bit more and allow everyone to move at their own pace, the kinks will work themselves out gradually. Generally, at this point, things are feeling good and I'm cautiously optimistic.
S has a breakfast date today with B and she might be over later to play. PG was out last night at G's house and has a date with K on Saturday, so he's volunteered to watch kids tonight so that S and I can get a little date out. It'll be nice to get out a bit again. As lovely as the new space is, working and living here, as both S and I do, it can feel really nice to stretch into a different place and energy every so often.
Well, I am off to clean before work! Hope all of you readers out there are finding something interesting in what is being shared here.
PF